Sunday morning. Hurring up. My sports teacher goes passive agressive for being late. Tbh im late for every class not only his. "Behind every idiotic act, there's an even more idiotic philosophic reason" his teacher used to say so he says it too. Never ment to be in this class but as always i was late for the list. Still trying to push through it. Still trying to learn something from it. Still trying to get something from it. Made it to the bus stop, anxiously looked to the timetable - no busses, it was sunday after all. I had 15 mins to get there maximum. Realised waiting on a miracle bus and hoping won't get me anywhere. Been there. Done that. So i thought i need a taxi. First thought - it's expensive but i don't have a card for the bus so it's a resource i can sacrifice. Second - scared to call. Third - will wait 5 mins till it arrives, if it arrives. Rushed down the street. I knew there was a spot where taxis stop. Saw two. Started thinking which one while running down the street with my still sore from yesterday body. One drove off. As this gave me some sence of ease as no ocd choosing one, i worried the other one will leave too so i hurried. Got there. So anxiously asked and arrived. 4,90 he took 5 out of my 10. Rushed to the lockers breathing heavily. Saw my friend, she made our promise to show up in shorts today. Went to the lockers and changed. Measured and cutted and wrapped my knees in elastic bands. I have had knee injuries and was scared my stamina was wearing thin. That's why I needed to be in shorts as well. So i could band my knees and watch over them. But i was anxious as hell being in shorts. Thought the teacher would make sarcastic comments about me doing it for attention and seduction. Or classmates thinking i look bad or inappropriate. When i just wanted to band my knees and watch over them. Also it was way too hot for a February morning.
Rushed to the saloon. Again his sentence like a saying in latin you repeat over and over again to prove your point. I was so anxious wearing shorts. Even though i had knee high socks and bands over my knees. No place to sit. I stayed in the corner by the wall while he was examining about today's sport theory. Was getting more and more awkward and tense staying up there so i just sat on the floor, hiding behind the others who had no seats. Question. I know this. But too socially anxious to answer. Next question got it. Next oh no i made a mistake, maybe i will shut up. Im weak on sports so i thought i could rise my mark with theory. Next gotta get up. Stayed by my friend so people see it's not only me in shorts there. So socially anxious. Did some warm ups. Splitted us in teams and gave us games. Firstable anxious but it was fun. At school i was always the first one eliminated, now i was making it to the last. Played some games people normally play in kindergarten. Some relay games. Then games like Fisher. In Fisher or Fish net, two people are fishers who hold hands and run together (seemed kinda dangerous to me but it was fun) and try to catch the other people who are the fish. The fishes caught join the net. At the end it looked like a horo (a dance where people hold hands in a chain) and i was just walking behind the net untouchable. One guy was trying to tell them to just turn but mates eliminated strategy from games. And i know i might be weak at sport (actually not that week as in school, i improved drastically) but i have strategy. Seeing they're just a large human spirale, the teacher said enough. Next was birdies and crows. Two teams staying on the line, one are birdies, the others are the crows. The teacher stays in the line and tells which ones chase. He stayed and said "birdies chase", i was still confused because im a graduate student playing a kindergarten game for the first time. Got caught. Again birdies chase. I was like "lol, those aren't birdies, those are hawks". Then played tail. Looked funny when a grown teacher putted some training band in his pants and said this is tail and the aim of the game was to keep our tails and collect others' tails. I would think i would be the first one eliminated. My mom and grandma would say im slow and yell at me to be careful and all, making me think of myself as a slow incapable kid. But now im an adult and i can play kindergarten games like an adult! 😼(Lmao) . But really i have had a perception of myself as someone really useless. Focused on defense. Basically ran the entire ground backwards, really agile. The teacher saw we the last ones standing were untouchable and i was playing defense and could keep on running backwards. I didn't even know i could run backwards lol.
At the end it was fun and nobody commented on my shorts.
It was actually fun , like the other choosable subject i ended up in - "Residence in kids and teens". Thought i would be terrible at both like my mom says and dad even told me to get a D grade. When i kept on fighting and i still keep on fighting for an A. (Need another post for mom, she's worring me lately). I showed up. I kept on trying. My other friend isn't even showing up. The one who introduced me to the guy who jumped. And he gave up. Years i keep on pushing. Saw the girl im in a team for the resilience class, she gave up as well and just showed up on jeans and that's what the teacher commented on. I kept on going. Trying. I even shoke off heartbreak because i went through hell and my strenght is at its prime. I needed to be away of the deprivating comments about myself "she's slow, fat, lazy, anxious". Im me. Im improving. Im resilient. Even though i thought i wasn't. But at the end it's me there trying my best when others don't even show up. I didn't give up. Through my whole journey i never gave up. Ran backwards, had some losses but never lost the war. Was playing a videogame with Taiwanese twins. The brother had some anxiety issues because of his health anxiety about his knee. Got better. He asked me to play assassin with his sister so she could improve and that she was learning and it would be easy. I lost the first kill, he was like wth. Eventually got late game strategy and won even without less kills. Trust the process. Trust me.
In the resilience class i heard a lot about trauma. Actually the teacher just gives us a task and goes to do sth else. I have ptsd. We were watching a documentary about people with trauma and one man said "I survived Aushwits but damn, no parent love feels worse". And that's something my dad always confronted me on. I was trying to tell him i have a trauma and ptsd and am not okay because of the trauma, he dissmissed me saying people survived wars and my "messed up brain chemistry" can't be worse than that and im just weak.... Tbh i don't think there's such thing as being weak. It's first natural ability to bounce back - which was a low start for me because of my family, genes, ways of being raised... And second the councious choice and work. And it's okay to vary. Healing is not linear.
Thanks for reading.
P. S. Worried about mom not responding
