My first post

[Jeeper19]

I recently discovered that I have OCD and have lived a lot of my life in fear. I am currently overcoming fears and not letting anxiety control me and I am trying to learn who I really am without fear hanging over me. For most of my life I grew up with abusive and alcoholic parents with no real outside support from family members or friends to help me. Despite that I did well and have been successful in school and sports, until after high school when I didn't have close contact with friends and family and really started to feel alone. I went into the police academy at 20 and dropped out due to now knowing I was having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Shortly after that I started on anti-depressants and was on them until about 3 months ago, feeling positive and confident that I was able to go on without them. I am now 23 and learning how my thought patterns have fed my own anxiety and fears and learning to not try to control my thoughts and feelings and to let them be. Since then I have started to question if I am feeling depression. I am currently in college and have been doing well, getting good grades, always on time with work and even getting things done ahead of schedule. But I've noticed a lack of focus and concentration, easily getting distracted and my mind wondering else where. Some days I have felt agitated and irritable, my sleep has been fairly inconsistent and I haven't stayed asleep for more than a few hours some nights. Some days I feel down and miserable and alone. Its tough trying to understand myself, questioning if I'm truly depressed or if this is just from making changes with coming off my medicine and learning to not feed into thoughts so much. I guess I just have some confusion as to what my next step should be to better my mental health.

[Agora1]

Hi Jeeper19 I like that word "despite" your growing up with no family/friends support you kept going forward and are doing good in school. As for the Police Academy, who wouldn't have anxiety and panic as to what you were getting yourself into. You even got yourself off antidepressants. You're in college doing well but having some residual effect possibly from coming off the SSRIs.

You are very wise in learning about your thought patterns and how it effects the way you feel. I will tell you, the more you research and learn how anxiety works, the more ammunition you will have in accepting it as non-catastrophic and not getting caught up in it's cycle of fear. Be proud in how you are going through the beginning of your adult years.

I'm glad you are here with us where you will learn from other's experiences. We are all on this journey together. And as there is strength in number, we will get through this. Welcome new friend xx

[Jeeper19 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for the support! it really helps me out. Hearing others understand and give me advice is good for me. Its tough feeling alone in a home full of people who love you, most of the time they don't reach out and really ask me how I'm doing so I get stuck in the "do they care" thinking and it only makes it worse. Growing up I've never asked for help, I literally did a lot of things on my own not because I wanted to but because I felt like I had to. Like no body would understand me. So I've gotten into this negative pattern of thinking where if I'm having a bad day and if the people I am close to don't ask me what's wrong then I automatically assume they just don't care. I have a hard time speaking up for myself.

[Hidden]

U are such a wise young man. Many of us did not even know about depression when we had it and did not know how to fight it. We did not even know what it does to us thus taking control over our lives. U on the other hand are willing to learn all that, that is admirable my friend. Keep learning about it and it's limitations, that will help you set realistic goals without being hindered by it in the future. I am happy u are not letting this demon called depression do as it wants in ur life, u are taking meds and all. Surely u are wise my friend. We are here for help and support when we can.

[Jeeper19 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the admiration, it is not easy trying to figure yourself out. Sometimes its 3 steps forward 2 steps back. But somehow I keep trying to push forward. I've thought about going back onto my meds but know that its not an instant relief so i could still feel like I'm struggling for a few weeks until my body is used to them. And in the long run of my life I would like to not be so reliant on them. I would like to live my life without the fears and side effects I had when I was taking them.

[Hidden in reply to Jeeper19]

I get u, I am not on any myself I just try to force positivity which is extremely hard when things are bad but there is also breathing exercises as well. But ur body will tell you what and when it needs something. Sometimes we people forget that the body always talk and we ignore. I trust you tho, u seem like a wise young man. Hope for the best