Hi all, I'm new to this forum. I was diagnosed with PPP when my baby was 6 days old in November 2016. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit where I stayed for a month, going home a week before Christmas. I am off my medication now and back driving, so positive steps in the right direction. I feel okay in myself, just not 100%. It's hard to describe but I feel like a shell of my former self. At times emotionless when I would normally be wellingup at the slightest thing. I feel a bit numb. I often recallthe events that happened while I was unwell, mainly when in the shower, as that's my alone time. I think am I ever going to stop reliving what happened and get back to my 100% self. That's why i joined this, to speak to like minded people and try and get over that last hurdle. My family were supportive when I was in hospital but since discharge have not been. I am lucky to have amazing support from my partner who has been my rock and was my focus to get better. But it's hard to talk to him about it all as I don't really know what to say or how I'm feeling. Just know I'm not quite there yet.
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Hi BlueVelvet51
Welcome to the forum 
I had PP in 2012 after the birth of my first son. I too spent a month in an MBU.
It will get better. I recovered quickly in terms of symptoms but full recovery took longer. You've been through something incredibly traumatic and processing that and coming to terms with it takes time. I guess it's just a different type of healing to a physical injury.
Do you have friends you can talk to? I found writing things down helped too, and this forum of course - there's nothing like 'meeting' others who truly understand what this horrible illness is like. I found the flashbacks and memories got less with time - again I think it's just your mind processing everything.
I think you're doing incredibly well 6 months after PP. I was on medication for 15 months in total, though I didn't feel I needed to be on it that long, and that left me feeling quite flat. But being a new Mum, going through PP, it's a massive adjustment. But you'll get there, you'll get your confidence back and be yourself again, and hopefully come out of it all stronger. Be gentle on yourself.
There are great resources on the APP website if you've not found them already - app-network.org/
I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. Look after yourself.
Best wishes, J x
Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means alot. I don't have any friends close enough to talk to about my experiences and thoughts, they're all dotted about, dont live near by and I don't see them much at all. I've had friends that have said they'll come and visit me and my baby and 6 months in, no visit. Life just gets in the way hey. I think this forum will really help as it will be comforting to speak to people that have been through it and can understand.
I was in the haze, so I call it for 4 days and was devasted when I finally came round that id lost 4 days and that I didn't get better sooner. I then felt like it was a battle to get out of the unit. But they were all lovely in there and I can't fault my care. I just wanted to be home for my partner, who took the whole time off work and for my other 2 children who had been sent up north to live with their dad.
I do feel I'm recovering quickly and I suppose I shouldn't take that for granted. From what I've heard I know others are in units for longer. I just want to be better for my partner more than anything.
On that note better go for now as baby being noisy and partner sleeping as worked nights.
How long did it take you to come out of the haze of it all and understand what was happening? And when did you start to feel 100%. I know we're all different but just as a gauge.
Thank you
Hi,
I think that very acute phase of PP lasted 2 or 3 days for me - I remember most of the experience very clearly though that's the foggiest bit - I wouldn't open my eyes, didn't know when I was awake or dreaming, my mind constantly switching from one bizarre belief to the next and back again. I responded to medication quickly and gradually improved but was still quite poorly for the next 2-3 weeks. I thought everyone in the MBU was an actor, it was all some kind of social experiment, the TV, newspapers/magazines and signs on the walls all had hidden messages for me, I had to crack some code to work out what was happening to me and make it stop. I was incredibly confused and paranoid and it just got a little better day by day.
I was home after a month and no longer had any symptoms but it's just like the first step to recovery isn't it, processing it all and coming to terms with what's happened, building back your confidence while all the while learning to be a mum if it's happened after your first child.
I went back to work when my son was 10 months and I felt pretty much back to normal by then but would say I didn't feel 100% until I was off the medication, a colleague friend said I got my 'spark' back.
