Slow recovery

Hi All- I live in the US and have been struggling with ppp for about 8 months. It was originally misdiagnosed as ppd and I suffered a long time because of this. I had an emergency c section, developed an autoimmune disease at 6 weeks postpartum and then became convinced my daughter had an autoimmune disease that I caused despite reassurances from multiple doctors. This continued for months culminating in a suicide attempt and hospitalization and now medication and continued treatment. It has been a long painful road now full of guilt and shame. I often meet mothers who have experienced the depression but not psychosis and ocd and suicide attempt. I just wonder if any of you have experienced this and how you cope. I'm having such a hard time. Thank you, N.

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  • I will also add I had a psychotic episode during the suicide incident and now have flashbacks and ptsd that I just can't seem to overcome.

  • Hi N, and welcome to the forum.

    PP is such an awful illness (my episode was 7 years ago now) and the recovery process can be hard enough, I'm sorry to hear you had misdiagnosis too. I didn't attempt suicide when ill but I certainly had a lot of obsessive thoughts, which I believe is quite common with PP.

    Please don't feel guilty or ashamed, none of this is your fault. Women can and do get better, and as easy as it is to say (and probably frustrating to hear) time really is a healer. And as time goes by, things will get easier.

    It's good to hear that you are receiving continued treatment and medication. This really helped me after I was discharged home and I took meds for a year (antipsychotic) and also lithium for 3 years. Whilst I hated it at the time, I can now see that it was really vital in my recovery. I also had a great community nurse who supported me at home but like you, I didn't come across any other PP Mums so felt quite isolated.

    I wondered if you had seen the APP Guides, particularly around Recovery? Here is the link: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    As time went on, what also helped me was to look back and recognise how far I had come, celebrate the little things (even if it was just going for a walk around the block) and noting some of these things down so I could look back. Creating positive memories has been important to have happier things to remember rather than just the hard times.

    I know that others have also found a lot of comfort and encouragement in reading and sharing experiences and I hope that this forum can also give you that. There a few others here in the US for example too. Blogs can also be helpful, one lady who is also in the US is Jennifer Moyer, here is a link to her website: jenniferhmoyer.com/

    I hope you find some more info and support, and please feel free to come back and ask further questions if that would be helpful to you. Take care, xx

  • Hello nchyme

    So glad you have found the forum for support from mums with similar experiences. I'm sorry to hear you were misdiagnosed ... I don't think there is as much recognition of PP in the U.S as here in the UK so we are very fortunate.

    Coming to terms with what has happened to us and our behaviour during PP is hard to believe. I had similar thoughts and was sectioned for my own safety many years ago. Like you, I felt guilt and shame for years and tended not to mix with other new mums as I couldn't relate my experiences to their perfect pregnancies and births. Since finding the forum some years ago I realised that I should not have felt guilt or shame. It wasn't my fault and I had no option so I hope you can find peace of mind as I have.

    Lean on your inner strength and know that you are a great mum. Trying to cope with the effects of medication, a severe illness and the routine of life is not easy. Eight months is very early days into recovery so don't be too hard on yourself. It is hard at this stage to ever believe that you will be well again but I can honestly say that with good medical care and family support you will eventually fully recover.

    There is a brilliant blog ppsoup.com, and one link might be interesting for you to read, ppsoup.com/2015/10/23/havin...

    Take good care of yourself .... we are always here to talk across the pond.

  • Thank you so much for these responses, it means so much. Its been so hard to accept this but you have provided great resources thank you. I have felt such guilt and shame and am trying so hard to move beyond that. Connecting with other moms who have experienced similar things means the world to me thank you so much for being here during this difficult time. My confidence as a mother and human has been shaken but not broken❤

  • Hello nchyme

    I'm glad you found the replies here helpful. Please try to move on from feeling guilt and shame. It really wasn't your fault and you have done really well to battle your way through such an awful time in your life.

