hello people! I want you all to have a great day!
i have ocd and some psychosis
and i am not sure if this is true but people make greater decisions when they are hungry - which is probing an eating disorder
For some time i have been in a dream state! and today i started work - at first i was SO anxious, but as the day progressed - i really liked the people around me! they weren't acting as though they were better than me - like my uni friends! I felt SAFE! I didn't want to control the conversation - and despite this being such a shitty job -it gave me a parameter of my life that i could control! It felt nice. The truth is - i could imagine myself in this company! all people their were down to earth! It felt okay!
My thoughts and wants, are incredibly volatile mixed with ocd:- a recipe for disaster!
I've abandoned all my friends, but today i forgot about that!
the truth is when i go to uni i feel deep fear - it's very far from home and i don't know whether it's what i want!
and if I do go - i turn into a psycho - but, my teachers say you could be a CEO some day - but its just built on... (i dont want to say it...).
If i go to uni, i want to live alone - which sounds sad - but i can control my persona
It seems when i jump into these big ideas (i get very anxious) i feel out of my depth ocd makes me feel in my depth! 24/7 ocd is painful you end up with teeth issues (TMJ) and other issues
Part of me wants to finish my degree -- as i can get CBT whilst i am there! but part of me knows withdrawing from society in order to hoard some information on my degree is bad! but i don't want to let myself down and others! I don't want to ruin my life!
going to uni has turned me into an ass, but its the only life that exists! i pushed all my "friends" away by withdrawing and some i made enemies out of! sometimes i feel why am i going to the ends of the earth to impress a few people.
to uni or not to uni? (parents need me to leave!)
Any help is seriously seriously more than welcome!