You'll get there, I know it's frustrating. I'm glad it's helping to chat to others here xx
That sounds similar to what I went through. I too refused to open my eyes and was flitting from being present to being other people. I also witnessed in my dream state all manner of horrid events and it was impossible to determine what was real life and what wasn't . I didn't trust the staff and thought they were trying to test or trick me. I refused medication, wouldn't eat, drink, wash, sleep, that all went on for 4 days. Not a nice time. I too was in there for a month.
I felt so much better when I came round and everthibg seemed so clear, I felt like I'd received revelations and I was now all knowing. Although I felt fine they put me on the meds. I was in olanzapibe so the weight started piling on. Not what you need when you've already got pregnancy weight to shift. I came off of that 4 months in as felt so sleepy and the weight gain was getting me down. But the new meds dryed my milk up. So I came off them and was being monitored. I was lucky to get off my meds so quickly as didn't feel I needed them. And touch wood I haven't had to go back on them and I'm still feeding my baby.
Although I feel fine,I am aware that I'm not back to my usual self. I thought that would right itself once the meds out of my system but it's been a couple months now. My brain is still trying to process which events were real and which were not. I hope in time the flashbacks will stop and I can move on.
I spoke to my boss yesterday about potentially returning to work in September when my baby will be 10 and a half months. I work in a nursery and need to know wether I'll be able to enrole my little one as my other half doesn't want her looked after by anyone else. She's going to come back to me after giving it some thought. Just meeting up with her for 2 hours, really took it out of me so now not sure I'll be ready come September. Time will tell I guess.
Thank you for your message. Take care
Hi Bluevelvet,
I didn't want to read and run. A lot of what you say really resonates with me. I too had PP last year and still feel like I have some way to go before I feel 100% myself. From what others say on the forum, it takes time which I find reassuring. This is a really supportive place and it's great that you posted on here if only to realise you're definitely not alone in what you're feeling.
Gmumma x
Thank you for taking time out to reply. And it most definately is reassuring to know that others are feeling the same. When did you get diagnosed and how are you getting on with the recovery process. Would be good to chat when you have the time.
Many thanks
Velvet
Hi BlueVelvet51,
It's great to see you reaching out to this community, it has really helped me with my recovery. I am sorry you have been through such a tough time, but it is good that you are recovering now and off your medication.
I had PP in March 2015 and it took me quite a long time to sort out the inital sypmtoms of PP. I was probably quite unwell for about 8 months, trying out different medications etc and then evenutally had a course of ECT, which helped me so much. That was in January 2016, so just over a year ago. Since then I have been dealing with what you descirbe as a 'haze' and contstantly going over things in my mind about what happened and trying to make sense of it all. I was so worried that I was never going to feel myself again and I can totally identify with feeling a bit like a shell of your former self. I lost alot of my confidence after everything that happened (in relation to my baby and most things in my life) and felt quite lonely and isolated. But I can say that things have gradually got much better over time and you will get to a place where you will feel like yourself again.
Some things that have helped me, included a de-brief of what happend in hopstial. This is quite a personal thing to chose to do and it may not be something you want to do, but I found it helped me. It took me 2 years to pluck up the courage to do it, and it was quite traumatic revisiting things, but I felt it helped me and I could put to bed some issues and questions I had. Some people chose not to do this though and just prefer to move on from it all. If this isn't for you, you might be able to request your medical notes to go thorugh it in your own time, to piece together what happened. But over time, things may just get easier the further you get away from it all. I also found writing down my story and timeline of events helped.
The other thing I learned is to give myself a bit of a break about everything. I put so much pressure on myself to get better and get back to the way I was, but I didn't relaise at the time that this was going to take time. I think it's because I was so scared of not getting better and getting back to my old self that I just wanted it so much. It is such a traumatic thing to go through and like J-B-55 says it takes some adjusting, but you will get there.
Anyway, I hope that has helped, stay strong, you have come so far already,
Sally xx
Hi Sally, thank you for taking the time to repsond and for your reassuring words. A de-brief sounds like a good idea and I think that will help me determine which parts of my recall we're real and which were not. I sometimes remember something I did it said and think oh God I hope i didn't say that to that person or do that in front of that person. So it will be nice to have clarity. It's weird as alot of the time it felt like I was having an outer body experience and although I refused to open my eyes I was still aware of what was going on around me, who was there and what they said, but I wasn't me as such, I was acting out of character.
