I've had symptoms of Depression/Anxiety for around 2 years - but only had them diagnosed as that in January. I decided very quickly to avoid Anti-depressants (and thats not changing) so put my name down for Cognitive Behavoural Therapy (CBT). I was signed off of work in February and waited for CBT assessments so that I could start CBT. I got through the CBT assessment and had my first CBT session set for mid April. At the beginning of April, my 72 year old Mum (only remaining parent) died after a botched-up gallbladder removal. I attended the CBT assessment, told them of the bereavement 4 days previous and during that session and the next 4 sessions, much of the talking and homework I did was related to the loss of Mum. As these were all "real" thoughts (not twisted or bias thoughts) my CBT got suspended until I could "get over" the bereavement. Bereavement councilling is set for October (they dont like to see bereaved during the first 6 months of bereavement). Until then, I'm in limbo with depression/anxiety and bereavement.
Part of the drug-free depression treatment was due to be a sport-for-all perscription to get my endorphins racing and make me feel better naturally. This involved having a few medical forms filled in by my GP about 3 months ago. We got to "Blood pressure" and ... its almost 200 over 125 with a pulse of 99 - Critically high!!! Apparently there are four stages of medicine treatment for High Blood Pressure. I was prescribed the first medicine and after a month it was up'd to the maximum dose, but did nothing. I was then prescribed a second type to be taken on top of the first, but again another month went by and, no improvement, so I'm now on both of those tablets still but also Beta Blockers as the 3rd stage. Beta blockers were originally avoided by my GP because I have a history of Asthma.
The other thing is, I'm obese - and I was told that for every stone I lose, I could drop 10 numbers off of my blood pressure readings, so 200 becomes 190 etc... Now, I've been losing weight steadily since Mum died anyway...but now... I'm on three types of medication, AND losing weight and still no improvement. The other thing is, in the "side effects" listed in the Beta Blockers are "Weight Gain" and "Depression" and "Realistic/Vivid bad dreams" none of which I need as the weight gain would go against the idea of losing weight to drop the blood pressure, the depression I want to get rid of, not amplify, and I've been getting vivid bad dreams since Mum died.
Add to that my full sick pay has now stopped, adding to financial issues. I've still got lots to arrange for selling Mums house and clearing it (which is so utterly painful to the very core) and my work emailing me, rather crudely and abruptly asking when I expect to be back.
Sometimes I beleive absolutely in heaven and that I'm just being played with, what with all these things counter-acting each other, other days I think that if there is a heaven then I want to be there to be with Mum again, other days I think heaven is just a false hype (sorry to anyone religious), but each day that I either beleive or disbelieve in Heaven the level of belief is either 100% that it DOES exist and that Mum is there, or 100% that it CANT exist and therefore theres no point in going there as Mum wont be there - but at least I wouldnt be in limbo/circle anymore.
Does being big make it worse
Mirtazapine... Lack of energy and weight gain.
Psychological or physical confusion
Acceptance confusion urgent help. 
I’m confused/ worried 
