I feel like he triggers soooooo many negative emotions in me. He also is now making my anxiety and other mental health issues about him. So now I must lean on my family (which they don’t mind, because they don’t really care for him) to get through my hardest days.
I just need to think all of this through; we have two kids and a dog. He’s emotionally immature so living in a loveless marriage is nothing to him. I’m not like him, I don’t believe in forcing things … but thinking of disrupting my kids lives is really the only thing keeping me here.
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I agree with hypercat. Children are resilient, they will adjust and there’s always therapy to help them work through it. How old are your children? They pick up on your emotions so if you’re unhappy and stressed all the time, they know it. The main thing is that they know it’s not their fault.
Absolutely I could leave him ! My family is very supportive of me and not very fond of him at all actually. They feel a lot of my issues arise because I literally have to do almost everything within the household and the kids. I’m literally just holding out to see once I start working in 2 weeks, the kids going back to school, it’ll be less tension in the house. I don’t want to go back to abusing substances or mg prescriptions to make it through the day.
Yes they are 5 and 10; they are definitely starting to pick up on my anxiety and unhappiness. I really try my best to hide it from them. But that also comes from even when he’s off I almost never get a break. That’s why my sister gets so furious because if I do have to go out they will literally beg for her to watch them opposed to stay home with him while I’m out. That just shows how disconnected from him they are. That’s why sometimes when I get su*cidal ideations my sister get beside herself. It wasn’t always like this. But a couple years ago he got a great new job in the medical industry, making great money and then suddenly everything has to revolve him and his schedule. This is what took me so lunch to find a job! I resigned my last job in March I had to turn down so many job opportunities because it didn’t “work” around his schedule. Thank god I got this new opportunity and I’m gonna stick with it whether I like or dislike it. And he’ll have to help more. HE will have to get with my program, otherwise we find a way to separate in a way that’s less harmful for the children.
Sometimes making that kind of change we need to can seem monumental, and starting small could help empower yourself, like getting some counseling from a non-bias professional source on how to deal with your current situation. When we stay too long in an unhealthy relationship, it is smothering and dysfunctional. Having kids does make it harder to make changes, but it sounds like you have a great support system, they would certainly help you through stuff. My sister had four kids at home and a real jerk of a husband for 16yrs .... she stayed about 15 years too long in a loveless marriage.
After my 15 years in my previous marriage...with about 10 of them was of convenience more so, I thought that was normal...Then I heard a great comment from someone who did the same at one time. They said they would rather be on their own, than live another day in a marriage or partnership without love. I took their advice...and after a few years of being alone and finding myself again, I found the kind of love I'd always thought didn't exist for me. It's been 14 years now and still going. Nothing's ever easy in any relationship, but if you have to work too hard at it, maybe it's not meant to be.
This is amazing and gives me hope. Also super kudos to you and your sister for hanging on as long as you guys did. He’s definitely a person once he gets comfortable in a situation he’ll stay whether it be good, bad, or indifferent. And you hit it right on the head it has because absolutely smothering and dysfunctional. I’m so happy you found your true love story , and if this doesn’t work for me…. I would take time to heal myself and then whatever happens for me happens 🩷
Even the good relationships take work sometimes....that's normal. But when it's easy most of the time, and you always feel connected by some invisible thread, we are comfortable being ourselves and doing our own thing, we know we have each other ultimately.
I always hated 'Rom-Coms'...they are so korney...and never was drawn to that romance stuff, because I never believed real love existed, but when your really loved... it's very healing. I didn't have it growing up, anything but actually. So as an adult, often we gravitate with what we knew as normal in our first relationships...and that isn't always good, usually just continuing the neglect after the honeymoon phase. So....I had to take some serious time off and get to understand why that kept happening. Then I could make better choices.
Best thing to do is take your children and Leave. Children brought up in abusive families (whether physical or otherwise) will assume that kind of interaction is normal, and take it into the next generation, unless you act Now.
It will be more disrupting to your children's lives, the longer you remain in the toxic environment. (Been There, Done that, brought my children up solo). 33 years on they are well-adjusted adults.
