My primary care doctor won't be available for the appointment that we have in July. I could reschedule for a bit earlier but the change has already thrown me off so much that I don't see the point. If she felt comfortable giving me psychiatric medication or if she was even able to, I fully think she would've done it by now.
I've seen her 3 times in the past year and a half. Every time, we bring up my depression and anxiety. She asks if I have a psychiatrist and when I say I don't, she writes me a referral. When I did have a psychiatrist and I was on meds that were making me sick, she couldn't do anything except tell me to talk to the psychiatrist that I had.
There was no point in seeing her anyway. She already wrote me a referral but no one is available until December. I was looking for someone outside of her healthcare group because she said she can write referrals to other doctors but the only doctors I found, won't accept her referral. Even if I did change doctors, change to a different group, even change my insurance, it's too much work to do something that I don't want to do.
I don't want to get better anymore. I gave up months ago and I've been pushing through it anyway. It's excruciating enough already. I don't want to wait for months just to see a new primary and get a referral and then wait again. I don't have friends or family or anyone that deeply knows or cares about me. That isn't the depression talking. I was screaming and crying on the floor in front of my mother less than 20 minutes ago and she didn't try to hold me. She didn't say anything at all. She wouldn't even look at me. I live with three other family members and no one came to check on me.
There's no point in fighting but I don't know what to do. I can't keep doing this alone but I really have no choice. I want to give up so badly but even that's difficult. I refuse to go to inpatient again. I've been there at least 4 times and it never helps me. I always end up feeling more hopeless afterwards. Because I come back to a house full of people who don't care what happens to me. The doctors never provide any follow up care or even enough meds to make a difference. I'd just end up back where I am right now. There's nothing I can do.