    I found music helped me during my recovery. I remember being in a shoe shop and heard a song playing, which I now know was "I'm going all the way" as I asked the assistant in the shop. It's by a group called Sounds of Blackness, which was very apt at the time to the way I had felt. The words just seemed so positive at that time, "Whatever it takes to make it I'm going all the way ..... I may be down sometimes but I won't be down always. Don't you give up, don't you give in ... hold onto your goal."

    I bought the tape and played it when I needed reassurance. My other song is my anthem to PP, which is Labi Siffre's "Something inside so Strong" the words of which were very true for me in my fight against PP ........"There's something inside so strong, though you're doing me wrong, so wrong ......"

    We are all here for you ...... PP mums are amazing :)

  • Thanks Lilybeth, I really like the songs.

  • Hello nchyme

    It's amazing how much inner strength we can find after being pushed and pulled in all directions by PP. I think you are doing well ...... eight months into recovery is early days. Wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take very good care of yourself.

    You can do this my virtual friend :) and we are all here for as long as it takes.

  • Thanks Lilybeth- today has been a hard day. I am doing therapy 2x/week, accupuncture, intensive outpatient program and a post partum group and meds and I still feel down and anxious. Its been over 2 months since the major incident and I'm still Jyst filled with dread. Recovery is so hard....

  • Hi I'm so sorry you're still struggling but I know it doesn't feel like it but it is still fairly early days. It does sound like you've got a lot of support and you're doing things that will help. Hang in there you are going to slowly get better x

  • I just wanted to say you sound to be doing well, and have some good things in place to help. Unfortunately, feeling down and anxious can be a really natural part of the recovery process from PP. I was certainly feeling the same way at this point too. You will get to where you want to be, hang on in there. We are all thinking of you and wishing you the best, take care, xx

  • Hello nchyme

    I think two months since the major incident is no time at all. It's so fresh in your mind that it will take all the therapy you are having to calm your thoughts. I'm sure with all the support around you it won't be long before you can see a difference in your mood. During my recovery from my second PP I can also relate to feeling low and anxious. It's such a traumatic time in your life to 'park' and move on but you really will begin to feel better as the meds kick in and you surround yourself with the support you have built around you.

    Try not to worry about your progress ...... some days are difficult and as corny as it sounds you will learn how to ride out the storm and feel much stronger and confident as time goes on. We have all had the same diagnosis but each recovery is unique, some shorter than others, so hold on to the courage that has carried you this far.

    Take good care of yourself .... we are all here for you. xx

  • Thanks all. I didn't realize how my confidence as a mother and a person would be shaken by this event. Its very hard adjusting.

  • I think PP is a gamechanger ...... when I was told and remembered some of the things I did it was as if I was a completely different person.

    It is hard to adjust so take your time ..... try to sleep when your baby sleeps during the day if possible. With my first PP I was under general psychiatric care for six months so when I eventually went home I was like a fish out of water.

    Gradually you will build your confidence and realise just how much you have been through for the love of your daughter and you should be very proud of yourself.

    Stay positive and take good care ........ we are all here to lean on.

  • Thank you Lilybeth, I'm trying to stay strong.

  • Hello nchyme,

    I have been following the dialogues above and must say I just can confirm the encouragement of Lilybeth, Hanna and Ellie.

    After PPP and being hospitalised I have had to take medication for one year and needed to be cared for by my partner full time. The illness and traumatised experiences, re-learning, adjusting, being cared for affected my self-esteem and confidence. At the beginning I did not know myself anymore and had terrible doubts. Of course becoming a mum requires new skills, too.

    It has been 6 years and throughout my recovery I always was striving for improvement and managing life skills. Because the purpose always has been my son and my partner and being able to create a happy home environment. Following the ethos of looking after myself reassures to be able and to have the strengths to look after my loved ones.

    The following might help you along your path

    - meditation and yoga

    - long walks and cycling (especially when triggers affect you)

    - support groups

    - Sure Start (enjoying time with my son attending play groups, massaging, swimming etc.)

