self-care isn't just hard, it's infuriating (for me)

[CroutonBehavior]

I've been having nightmares and what I would consider highly emotional dreams all week. I guess I don't feel rested because I fall asleep in the middle of the day and then back asleep sometime in the early morning. Falling asleep isn't hard and I'm not anxious during the day. I avoid scary content and changed my diet to see if it would make a difference but it hasn't. It's possible that the nightmares are just a combination of stress and trauma resurfacing but I have little desire to calm myself down.

I don't just have a lack of enjoyment when trying to do self-care, I get extremely angry and uncomfortable. I'm never able to do self-care mindfully or else I get overwhelmed and frustrated before I even start. The act of seeking out comfort or joy makes me uncomfortable. Maybe because it's impossible for me? I know I deserve it, I don't think low self-esteem is the problem. I might just be so deeply depressed and repulsed by life that I don't even want to do anything that would help me be comfortable here. It's like trying to make a jail cell look nice when I have a constant overwhelming desire to break out.

By self-care, I mean anything kind to myself. Not just physical self-care and face masks. But taking a deep breath makes me so angry that I instinctively suppress my breathing when the idea arises. I wouldn't be able to read a book or consume any content because I always get too irritated to focus. No matter what, nothing is enjoyable. I didn't know that lack of interest and lack of pleasures came with the presence of overwhelming disgust for things that are intended to be helpful.

[apr06]

I know taking care of yourself is hard but hearing you struggle so much with your "cell" mean that you truly care for it and nothing else. You sure do feel an intense emotion when you're trying to get through it all and that by any means is you are a strong person for giving it all the efforts you've done.

Nightmares are always an annoying feature i would say, it made the night felt even more exhausting than it should be. Times that was supposedly to be your rest time after being busy on the day, but the cycle could switch under a disturbance.

What i think we needed right now is a reset, to change something, even though we still struggle with the exact stressor, i think changing an old habit or pattern of a thought that may lead to a saturated routine, worth the try.