As an immature male, it may be the only way to teach him that he needs therapy to grow up.
It sounds like you’re in a really difficult situation, and I can understand why you’re feeling so torn. When I was in a similar place, I found it helpful to focus on what would ultimately be best for my well-being and my kids’ happiness in the long run. It’s important to take the time to think things through, but also to remember that you deserve to be in a supportive, loving environment. Leaning on your family is a good step—they care about you and want to see you happy. Whatever you decide, it’s okay to prioritize your mental health and your kids’ emotional well-being. You’re not alone in this.
I can so relate to your dilemma. I stayed in a loveless marriage for years because of my kids. My thinking was maybe things might miraculously improve and I didn’t want my kids to have divorced parents and suffer everything that I believed would come from that. I figured I’d take the bullet (and stick around) for my kids since I was the one that made a bad decision in getting married to the wrong person in the first place.
If I were you I’d figure out if you believe there is any love left. If there is, you could always go to marriage counseling, set some new boundaries for the sake of your mental health and maybe have a new beginning together if you’re both willing to put in the work. If not, I’d try to break away from the old traditional thinking that your kids will suffer from single separate parenting. Kids are smart and they sense when things aren’t good. If you stay for them you’re setting an example of what a relationship looks like and that stays with them too possibly affecting their own future relationships.
My ex was emotionally checked out but so was I. Staying for so long in an unhappy situation played havoc on my anxiety over the years until I eventually had zero respect for myself and for him.
There’s so much to consider, I understand how difficult it is especially with so many layers of connectivity that have to be undone should you decide to go your separate ways. Put yourself at the top of your list when mulling over what would genuinely make YOU happy. Lean on your family who truly care about you, they can give you perspective that you can’t see right now to help you make the right decisions for yourself and your future. You deserve to be happy, whatever that looks like to you. Reflect on the past, journal about it, pros and cons list if that helps, but most importantly listen to your gut. You probably already have the answers you’re seeking. Take your time processing your thoughts.
Kids and animals adapt to change better than we do. If you’re happy, they’re happy. Take care.
“I figured I’d take the bullet (and stick around) for my kids since I was the one that made a bad decision in getting married to the wrong person in the first place.”
This is exactly my thought process. Wow, so I’m not alone in this. This is so encouraging to hear others stories. And boy oh boy “emotionally checked out” isn’t even the half. I’m giving it a timeline, with me going back to work, and the kids headfirst back into the new school year and their constant extracurricular activities. I can’t be the only one juggling the bucket on my head anymore. If I have to call my sister or family every time I need help, then I don’t need him at all. Thank you so much for your support!
That sentence hit home for me too. It's the guilt and the punishment - the blame and the consequences that I think most women can relate to. Sometimes, I really believe, we do choose the right one, but he changes. I know that sounds like a cop out but in my case, the change came really quite late on in the partnership, and now I know there is something wrong. He is just not the same man. Now he's changed again into someone so dependent - it's not him. But that's me.
Now, I have a feeling that your children not only sense your unhappiness and stress but would support you (in their own ways). I know they are only young, but do you think that hiding the real issues from them is going to make their lives better than allowing them to understand what is happening? Is your husband at all good with the children, or is he an "absent" father? Many children are more capable of understanding why "Mum is sad" than we imagine and would grow up better living with one happy parent than two unhappy ones. If they can give and receive hugs with you, there is another branch of support that you could nurture.
If you decide to leave, don't leave it too long. It's going to hurt, but you will cope much better while you are young and you can get your life on a better track.
