Thoughts on religious delusions... - Action on Postpar...

Action on Postpartum Psychosis

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Thoughts on religious delusions...

Hi everyone,

This post isn't factual, it's just me expressing some thoughts on the delusions I had when I had PPP.

I've never been christened or been to church but when I was psychotic I truly believed I was God and my daughter was an angel.

Also when I was sectioned it was literally my idea of hell. All of my fears were in there and I just kept telling myself I had to do it for my daughter. I remember them showing me a padded room with a round window and a nurse said if i didnt go to my room and sleep i'd have to go in there. But when i went to my room it felt like i was giving up trying to get my daughter and they were winning (plus the mania wouldnt let me sleep). As time went on my belly hurt for her, a part of me was missing and i couldnt give up. I had to do something, it felt like i was being tested, or like i was in a game. I ended up in that room being pinned down by 6 staff and injected 4 times but i felt stronger and more determined than ever.

I feel that in the eyes of the staff, my family and people who dont have any insight into this may feel I am crazy to think this but it feels like I had to pass a test of my own inner strength to become who i am now. I am proud of myself and know i am a worthy mother to my beautiful daughter. I could take on anything for her safety and happiness, thats the only thing I'm sure of in this world.

Does anybody else feel somewhat awakened by the experience? Like a higher power was giving us an insight when we were at a real low point, confused and 'insane'?

Has anybody else felt anything similar to this? And how did the religious delusions make you feel afterwards?

Best wishes

Alex x

5 Replies

Hi there,

I had religious delusions also but I have grown up attending church and am a committed Christian.

Whilst delusional, I believed I had been possessed by the devil and he was trying to make me hurt my baby. I also believed that I was definitely going to hell and was bringing all of those I loved with me. It was absolutely horrible and scary. I was lucky enough to have lots of family support so was able to recover at home while monitored by a mental health team.

I don't know if I feel enlightened by the experience. I'm just happy it's all behind me for now and that I can feel confident as a mum.

Wishing you all the best!

Xx

Hi Alex!

Thank you for sharing. If you are interested in reading my perspective, I wrote a blog a year or so ago on this topic. Here is link:

jenniferhmoyer.com/blog/201...

Jennifer

Hi Alex,

I wish we could meet and talk about this for hours!!! I feel exactly the same way and it's hard for me to put it into words other than my episode was a complete awakening. I look at the world,myself,friends/family with new eyes. I had too many delusions,specifically religious ones,to describe but one was that my husband was god, myself mary and my son Jesus. I felt like being in the hospital and if I got out I would save the world.the staff were the evil ones keeping me from reaching my "quest". I attempted every way of escaping the hospital for about 3 days.refusing all meds. I believe I was finally injected with the antipsychotic Invega which i was on for 6 m. I was raised Christian.attending church once a week for 18 years but it never felt right. For the past 12 years I went with minimal religious practice. Since my episode I have found meditation and Buddhism to be very healing and the new "religion" I follow. I attend a temple near by and a class on Buddhism, it's the best religious fit for me. I also have gotten into Chinese medicine and do acupuncture weekly. I know I never would have had these new experiences and beliefs if I didn't have pp.i feel like people who have been psychotic look at the world differently the others who have not been. That's why people take psychedelic drugs. To expand their minds. It's wonderful to take an experience like pp and turn it into a meaningful moment in your life! It's a lot to be proud of. Take care.

in reply to bravesurvivor411

Thankyou for your responses :) I'm glad I'm not on my own in thinking this. Bravesurvivor411 I had very similar ideas when I was hospitalised, I knew I could better the world.

Before I got PPP I studied buddhism on and off, struggling to stick to it but since my illness it has become so easy to adjust to buddhist thinking. I love their way of viewing the world, I feel very peaceful now I see the world this way.

Since the illness I know that I have got to go back studying to either become a mental health nurse or a counsellor because I know that helping people is my calling. All my life I struggled to find a purpose and never found a job i knew i would fully enjoy, until now.

Sending love to you all :) x

Ellie_at_APP profile image
Ellie_at_APPAdministrator

Hi Alex

Thanks for posting - what a great question and topic. It has also been interesting to read people's replies.

I had PP 4 years ago. Like some others, I am a practicing Christian and it is a big part of my life in a lot of ways, so it wasn't surprising that I had many delusions about God / the devil etc and a realisation as I was coming out of the psychosis that "heaven is on earth" - and I was willing my family to wait for me as I "came back". Just before the psychosis set in on the evening of day 3 - that day I heard God say to me that me, my partner and my son were going to be OK. This was not normal for me AT all, I had never experienced anything like it before. I was filled with peace (until I became ill). Though I'm sure some others will think that was just the psychosis starting and it wasn't 'real' but I do believe that it was 'God' (whatever that means) giving me that message so strongly and it was something I held onto through the hell of the psychosis and depression that followed.

The other day I had a meeting with an external supervisor at work (a psychotherapist) and we talked a lot about the PP and I spoke about how I want to integrate the experience in my life - that I feel it was / is a turning point in my life, a significant moment that will change the course of my life, but I'm still trying to work out what that is. Something to do with work/vocation which you express too, but deeper than that somehow, a whole different way of being which others also spoke about (e.g. practicing Buddhism etc). For me it was such a significant, important thing that happened, it has changed the whole way I view things, but I feel as well I need to act more on these realisations and live out what I've discovered somehow.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. Great to hear of others similar experience!

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