I kept jumping to different time zones and places and was taking on the characters of different people. My family that visited said I kept talking in different accents and when I came round I could explain or try to why this was.
I know the experience must be different for each person but I don't think anyone who hasn't had PP will ever truly understand what it's like. I think this forum is going to be a real God send to helping me get through the last stretch of my recovery.
Thankyou. Take care.
Velvet
Welcome
I have found that it does get better with time.
Mine was in 2014.
I also find it helpful being on this forum
Thank you for your welcome. It's nice to be among others that have been through a similar experience.
Hello BlueVelvet51
So glad you have found the forum to support you in your recovery. I think you are doing really well to be off all medications at such an early stage. As it's s early in your recovery you will find that memories of such a traumatic event are quite raw and easy to recall. In time though these memories will fade.
I had PP twice many years ago and with my first PP I was sectioned to general psychiatric care, in different units for the first six months, mainly without my son. Similarly with my second PP I was sectioned and an endless depression overwhelmed me for almost a year. Thankfully I did fully recover and finding APP and this forum have been a source of great support and comfort as mums here really do understand. It's good to hear you have a very supportive partner to lean on. Perhaps CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) might be helpful so that you can talk openly about how you feel? Your G.P should be able to refer you if this is something you think might be helpful.
Rest assured you will find your place again. There's a brilliant blog ppsoup.com/2015/10/23/havin... which you might find interesting to read.
Take care ...... wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and rest as much as you can.
Thank you, it's reassuring to hear that the recalls will face into the distance in time. I know i shouldn't put too much pressure in myself to get better. It's just hard as people think oh you're out of hospital you must be okay now.
I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you being admitted without your child, especially for that length of time. Well done you for being strong enough to come out the other side of that. And to go through it twice, you poor thing. It makes me realise how easy I've had it and how quickly my turn around has actually been so far.
Thank you for taking time to reply and for your reassuring words.
Hello BlueVelvet51
Thank you .... that's very kind. Even though you are managing to recover in a short space of time I don't think it's been 'easy' for you so be very proud of how far you have come. Thankfully medication and treatments have changed so for some mums PP didn't return in subsequent pregnancies.
Try and have a nap when your baby sleeps. I know it's tempting to catch up with housework but you really should rest to build your energy
Take care ......
My baby doesn't really nap much. She has a little nap on the school runs in the morning and afternoon and has recently got into the routine of having a nap at half 11 but only for half an hour. I am lucky that she sleeps well at night now though and is only waking up once or twice in the night. I am now so aware of the importance of sleep as I think this was a major contributing factor to my psychosis. I had only had about 4 hours sleep in 6 days and didn't feel tired, felt like my pregnancy hormones must have been seeing me through and that I was ok so I lay my partner sleep instead.
I am realising now chatting to people on here and hearing their stories that my recovery has been quick so far, so am feeling much more positive about it and the future.
Many thanks
Velvet
Hi Bluevelvet, I had PP last year in May. It does get easier over time, it's hard not to look back and feel like you wish you could have managed better (for me anyway) but you don't wish that on yourself, it's been a year for me and the main thing is when I do look back on it, I know that in the thick of it, I thought that I would never get better but one day I did and as everyone says you have to be gentle on yourself. I'm struggling with that at the moment but it's just how you look at it.
Thank you for replying and getting in touch. it's good to hear that a year on that you're feeling better. Were you too admitted into a MBU?
I did come out of the experience feeling quite liberated and with a sense of knowing. I thought to myself that I would be a stronger person because of this. To me at the time losing 4 days was soul destroying, especially because I missed my boyfriend's birthday. And spending a month in the unit seemed like a lifetime. But now I'm hearing others stories I realise how quickly I turned it round and how far I've already come.
Thank you and well done to you for overcoming it too.