    - routine (care plan tailor made for you and planned together with your care coordinator)

    - involvement of support network to practise tasks, I found difficult

    - painting (any hobby you might enjoy)

    - journalising and this forum

    ....

    Take good care of yourself,

    kind wishes

    Sabine :-)

  • Hi Sabine- Thank you so much for reaching out. You have helpful tips. It's good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. Hugs, N...

  • I feel like I'm riding the stock market in terms of emotion and worrying that my brain won't recover. This just feels so hard sometimes....

  • Hello nchyme

    It's not easy at your early stage in recovery. Some days are harder than others and I think coping with the effects of medication, looking after your family and routine is a lot to cope with. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed and I was very emotional.

    I can assure you that in time you will be fully recovered and able to enjoy all the good times ahead. I know it's hard for you to imagine right now but with all the support around you and the mums here, you will find your way through the days which are not as good as others. Perhaps you could keep a mood diary? It might be useful for your care team to look at but also week by week you will be able to see how far you have come.

    As well as music I have mentioned before there are verses which you might like to take a look at. The first is by Sandra Kring beginning, "Be like the single blade of grass. For she too has been trampled on, mowed down and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she had to shut down to survive ..........." Another I like is by Mary Engelbreit "Don't look Back ..." the last verse of which is, "So keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking life day by day. There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road ..... don't look back, you're not going that way...."

    PP is a very traumatic illness and fighting to recover can be very draining but you will get there eventually and we are all behind you ......

    Take good care.

  • Hello nchyme

    Just wondering how you are and if things are a little easier? I hope you have support around you.

    Take good care.

  • Hi Lilybeth- Thanks for checking in. I'm doing ok. To be honest its been a rough road. My husband recently told me he's no longer in love with me. I truly lost my mind and my psychosis progressed for several months before intervention. By the time there was intervention my marriage was destroyed and I had done something I really regretted. Picking up the pieces has just been brutal. Im sorry to vent like this, it feels like the psychosis destroyed my life. I want to pick up and have everything be ok, it's been a very trying time.

  • Dear nchyme,

    I've just read through your thread. I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible time, going so long without the right help and the damage it's done to your marriage. Whatever you did while unwell, it wasn't you. It's such a cruel, devastating illness and so hard for people to understand. I'm so glad you found the forum.

    As you find your way back to being 'you' (which you will, please have hope that you'll get through this), know how strong you are. It'll take time, you're dealing with so much, but each day is another step towards recovery. I hope you have support around you, there's certainly a lot of support here for you and we all understand the guilt, anxiety and anger you're feeling. Don't apologise for venting.

    Sending you hugs and warm wishes xx

  • Hello nchyme

    Thanks so much for sharing more with us here. That's one of the many good things about the forum .... we can all write here and get our thoughts out of our heads. Sometimes it's difficult to tell family or friends how we really feel for fear of upsetting them.

    You have done really well so far picking up the pieces after such a major trauma with PP and your relationship. When PP takes over it is so hard to fight against. I had similar experiences with self harm but I was so controlled by PP that I had no choice, much like yourself.

    Do you have family support? I hope your therapy and postpartum class will give you a chance to meet other mums, perhaps for a coffee afterwards? There's a lot for you to cope with right now but take things slowly and you will have better days. We are all here to support you.

    Take good care of yourself .... make sure you eat and sleep well.

  • Hi nchyme

    I'm so sorry to hear that on top of everything you've been through, you are having problems with your marriage. It's right what others say, it is a cruel illness, and also the fact that you weren't diagnosed for so long makes the memories and recovery harder.

    I struggled in my relationship too, particularly during the depression where we were both struggling. It was so hard. I agree, the things I said and did during the psychosis weren't me, it is not your fault, and it's such a trauma, to deal with the fall out and the memories.

    Perhaps you could show your husband (if you haven't already) the information for partners on the APP website, including the guide for partners? It may help him to come to terms and understand what has happened?

    app-network.org/partners-2/

    You ARE going to recover and get better, you have been amazing and strong to get this far.

