How do I change my way of thinking?

[Slowlybreaking]

I am the kind of person that needs to be needed but that makes me have people in my life that take advantage of that. How do I be ok with being alone but not being lonely? Changing the way you think and function as a person is really hard and im wondering if anyone has any suggestions. Glad this weekend is finally over. Been crying for 3 days 😢

[libragirl73]

Hi! I am sorry you are so sad. You have to have people in your life where the relationship is reciprocal. You do for them, they do for you. That is what any friendship or relationship should be like. Anyone taking advantage of your giving nature (I am sure you know who they are) you should ease yourself away from them or as my mother would say, drop them like a bad habit. I like being needed also and I have been in the situation you are in with a couple of men (boyfriends) in the past. I realized that I felt even more lonely because I was doing all the work. Sometimes it took longer to realize that, but I finally did. Now I can see what I want over what I thought I needed and it was very liberating to me. I hope you get to where you need to feel happy!

[Hidden]

So the thing people do not understand is no one can be completely happy alone. What people refer to, but way to often misunderstand, is that being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. So feeling alone can happen with or without people in our lives. It depends on what those people do for us and how comfortable we feel around them. To better understand this think of your parents. You can be close with them but still lonely because they alone cannot satisfy all your emotional needs. And typically people hold back with their parents out of respect. So there is a lack of complete authenticity on that front as well. This isn't to say the connection is bad or not worth having, but only having that one connection leaves a person feelings lacking. This is different from being alone which means you have no contact with people at all. This is not tolerable for most people and pretty much every study we have on physical well being and mental well being state that having people around us is a vital part of our functioning. Now to address your question how to not feel alone by yourself, the answer is you cannot. If you are lacking a form of connection that you need then that feelings isn't going to go away. This doesn't mean it has to be romantic in nature but if you do not have a person who can offer you emotional support, if you don't have someone you feel heard by, if you do not have a person you can be completely yourself around, or anything else we typically need you are always going to feel lonely. This isn't me being a doomsayer and telling you it's all hopeless, it's not I am just pointing out the truth. So in order to not feel lonely you need to find the right kinds of people. Now this can mean, and often entails, fixing your thought processes and working on yourself. All of that is fantastic but you also have to realize it won't fix your loneliness issue. Think of it this way, in order to rehab after a surgery you need to start small and work your way up. If you try to charge right back into the things you would normally do then you will end up hurting yourself all over again. So what needs to happen in terms of healing and getting yourself better is putting the focus on the immediate issues. That being your need to be needed. Once you address that and do some self reflection on your own self worth and understand your values you can then build from there. You can still look for friends or other people while doing this but the goal should always be you first. So that you can find those healthy relationships, be they romantic or not. It's not easy and it really is difficult but the change starts with you first and figuring out what you need and want. I am sorry you are struggling I am also having a rough time with loneliness but I have to work on me right now and that is okay. Each day take things one day at a time. It's very much like running up a hill. The first couple of times you feel like death and may not even reach the top. But slowly over time it gets a little easier. Each day you run it gets a little easier until one day you are running up the hill no problem. I know it's hard right now. I know it hurts and it feels helpless but that is your mind being unkind to you. You can make it up that hill. You have the power inside you and you are worthy of it.

[libragirl73 in reply to Hidden]

I absolutely love this response! Amazing and so true.

[b1b1b1]

I think everyone is glad the weekend is over. I don't know what kind of work you do, but wonder if you might enjoy a caring profession. There are many of these, such as nurse, social worker, physical therapist, cat scanner, mammographer, etc

Also, as far as people in your life, you need to set boundaries. If you cannot do a favor for someone,you have to learn to say 'that doesn't work for me right now," or just simply "no I can't" A few days ago someone here made the excellent point that "no" is a complete sentence.

[Celtic27]

Hi there I would say that learn to love the person you are! Being lonely is horrible crying is your bodys way of letting the emotions out and not to build up to much. I wish you all the best take care david

[hypercat54]

Everyone needs to be needed as this is an essential part of the human condition. I read from your post that you could be a 'people pleaser' ie you have learnt to put everyone's needs above your own. This doesn't work as you need to attend to yourself as well otherwise you will end up feeling used by others.

[Rafiki11]

Have you thought about adopting a dog? Maybe that would help some with the loneliness and you would have someone to take care of who won’t take advantage of you.

That may help as you hone your wisdom about who to help and when and why.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Rafiki11]

Great idea

[Rafiki11]

You could also volunteer at an elementary school or animal shelter.

Here is some ideas for “helpers.”

enneagraminstitute.com/type-2