Hello BlueVelvel51,
even though we all had this traumatic illness, we experience different journeys of recovery. It is up-lifting to know there are women out here who have suffered the same illness and one can actually share worries and experiences. I still find this forum extremely helpful!
Your positive out-look is remarkable-you are doing extremely well with your recovery.
After being sectioned in 2010 I do not remember the first year of recovery. My partner looked after me full time and our baby boy once I was allowed to come back home. This was purely due to the effort of my partner, who observed, criticized and raised lots of awareness about the unfair and neglected treatment I received in hospital. One of the reasons why I find MBU's of vital importance for mums with PPP and families. At the time the Partnership Somerset wanted to send me to Manchester. Just too far from home and without my partner.
I have my medical file at home, but have been advised not to read it without somebody I trust. It would have to be my partner or a very close friend, who has stayed with me throughout our difficult times as new family.
Do not rush recovery, but glide with it like a gentle wave.
Take care.
Sabine
Everyone takes a different route to recovery but you will get there. I have to say I can completely relate to where you are after 6 months, I felt flat, lethargic, isolated and really negative about myself.
I personally think some of that was the medicationa well as the recovery process for your brain. However by 9 months after i was off all medication and after 13 months i returned to work. I feel much more like my 'normal' self although also having to accept a new normal both as a new parent and after being ill. Today I was giggling with my wee boy and realised how far I have come!
You will get there too.
Hazello x
Hi there,
It is certainly nice to hear that I will get there and my recovery is going well by all accounts. I am lucky that I have a verysupportive partner and a very happy baby who see me through every day.
It's early days I guess in this type of illness and I now am realising that. So I won't put any more oressure on myself to feel a hundred percent.
Thank you for getting in touch and I'm glad to hear that your recovery has gone well
Dear BlueVelvet51,
Was interested to read your post and hear such good recommendations from everyone. My PPP was triggered by a traumatic event that meant my two older children who usually slept through were waking up crying and also the newborn so like you the lack of sleep was a huge factor. I was sent to a local general psychiatric ward at first where I actually went downhill rapidly not knowing where I actually was and thinking I'd died and gone to pergatory because I hadn't done enough good stuff on earth. Unsurprisingly after spending all my time trying to escape and not sleeping I got even more unwell and was sectioned.
The good news is that I was then sent to a MBU which was further away but actually made a wonderful difference to have the baby with me. I improved from there and can relate to so much of J-B-55's story. I also thought everyone was acting and that I would eventually be met by all my friends for a murder mystery dinner party surprise and they were all just waiting for me to crack the codes and solve the clues. Everything had hidden meanings. Some of it was funny looking back although it was obviously serious at the time. I was in there for three or four months and am only now gradually getting off my medication after three years.
After the episode it took me over six months as things came back to me like pieces of a jigsaw in no particular order so I tried writing stuff down to make sense of it all. Then life got busy for a while. I'm only now at the point of considering going over medical notes with a close friend or the MH team to see if I've now got the full picture. It sounds like a good thing to do but with someone who can support you while you're doing it.
I can also recommend CBT as being really helpful if you can get a referral.
Wonderful to hear that your husband is being so supportive. In the future you may feel more able to share with him. From all that you've written you sound like you've done amazingly well and just given enough time I'm sure you'll be able to realise just how strong you've been.
There's no rush. It didn't happen straight away but much much further down the line I feel I have been changed as a person but actually in a really positive way. I've become comfortable that this has become part of my life's journey and shaped who I am. I actually love sharing my unique experience with other mums who haven't necessarily been through it because I want to raise awareness of it and have always had really positive responses. I don't share with everyone but sometimes it feels appropriate. Now and again I add interesting or funny details in discussions with very close friends who have known me throughout.
Thanm you for taking the time to read and reply and to share a bit about your experience. It is so comforting to hear that I am doing well on my road to recovery and nice to hear from you guys who have been there and come out the other side.
I'm starting to understand that the journey is different for us all but the bottom line and the thing to hold into is that we'll all he through it at some point.