    I too wondered if you have family or friends support? is there someone you can speak to who you feel understands? we are all here for you as well, and we understand exactly how it is.

    I also wondered if you are in touch with any organisation in the US who may be able to offer you support as well?

    postpartum.net/

    Take care, thinking of you X

  • Thanks All. You are so supportive and helpful. I'm in a post partum depression group but Ive actually felt kind of isolated from them because of how extreme my situation with psychosis was. Not having support or understanding in my home has been so hard. It's nice to be able to voice that here and be accepted.

  • Hello ncyhme

    Hope you are ok. I can relate to feeling isolated in groups. Years ago I went to a 'meet a mum' group and couldn't gel with anyone there. So I went home and kept my 'secret' to myself as my family thought it best not to talk about it inside or outside the home. I must have been a challenge as there was so much more stigma to mental health in those days and I had delusions and heard commanding voices.

    Fast forward to a few years ago when by chance I came across APP and the team when I can honestly say I felt so much better about myself, as if a weight had been lifted. For the first time in a long time I was able to share experiences with mums who really understood and were supportive.

    I'm sorry you have little support or understanding at home, That must be very difficult for you with a young baby. Has the intense outpatient programme helped at all? Do you have a mental health team supporting you? Is acupuncture relaxing? I've never tried it myself.

    PP mums are amazing, strong women :) You have a lot of courage for what you are going through so take good care of yourself. We are all here to lean on.

  • Hi Lilybeth, thank you for your continued responses and support! The outpatient program has helped quite a bit, I graduated out of it last week... Accupuncture is actually very relaxing, it's nice therapeutically because I don't have to give any output and it works. I am also doing something called brainspotting with a postpartum therapist, it's kind of like emdr, it's helpful too... It's good to know you also felt isolated a group initially, although I'm sorry to hear you experienced that as I know first-hand how isolating that can be. I'm definitely starting to "bloom" a little more lately. One thing that is hard is to look back at pictures during the height of my delusions, remembering how I was thinking and perceiving my daughter as being ill when she so clearly wasn't makes me feel sick inside, I'm not quite ready for that yet. Anyway, your support has meant so much to me, thank you for checking in❤

  • Hello nchyme

    Good to hear from you. I'm glad the different therapies you are trying have been helpful and the acupuncture is working. I have to say I hadn't heard of brainspotting until I just googled it :) I think any therapy is good if it works for you.

    How lovely you have noticed you are starting to "bloom" just lately. It does take a while to notice the better days but when you do I think it's a great relief.

    I think we can all relate to looking back at pictures when we were ill and finding them upsetting. Perhaps it might be an idea to put them away until you are feeling much stronger and even then it might not be advisable. I have looked at old cine-film and pictures of my sons' early days and found them too upsetting as I didn't realise at the time but can see now I was on another planet and so ill.

    You have come through so much ..... we weren't to blame and had no choice. It's not easy coming back from such a traumatic life event but stick with it and be very proud of yourself. Sending you a hug across the pond ...... xx

  • Thank you Lilybeth!

  • Hi Lilybeth- I'm having one of those hard days again- so much guilt and remorse and fear. How long did it take until you stopped having bad days? Thanks for talking with me throughout....

  • Hello nchyme

    I'm sorry you had a hard day. It can feel like, as you said before, a living nightmare some days. Eight months into recovery is still early and I'm not surprised you are feeling fragile. I know the guilt and shame can take over sometimes but you should remember how much trauma you have been through, which was not your fault. You had no control over what might have happened during your psychosis and in time the good days will outweigh the bad.

    My PP episodes were a long time ago and treatments have changed. I was really off the planet at the time and with my first PP I was in hospital for six months. It took over a year or so for me to find my feet and probably a few years before I felt fully recovered. This was a long time ago though and recovery time is different for everyone, some shorter than mine.

