Struggle

I've always suffered from panic attacks and up to a certain degree depression, I also struggled with alcohol addiction and my life was chaotic. I suffered ME (brain fog) and have struggled with health anxiety. I had twins in 2005 and for 3 years I've never felt happier, I think it had to do with the pregnancy hormones. Then out of the blue in Feb 2009 a train hit me, for a long time I had been suffering from stomach pains and in the back of my mind.I was always convinced I had cancer. Suddenly my anxiety fears became out of control, I was convinced I had a tumor. My anxiety went through the roof, and I ended up in a mental ward for 4 days, following that my struggle really began, I tumbled into a terrible depression, with awful suicidal thoughts, because I found my anxiety so difficult to deal with. Slowly and surely I got better and life seemed worth living again, however, anxiety & depression would still kick in on a regular basis. Then I fell in love!!! And even though the situation was difficult, I left my partner and the situation became very stressful, for about 6 months I felt fantastic! Ha ha, but I my insecurities about my situation started taking its toll and increasingly my anxiety came back and so did my depression. I'm in this state now where every thought in my head triggers anxiety, it can be, "I need to eat a sandwich". I get anxious about the anxiety and fearful about the depression, I've thought about suicide a lot and the weird thing is, I should be so happy! I have 2 lovely children, a nice job, a lovely new boyfriend. Yes the situation is difficult, I'm still living with my ex-partner and my bf lives in another part of the country, but I feel so out of control and terrified of another breakdown. I feel a let down towards my children because I think about suicide and this in turn makes me more anxious & depressed. I try to do things to make myself better but I give up because my anxiety gets the better of me. I have a wonderful therapist but who is going to see me again because my therapy had ended, I really thought I had turned a corner. I see the future very bleak, because I just feel I'll never get over this awful condition and on top of that people don't understand this condition very well. I am very scared that one day I will commit suicide. This is my biggest fear which gives me the biggest amount of anxiety.

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  • If you feel suicidal you need to seek help ASAP

  • this site is very good if u need to chat about your feelings or need advise from other sufferers about different ways of coping with anxiety, i agree with sharon u need to get help from a proffessional if your having suicidal thoughts, please dont suffer in silence with this there is help out there and u can get lots of support from people on here. marie x

  • Hey Bluegirl

    You are not on your own, there are a lot of us out there suffering with this illness and if you ever need to talk just come on here. I am new to this site, but I have suffered this for a couple of years too and at the beginning when I had my meltdown I thought about suicide, even sat on my living room floor with a broken glass in my had wondering if anyone would miss me if I slashed my wrists, but I knew this was not the answer and knew I have to find a way to get myself better and you will too. It is not easy, it is a daily struggle, but you have to keep going and it does get easier. Yes, you will have bad days, I still do, but you just have to keep going for your boyfriend and your kids...hang in there.

  • Thank you for your kind words - I am feeling a bit better over the past 2 days, I made an appointment with my GP, my therapist has come back to me with an appointment, I went to a meditation class at the London Buddhist Centre yesterday, and I have been enjoying being with my children, I really really don't want to end my life, but when I am in a storm (my anxiety), it is really hard to see that life can be any different, and my head feels so battered afterwards, but I am a really positive person and I adore my children. The isolation I feel when I'm in anxiety mode is very hard because you do believe that you are the only person in the world who feels this way. What I find really hard to accept is that it happened to me at all, yes I suffered from panic attacks, but GAD is something new to me, and the depression that comes with it I find really hard to handle, I keep telling myself I have to accept that the way I am feeling is the way I am feeling, but it's really hard and I can't help thinking that before my life was so much different. In fact - I think I preferred my problems with alcohol to this! At least I got to be blind drunk occasionally (about twice a week), now I don't even have that! My biggest fear is that nothing that I will do will get rid of this awful condition and I will suffer with this for the rest of my life, I know that is not a way to look at it, but I would like to be free of this debillitating condition...I have a friend who at this point in time is fighting cancer, she is so brave, if I was in her shoes they would have to cart me off to the funny farm...I think...

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