OCD, Panick attack, Emetophobia

I feel like I am living in my own personal hell. Created by the obsessions, the worries, and the panic that always finds a way to creep in. I don't really know where this all started. But it its worse in college about 10 years ago. I got a norovirus while on vacation one year and it triggered a severe bout of anxiety about getting the stomach virus. My family calls me obsessed and crazy. I get zero support. Four years later I went to college and my obsession grew to monstrous proportions. I was prescribed citalopram but didn't take it because it made me feel sick to my stomach. I was taking an ever growing dose of ambien because it was the only thing that would make me sleep. I was waking up in the middle of the night having full blown panic attacks. They involved severe nausea, extreme chills, and I would walk and walk and walk. Probably about 5-6 miles per night. It took me 3 years to break that horrible cycle. But finally I felt normal. Every now and then my anxiety about possibly catching the stomach virus would appear but it was soon thwarted, no big deal. I even caught the virus once and it was not a big deal either oddly enough. I got pregnant and dealt with morning sickness and that was no big deal either. Then I had my daughter. In general I became a germaphobe because she was a newborn and it was important not to get her sick while she was so little. Then we found out she had a dairy allergy. I was and am breastfeeding and so I cut that out of my diet. But not before she started having seizures. Come to find out, she was closing her airway because of such severe reflux from the allergy. She is now 1 1/2 and ever since then I am terrified of her getting sick. So now not only do I have this uncontrollable fight or flight response going on in my head about stomach viruses, all I can think of is her having another episode and getting so sick she needs to go to the hospital. I feel completely out of control. As I write this my husband has a stomach virus and my anxiety is through the roof. I just want to be normal. How do people cope with getting sick? I can't sleep even thought I am so tired because my body will literally jump me out of a sleep and I don't know who would take care of my daughter if I do get sick not to mention I need to breastfeed her.

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3 Replies

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  • Hello

    I know what ocd is like but I thank goodness I do not have a fear of been sick even though I have other fears of getting ill but I could hear how anxious and tired you are just by reading your post and my heart goes out to you

    I think the best thing you could do is see your Doctor and maybe get some support in the form of some therapy , could it also be a bit of postnatal depression adding to how you are feeling even a year and a half after having a child we can still have postnatal depression but talking with a Doctor would get you a diagnosis

    With anxiety it usually get's us with one fear or another and the way it keeps a hold of us is to keep feeding this fear and unfortunate as it is your Daughter has an allergy which has helped in a big way for the anxiety to get a hold

    All rational thinking goes out the window , where if we were been rational we would maybe say that it will all be ok , if we get ill we will get better and we are lucky that if things get a little serious we have Doctors and Hospitals we can go to that will make sure we are fine but instead all we see is doom and gloom but therapy helps us reverse the negative thinking we have adapted to into positive rational thinking

    Keep coming on and talking with others , I know you have not had many replies on this post but sometimes posts get missed or there are not many on but someone usually will reply and knowing someone is listening to you does help even if in a small way :-)

    Take Care x

  • Thank you for your kind words. I haven't spoken to anyone about this in a long time. I did bring it up to my husband shortly after my daughter was born, but he shut me down and asked me if I needed help (therapy etc) was I going to harm the baby? I couldn't believe it really. I haven't said anything since. The anxiety definitely increased after witnessing her stopping her breathing and turning blue. She did this numerous times and it was always unpredictable. It scared me so badly.

  • Awwww this story is heart braken I'd be the same you've got it tuff dealing with a daughter who's sick your guna be worried no matter what buyt your doing a great job don't get down it's not your fault she will soon over come it and be normal, a wish you well and take care all the best xx

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