    Just hold on to the thought that you are a great mum in spite of what PP has thrown at you. Please try not to feel guilt or shame although we have all been there. You will have better days, try to rest as much as you can. I notice you're in Colorado ..... is it possible you can have Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) so that you can talk openly about how low some days are and will be given coping strategies? Just to talk face to face with a complete professional 'stranger' can be very helpful.

    Take good care of yourself. We are all here to talk anytime you feel like it. PP mums are amazing :)

  • Thank you Lilybeth. It's just been 3 months into recovery, I went 8 months untreated. Being hospitalized for 6 months sounds hard but fortunate that it kept you safe. I keep wishing I would've received treatment sooner. I have done a lot of DBT and some CBT, I have found it helpful. I'm considering going to an ocd specialist as I have repetative worries that I still can't control. The same thoughts over and over again every day. It's so good talk with you while I fight through this Thank you so much.

  • Hi, i can definiely empathize with you. I was not correctly diagnosed till I was 9 months postpartum. I was completely dissociated because I didn't sleep for three days and was given anxiety medication instead of something for the psychosis. What medication are you on? I'm in the US too and completely feel like I have nothing in common with new moms, even the ones that are depressed. How old is your baby now? Mine is 17 months.

  • Hi Lanalip- Thanks for reaching out. I live in Colorado. I'm on risperdal, pristiq and klonapin prn. It took 3 months for them to realize I had psychosis and I was so out of it I almost took my life in a very dangerous, lethal way. My girl is 14 mo. I'm in a ppd group and I frequently cry after the meeting because they got help sooner and things seem so much easier for them recovering....

  • Hi nchyme. Wow 8 months is an awfully long time to be suffering.. you are doing an awesome job, it is hard work to get well again, can take a while. I had had symptoms of psychosis thinking I was doing everything wrong, thought my milk was poisoning my baby thought she wasn't getting enough even though she was, I started obsessing about feeding about my daughter sleeping about EVERYTHING! I was doing such a great job but my confidence just completely plummeted. I thought I'd made the wrong decision becoming a mother and I got so whacked out on 4 weeks with only a few hours sleep that I couldn't recognise my own minds DMV thoughts, it was like I Wass complete stranger to myself , I was absolutely terrified. I thought Id drop my baby if I held her and all I could think about was all the different methods of suicide, and I tryed sleeping tablets at home one night but that didn't work soo just used to stay up all night trembling and occasionally smacking myself in the head trying to make the thoughts of wanted to jump out of my apartment window stop, then I told my husband I had to go and thought I'd run away so I headed for the front door and he's topped me and took me to a gp who referred me to the psych hospital and I was knocked out there with drugs and hadn't first sleep for more than half an hour in 3 weeks and it took me two weeks of being medicated to sleep for 8 hours a night and then I started to feel a bit better one day and then got better and better. I had to medicate myself to sleep for 7 hrs a night for the next 12 weeks and then I weaned myself off the20mg olanzapine and only took 20mg lexapro. Every woman on here knows how you are feeling, it's the worse illnesses you can go through and it's hard to come to terms with. Some people have experiences where they don't feel suicidal just manic and have a distorted reality etc. I just know I was in an absolute state of fear like I was actually literally living in one of my worst nightmares. You can private message people on this forum if you need to chat I have found this helpful when you are really struggling. You are welcome to message me if you need support or anything. I know if I had have known about this forum when I was in the thick of it it would have really helped me because I just thought I was the only one that couldn't cope and that no one else had ever been as hopeless as me but it's just a temporary period of your life and one day you will look back on it and know that it made you a better person and made you be able to cope with whatever life throws at you.

  • Thank you for posting to me, Angviolet! Sounds like we've been through similar things, I used to smack my head trying to get the delusions to stop, it IS like living in a nightmare. I hope you are doing well now and thanks again for sharing your story and reaching out!

  • Hello nchyme

    Sorry I misread your earlier post and didn't realise it has only been three months into your recovery. It must have been so hard for you to remain untreated for so long. Try to take things easy. As you say, perhaps talking to an OCD specialist might help with your repetitive worries although I think at this early stage I constantly worried too.

