I cant do this anymore

[Mayumi_]

I'm not sure how am I supposed to keep on going. Like I was so so so proud that I broke up with me ex and today I was again like he didn't respond. I didn't wrote again, I didn't called him. He was not my first thought In the morning when I woke up. I wanted to get back my things from him, he ignored it. Maybe it was a fake excuse for myself just to feel something again. I know what he did to me. It was bad. All I can think about is him, like literally. I dont think about myself how I could achieve my goals. I lost focus again. I might crawl back to him pathetically and suffer more just to not be in this state. Im ignored in both relationships with my only contacts irl which is Mom and my ex was. I mean, I got so attention seeker and still I suffer because its toxic, I know they dont care. I need to heal, to move on, to move out

I cant do this anymore.

Yet, I hate myself so bad there is like forever when I was so dumb I thought things could once in a Time happen good for me. God knows the last time I felt genuenly happy. I never belonged to anywhere. I never had anyone who would like me just because its me.

What am I supposed to do ? I cant even kill myself because im a coward.

Im so drained. All I do is wake up, distract myself. Hoping, daydreaming, suffer. I dont even have a job. I dont have friends.

I cant change myself. And I cant get professional help.

At this point idk where could I get mind peace.

I should wake up and go. But im like 100% sure I would fail and run away, back to home and sleep all day. Only smoke a ton of cigarettes and drank a lot of energy drinks Till im a le to sleep

Then the next day is the same still.( Thats what I do since yesterday and I feel its getting to be my life again Till I reach that my ex Will meet me and we get back together and then I suffer more, just in a different waY) it cant be my reality again.

There is no comfort. There is no motivation

Sorry. Im pathetic, helpless. You can roast me.

[beehappy2day]

Hi Mayumi_ 💜

I hear you and am glad that you have the space to vent these feelings. Have you considered or tried contacting the 988 crisis hotline? They should be able to connect you with someone to talk to about these feelings and may also be able to help provide information on mental health resources that may be available to you virtually or in your area.

But know that you're not alone! Your situation sounds really hard and you are coping with it to the best of your ability. Know that you are not a pathetic; you are simply a person experiencing pain and those feelings are valid.

When I'm overwhelmed by feelings like this, I find at least a small sense of calm when focusing only on my breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth. I'll do that until I feel calm enough to try to do anything else, and if I start to feel overwhelmed again, I'll stop what I'm doing and return to focusing on my breath. It's okay if all you do today is breathe. You deserve to heal and feel better.

Wishing you well and some peace of mind,

- beehappy2day 🐝

[Irishisme]

first of all yes! Be proud of yourself and focus on the fact that u did get out of the toxic relationship. I know that it is hell for you. All I can tell you is I’m seeing it before my eyes with my own daughter. She ended an abusive relationship but then attempted suicide. She was in the hospital for two weeks after that and while sedated she was crying and calling out for him. It was hell to watch this and know how much power he had over her. She is still having issues with going back and forth between hating him and hating herself for still having feelings for him. You WILL heal but just like it took time to get into that situation it will take time to fully recover. Keeping yourself busy is the main thing to push for. When you have too much time you can think too much and you’ve been conditioned to think a certain way by your ex so your thoughts will always go there. Redirect yourself. Go for a walk in the park. Notice nature. Even watching birds and the way they fly. Or kids playing. If u have any interest in an hobbies that keep your hands busy do that. There might be a 12 step program you can go to just to sit in on and hear other people talk about their struggles. Even if their issues aren’t related to yours you can see how other people struggle in their lives and you are not alone. You didn’t cause this. It is something that happened to you. I wish you all the blessings in the world and know you can do this ❤️

[catsrock]

Just sending you so many hugs. Have you tried tapping meditations? I just do the free ones at this site: thetappingsolution.com/

[roses4all]

Hey, I'm really glad you broke up with a toxic ex. I did the same thing many years ago. It takes time, lots and lots of time. And I know you want to go back... at least part of you. Myself, I want what he promised, not what he kept giving me. Even today, years and years later... I WON'T GO BACK... not to that nastiness.... but I still want what he promised.