I've always suffered from panic attacks and up to a certain degree depression, I also struggled with alcohol addiction and my life was chaotic. I suffered ME (brain fog) and have struggled with health anxiety. I had twins in 2005 and for 3 years I've never felt happier, I think it had to do with the pregnancy hormones. Then out of the blue in Feb 2009 a train hit me, for a long time I had been suffering from stomach pains and in the back of my mind.I was always convinced I had cancer. Suddenly my anxiety fears became out of control, I was convinced I had a tumor. My anxiety went through the roof, and I ended up in a mental ward for 4 days, following that my struggle really began, I tumbled into a terrible depression, with awful suicidal thoughts, because I found my anxiety so difficult to deal with. Slowly and surely I got better and life seemed worth living again, however, anxiety & depression would still kick in on a regular basis. Then I fell in love!!! And even though the situation was difficult, I left my partner and the situation became very stressful, for about 6 months I felt fantastic! Ha ha, but I my insecurities about my situation started taking its toll and increasingly my anxiety came back and so did my depression. I'm in this state now where every thought in my head triggers anxiety, it can be, "I need to eat a sandwich". I get anxious about the anxiety and fearful about the depression, I've thought about suicide a lot and the weird thing is, I should be so happy! I have 2 lovely children, a nice job, a lovely new boyfriend. Yes the situation is difficult, I'm still living with my ex-partner and my bf lives in another part of the country, but I feel so out of control and terrified of another breakdown. I feel a let down towards my children because I think about suicide and this in turn makes me more anxious & depressed. I try to do things to make myself better but I give up because my anxiety gets the better of me. I have a wonderful therapist but who is going to see me again because my therapy had ended, I really thought I had turned a corner. I see the future very bleak, because I just feel I'll never get over this awful condition and on top of that people don't understand this condition very well. I am very scared that one day I will commit suicide. This is my biggest fear which gives me the biggest amount of anxiety.
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