    There is a YouTube Clip which has been suggested on the forum before "OCD treatment How to stop thoughts" by Katie d'Arth which might be helpful to listen to. I don't have a link but hopefully you will be able to find it or another mum here can point you in the right direction.

    Take it steady, day by day for now until you slowly build your confidence and energy. Wrap yourself in the comfort blanket of home and take good care. We are all here for you.

  • Thank you Lilybeth, I will check that out! It's very difficult remembering how I was before this and now. It just feels so hard to get to a normal place again. I never realized how great normal is until this happened. I really appreciate you, thank you so much for encouraging me!

  • Hello nchyme

    I think you are doing very well only 3 months on. When we have had PP there is so much to come to terms with ..... not least for me how I behaved during the psychosis. I can remember wanting to be well to show my family that I was back to 'normal' and how frustrating it was that some days I took a step forward and the next I took a step back. I didn't realise how much I had been through because it wasn't talked about.

    I know it's not good to dwell on the past but it's a good time to remember how far you have come. In time you will be so confident and proud of yourself. A new baby is a lot to cope with at first, finding a good routine and time to yourself. I was once described as anxious by my doctor because I took my first son to see him for the slightest thing!

    I hope you will be reassured that you will find your place again. In the meantime we are all here for you to talk anytime. Take good care of yourself.

  • Hello nchyme

    How have you been since you last posted?

    Thinking of you. Take good care of yourself and try to rest as much as you can. I hope you are finding the acupuncture relaxing. I came across Mindfulness music on YouTube and found it very relaxing to listen to .......

  • Hi Lilybeth- I have been ok, thank you. I went to ocd therapist try to learn to manage the repetative thought loops... The guilt and shame is quite bad at times. Almost carrying through suicide really weighs on me heavily, I feel such sadness about it. I love my daughter so much and just cannot believe how distorted my thinking and actions became. Its like looking into another world, and a very frightening one at that. Coming terms with this has been so hard, but every day I get up and try. Thanks for reaching out, hugs....

  • Hello nchyme

    Is the ocd therapist helpful? I think the thoughts of nearly doing the unthinkable will still be very raw for you. It truly is like looking into another world ..... almost being a different person because we know if we were in our 'right minds' there's no way such thoughts of self harm would enter our heads. Try to see it as a cry for help, which I have now because that's what it was. We were so traumatised at the time.

    Please try not to feel guilt or shame which is holding you back in your recovery. I've said before we really had no choice and our thoughts at the time were out of our control. I was in the shadows for years but I now know since 'meeting' other mums here that it wasn't my fault and so it's not yours.

    Try to get back to the time when you were starting to 'bloom' and be kind to yourself. You have been through so much. It's a lot to come to terms with so just give yourself time to heal because after all you've been through you really deserve to be happy.

    We are all here to listen ........ take good care.

  • Thank you, Lilybeth. Hearing from you really brightens my day and today is quite hard.

  • Hi nchyme,

    I just wanted to echo what lilybeth has said - what you did when you were unwell wasn't your fault and isn't something you could control. It's definitely like being a different person, that may be a helpful way to look at it - it simply wasn't 'you'.

    Processing and coming to terms with what you've been through will take time but you will get there. Hopefully reading other people's stories helps you to know you're not alone and that you can and will fully recover. You get up and try each morning, and each morning you're another step closer though some days it may not feel like it. We all love our children dearly and I'm sure you'll come out of this with such a strong bond with your daughter.

    Take care, thinking of you x

  • Thank you ladies! The guilt shame and questions continue to persist but it really does help to hear your words of encouragement, thank you.

  • Hello nchyme,

    Good to hear from you and sorry to hear you're finding feelings of guilt and shame persistent and that they bother you. I hope the ocd therapist helps with too perhaps?. As others have said, the illness and all that came with it wasn't you and with time I honestly do think that the negatives fade and are replaced and outnumbered by more positive and happy thoughts and memories.

