Comparing feelings and relationships

[sad_watermelon]

The last month was very hard for me because of various things that happened into my life, but now things started to go a bit better, but there is a constant feeling deep inside of me as a form of a ball in my stomach and I feel my heart beating super fast, but in reality it beats normally, but for me it feels like it beats very very fast. And one of the reasons for my conditions is the fact that I am constantly comparing myself to others and seeing the good in their lives and wanting it for me too. For example, my friends started work this summer and even though I wanted to give all my last summer to my parents and my friends, well, when my friends started work I realized I won't be able to be with them a lot, so I started thinking I want to start work too, but it was impossible because of me having to travel a lot because of university preparation. So what I did was (I'm passionate about theater and that's what I'm going to study in university) so I decided to work as a volunteer in a local theater, so I go there and just observe all the preparation the actors do and I can go there whenever I want and go home whenever I want and it's perfect, but you know it was perfect for two days until I saw my friends at my birthday ( I did a little party and everything was going perfectly), but at the end we started having our girl talk and we are three friends and one of my friends has never had a boyfriend, while my two other friends have boyfriends right now and they're pretty happy together and I just had a breakup last month with my first ever boyfriend, which I was thinking would be the one for me and I was very happy with him, but we ended on good terms. I thought I was over him, I was good, we see each other because we're friends and there are no romantic feelings I guess, but when my two friends started telling me how happy they are with their boyfriends and they're moving to university and for one of my friends, her boyfriend is going to be in the same town as her when she goes to university and they're going to live together, my other friend told me how happy she is with her boyfriend, how he treats her like a princess, he's very caring and they love each other a lot and I started missing a lot being, you know, hugged or kissed on the forehead, being told that I am loved and all of these sweet things that we get in a relationship and I started missing this a lot and feeling worse because of their talks and I told them that I'm not feeling okay with us having this talk, but it was too late because their words were already in my head so I won't forget them. I'm not the kind of person who, you know, wants a relationship, actually before meeting my ex-boyfriend, I didn't want a relationship at all, but now that I have experienced this, it kind of gets hard for me to hear that my friends are getting what I need. You know, waking up next to somebody that you love and just being hugged in the morning, it would be perfect for me because I have been going through a lot and just a bit of hugs from someone that I love would be very good for me... My friends are inviting me for a sleepover because this is our last summer together and I really want to go there, but every time I think of it, I tell myself, "well, what if I feel bad again?" and I don't know what to do because I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to compare myself to others and I have never been looking for a relationship, so I'm not going to do that, but I just don't want to feel this need of someone for me to feel good and it's very hard for me to get over it.

[LoveforAll41]

I am sorry you are down sad_watermelon... life can be so hard and sad sometimes. I am glad you have a passion in theater and something that you love doing.

I often have to try to override my emotional brain with my logical brain. Sometimes I am wrong to do this, sometimes right. I would perhaps make a list of pros and cons of going to spend time with your friends, and hopefully this will help you make the right decision. I would guess that spending time with them, perhaps for the last time in a long while, would be the decision you make.

Relationships can be wonderful, but make sure that you work for a good relationship and don't just get into one to be in a relationship. I also find that thinking about relationships it will always be remembering the old relationship until a new one is experienced. Sorry, I probably have not really been helpful here, but I wish you peace on your journey.