Thank you
Hi BlueVelvet
I had PP in 2014 and was in a general psych unit without bubs for a week or so, which felt like eternity.
The 'haze' that you called it lasted probably 4 weeks for me and I recovered quite quickly. I felt close to normal about 3 months later. But, I still relive it occasionally, not as much as I used to, but it's hard to forget.
It was the most traumatic experience of my life and has definitely changed me as a person, so I'm not sure we'll ever get over it as such, we'll just learn to accept it more as time goes on and the scars will fade slightly. I still occasionally cry about it 3 years later.
It sounds like you're doing really well, just go easy on yourself x
Thank you for your words of support and encouragem3nt, I really appreciate that.
It must have been awful for you being admitted without your baby, I couldn't think of anything worse.
I do count myself lucky that I got treated so quickly and there was a bed free locally for me and my baby. It's scary to think where I would have been if there had not been and I owe a tent of gratitude to the staff at the MBU.
Many thanks
I can really relate to what you're saying. I had PPP march 2016 and It's such a huge trauma that I think it takes a long time to process and it's taking me a long time to trust myself again. I don't feel numb I've been left much more socially anxious but slowly I'm getting there. I really hope you'll continue to feel better and better too.
It's early days for us.
Just got to keep talking about all these feelings we're having (or not having) and not be afraid to access support. I know it's taken me a long time to acknowledge my anxiety as I didn't know firstly, if it would go over time and secondly, I didn't want to appear unwell to professionals and family but actually they've been great.
You're right it is a huge teams we've been through and it's sometimes hard to come to terms with. The trouble is it's not widely publicised so not only do is the victims of it not know enough about it, neither do the people around us. My family just think she's out of hospital must be ok now, they don't visit it even ring to ask how I am. My teenage daughter even moved out of home while I was in hospital and is loving with my mum, so all focus seems to be on her. It's truly upsetting but I cant allowuself to get stressed about it as don't want to get ill again.
Like you I havent said anything to my consultant about not feeling 100% as I didn't want to be out back on meds or anything as I don't feel I need them to recover, just time. They were talking about discharging me on my next visit though so if still not right I will say this time. As at this moment don't feel ready to be discharged, it's a bit of a security blanket knowing there's help a phone call away should I need it.
Thank you for you reply and well done you on your journey too. As I am learning from the mums on here it's only a matter of time before we are healed.
Its ok not to feel 100%. We put so much pressure on ourselves to try and get well. You will be 100% soon, just be kind to yourself and give it time. Do talk to someone else if you can. Sometimes i found a service like lifeline or even breastfeeding association helped just get thinga off my chest.
Thank you. I am starting to realise that I can't expect to be totally Better so early on after my episode. I can see how that 6 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and will not be so hard on myself moving on. This forum is really helping me understand more about PP. and how it affects us all differently and over different time scales. I am getting there and that is a good place to be.
You've received lots of inspirational stories of recovery. The women on this forum must be celebrated for the on-line community they provide. You have all been an outstanding support in my recovery.
Being in the US, my experience was different because there are no MBUs that I am aware of and my family lives 3,000 miles away. My family was wonderful at calling the psychiatric ward daily and my dear, sweet husband visited me everyday.
Upon getting out of the ward I was able to resume my function as mom after a long time. I'm finally at 95% and I think that's great. My husband has been telling me how well I've been doing for months, but I tell him, my psychiatrist, and my psychologist the truth about everything I'm feeling. I used to tell them when I was 65%,70%, and 85%. Journalling has helped me focus on what I still want to do in order to feel completely like myself again.
There are several friends and of course my sister that know about my PP and it helps to have them as a quick support. Sometimes you just need a little reassurance and reminder of all the fantastic parts of your life.
Take care of yourself. During my recovery, I was introduced to SEEDS. A quick acronym to remind myself that I need Sleep, Exercise, Education, Diet, and Social Interactions daily. Be kind to yourself, as you would to a friend. Things don't always go well and you have to be willing to adapt to changes.
Hope your journey goes well! And thank you to the forum for providing a caring community!
Love to all of you!
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