    It's ok to have questions too although they might not all have answers, if that makes sense. Hold on to how far you have come already and know that we have been there too. You can do this and get to where you want to be. Take care and keep writing here if it helps. All the best, xx

  • Hello nchyme

    Just wondering how your week has been? I hope the ocd therapist has been able to help with the unfounded guilt. It will take a while to accept that things which happened were not your fault and hopefully in time your family might be able to support you.

    Take it easy and try to sleep when your baby has a nap. We are all with you xx

  • Thanks Lilybeth! This week has been a bit better, Im looking at the ppp as a disease that just takes... Looking at it as something that just causes destruction helps me see that the disease caused the turmoil in my life, it wasn't my fault how I reacted because the disease was controlling me. That seems to be helping although I still have a lot of sadness and hurt for what happened. I'm hoping that time continues to heal... Hugs to you xx

  • Hello nchyme

    Good to hear that this week has been a bit better for you. That's a very good way of looking at PP .... I think we can all relate to being controlled. I know it's an old cliche that 'time is a great healer' but it is true. It's ok to be sad as what happened to us was so unexpected that we missed the very early days of our babies' lives through no fault of our own, followed by the impact of our illness. With time the sadness will fade, although it's hard for you at the moment, as you come to terms with events and realise how strong you have been to fight your way back.

    Try to go at your own pace and be reassured that you will fully recover. We might have missed the early days but there are so many priceless memories yet to be made. Take good care of yourself, we are all here for you.

  • Hello nchyme

    I hope you are slowly improving and taking things a step at a time.

    Take really good care.

  • Thank You, Lilybeth.

  • Lilybeth, how long did it take you to come to terms with things you did while experiencing psychosis?

  • Hello nchyme

    It took me over a year to come to terms with things I did, as it was so unlike the real me. My family didn't talk about my illness and told me that it wasn't a good idea for me to discuss it with anyone outside home due to stigma at the time, so 'it' became my secret.

    I wasn't told I had PP and so I couldn't understand why I behaved the way I did. I felt very guilty and ashamed which, according to my notes, was my first confession when I was admitted to the general psychiatric unit. I think it was frightening to realise and accept how controlled I was by PP, the commanding voices, delusions etc but I didn't have a choice at the time.

    I hope you are coping and having better days .... you really didn't have a choice and have done really well to have come through so much. It's early days for you and the trauma you experienced is still raw but in time you will be able to move on and rebuild your confidence. Give yourself time to heal and don't be hard on yourself ...........

    Take good care.

  • Hello nchyme

    I hope the days are getting a little easier for you.

    Take good care of yourself ..... we are all here to help if we can.

  • Thank you Lilybeth. There are still ups and downs. I don't really feel like "me" yet and I'm still fairly traumatized by what happened. Day by Day....

  • Hello nchyme

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I hope the therapies you are having are going some way to help in your recovery. It does take a while to feel comfortable in your own skin after such a traumatic, controlling illness.

    Earlier in your thread I mentioned that music has helped me at various times. I think "Search for the Hero" by M People is a great tune to relate to and a good mood lifter. You really are a hero and will find yourself again. Also Elton John "I'm Still Standing" is a great song to shout out, which I relate to PP. We are all still standing .. proud and loud ... as you will be in your own time :)

    Take care.

  • Hello nchyme, thanks for your recent updates, I hope that things are getting a little easier as time passes for you. That was definitely my experience of recovery- as time went along I could see things improving as I looked back.

    Some days were hard tho and I found I sometimes had to write those days off and look forward to something else, even just a new day. Do you have things you are looking forward to doing? For example, a holiday or just some time with friends for a catch up? I also found being a mum and all the hard work that brings, never mind the recovery from pp, meant that sometimes the days dragged and I found myself feeling down about what had happened. Things did get better and over the weeks and months, I could start to see improvements and that really boosted my confidence.

    I hope that "chatting " here and sharing the experiences and feelings out loud has also been a good release. Keep talking to us and others around you, we are all here for you. Take care, xx

  • Thank you ladies.

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