Yup ! Same here! The change came after the birth of our youngest child. We had already been together almost 4 years at that point and he was fine. I mean he’s always been a narcissist, but so our my parents I guess that’s why it didn’t bother me lol. You are absolutely right; my children are so in tune with me they know when I’m down emotionally. Last week when I had a pretty bad anxiety attack, my youngest started crying and when my sister went to console her said “I don’t know how to help mommy”. When my sister told me that I literally felt my heart breaking. I spent last weekend with my family (siblings) and we I returned he’s been cold bicker-y most of this week. His said my health is affecting him too. It’s just such BS, he’s barely home, and when he is taking 90 min showers or playing video games. I taking back a lot of the control I previously lost. If he can’t adapt then so be it.
my ex was similar and things got so bad because I was afraid to leave. I started to not like the sight of him, and became extremely resistant full. I struggled to keep it in any longer and would just be rude. It was not nice, and it wasn’t who I was. In the end he left, and emotionally I wasn’t prepared. He left in a way that caused trauma to our daughter. She was 10 at the time. Reflecting back, to leave and be there for my daughter would have been ideal. Instead I drowned in sorrow and my mental health plummeted. I didn’t have family around to support me. She is now 20 and I am sooo grateful my ex left.
My rudeness has been off the charts. I can tell he’s miserable. But even something like taking out the garbage is an argument with this man. He literally expects me to do EVERYTHING. I don’t know how his mother did it without snapping.
I remember working all day and taking care of my daughter and coming home to a sink filled with dishes. I would just cry. My ex was on disability and home all day. Though he had reasons to find chores a struggle I didn’t see why he couldn’t wash one dish at a time even if it took all day. It was hard. I get it.
This made me literally tear up. Because that was me. Thank you for sharing your experience. I remember one day I was making dinner and I just started tearing up, then crying in the kitchen. I was just so overwhelmed, tired…. drowning. Just this morning we had an argument where he feels like even though he has 1-2 days during the week where he gets off early (3pm) he shouldn’t have to help with pick up because their school “is out of his way”. Normally the old me would just relent, but I instantly replied “Well I guess you’ll be helping make dinner twice a week or giving the dog an extra walk.” I had him cornered and there was no way out of it. Yaaaaaaaay me lol. He’s really resisting with helping with any domestic responsibilities and I don’t care anymore. Walking dog at 6am, getting kids ready for school /making breakfast, bus dropoff, then off to work, get off work, pick them up from afterschool, go home and walk dog, cook, wash dishes, bathtime, and this is my daily life guys. On weekends Sat I do laundry, we doing food shopping together. I’ll usually FORCE an activity to do with the kids. Sundays I leave him to do whatever because he’ll just slither off anyway. Even reading all of that I’m exhausted and can’t believe I literally let all this slide for so many years. Also explains why I probably keep having breakdowns / anxiety attacks. No more.
I don’t know how old you are but just realize life is sooo short, and realize the deeper the hole we dig the harder it is to climb out. I’m referring to our mental health, but I guess also for other aspects of life too. You have probably tried things to make it work, so that’s why I haven’t been going in the direction of suggestions. I just can’t help but think if you hit burnout what that wil be like for your kids because it happened to me. On the flip side if you can take control, regain your strength, how happy your children will be with a vibrant, happy mom with energy to spare. You and your kids will be a team - that’s how they will be ok 🤗
Thank you for your comment. I’m in my mid thirties. Yes I have definitely hit the stage of burnout. At one point my family used to come around frequently, but then stopped because they would get so angry at seeing me do everything. See me always in a state of exhaustion. I have tried so many different ways to work things out. I’m not perfect, my mental health diagnoses also can be a challenge at times. But that has nothing to do with sharing the responsibilities of our family. He literally thinks he’s supposed to go to work, come home, eat, shower, sleep, work again. And I don’t want my kids to think this is okay. I’m fighting for a lot of changes, not only for myself but them as well.
I hear you,, my X wife never cared or took my panic attacks seriously .. I suffered in silence for years .. Don't do it.. Obviously he doesnt care about your feelings or well-being.. Don't underestimate your kids.. They will be fine.. Make BXgirlmom happy for a change!!
Thank you for sharing that with me !! I’m sorry you suffered in silence for so long, as have I. I’ve been taking baby steps to start carving out time for myself for my own mental sanity.
That's excellent . Keep it going .. Not to sound selfish but you have to start thinking of yourself.. Most people in my life just took took and took. After a while it makes you really feel empty! Please start thinking about yourself and you will see it will help,,
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