dumb

[magicly_rose]

you know what's dumb? when i actually start feeling happy my head goes "stop. you don't deserve this. stop feeling happy."

[langedechu]

this post is similar to one i just responded to, but you should start telling yourself that you deserve it, because truly, you do. self-affirmation can change a lot even when you don't really believe it. it's like that saying, "fake it till you make it". you DO deserve to feel loved and happy and you just have to realize that yourself. love, lange

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

thanks love. means a lot. idk, self affirmation isn't really something i do often. i barely know how to do it. i guess i've just gotten so used to putting myself down that saying anything nice to myself feels weird.

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

okay. like i totally get that. it will feel really weird. but even if you feel like you're lying to yourself you have to take a different perspective and try to believe in yourself. if your mind is like "oh, you can't be confident, you don't deserve happiness" or whatever, be like, STFU thoughts! you can't control me, and you're WRONG! eventually things might just start to change.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

hopefully. i guess school's also gotten tougher because of my lack of positive thoughts. i'm always telling myself that i'm not enough because i guess i feel that. which is weird because, sure my mom tells me that i'm enough but it feels like two completely different vibes coming from her

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

do you mean that your mom is telling you something but you feel like she's lying to you?

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

i don't exactly know? i don't feel that she's lying. i know she's being honest. but idk. like last night, we spoke a little bit of how i am (as i said in my long-ass post) but we ended up being mad at each other, so the genuine things that she says don't really hit me as genuine

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

this could be because your self-doubt is clouding your emotions. you may be telling yourself things that aren't true and then your brain believes them. this might have caused your mom to view it as slight irritation and she may have thought that you were bothered by her or something. of course i don't really know what happened. maybe she was just having a tough day as well. it sounds like your mom really cares for you and that's because you deserve it no matter what you believe.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

i mean, i was mad at her at the beginning. extremely. idk how to really explain the situation. it's just a lot.

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

why don't you try talking to her? maybe apologize for showing your anger towards her and tell her that you appreciate what she tells you. of course i don't know what happened between you two but i think talking it out might help.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

yeah, i kind of already did. i went into her bed last night and hugged her. idk tho lol. i still feel shitty

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

don't be hard on yourself. if she's not showing any negative feelings towards you then you're all good - it was just a blip in your day and hey, now it's tomorrow! it'll blow over just like that.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

i guess a lot of what makes me feel like shit is that i still kind of want to move in with my dad. i really don't know what to do with that

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

if you don't know now that's okay. but you shouldn't be making any decisions that you'll regret - think everything out first and evaluate what you really want. if it is to live with your dad, have a conversation with your mom about it and see how it goes.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

thing is, my mother would never agree. she's constantly said that she decided it's her job to raise me, not my father's. i've begged her to just let me move before, and it's just never happened

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

you're 16 right? is your father in your life at all? have you asked her why she thinks that, there may be a reason. and if all fails, you should try to spend as much time with your father as possible (if possible) even if it is virtually. then, when you turn 18, you should be able to plan to move out and maybe move in with your father or see him more often.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

yeah, he's in my life, he just lives away from me. not by choice, though. my mom brought me with her when she got married and moved to the states. I mean, technically where i used to be is a part of the US, but it's not a state. i didn't exactly have a choice when i moved? she kind of just chose for me. education's better where i am now i guess, but my problems started once i moved. i've wanted to move back pretty much since i settled here.

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

yeah, if your mom thinks that it's better for you to be with her then that's her opinion. I'm really sorry to hear that you're not satisfied with where you are now but being a teen can be really tough because you're treated like a child but expected to behave like an adult. my only thing to say to you now is to wait until you can move out by yourself but definitely continue talking to your father.

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

honestly i don't know if i can wait. these intense feelings of wanting to move have happened once before, and i'd decided to stay then. they're obviously back now so maybe choosing to stay before was a mistake. idk, man. this whole situation sucks

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

totally get that but unfortunately i don't think i can give you any more advice. I'm not a parent and won't be for a while so i don't know what your mom is thinking atm. i do agree tho that your situation sucks and I'm truly sorry. if you ever need me shoot me a message and we can chat but for now just take in what I've said. -lange

[magicly_rose in reply to langedechu]

thanks, means a lot <3

[langedechu in reply to magicly_rose]

anytime x

[Hidden in reply to magicly_rose]

This group is here for you no matter what your going through. Keeping a journal has helped me sift through my feelings and get them on paper. I like to go back and read what I’ve written is helpful. I’ve promised myself to stay with the writing to see if I can look back for understanding

[Hidden in reply to magicly_rose]

I wonder why your mom won’t let you try living with your dad for awhile? I would seek some advice from a counselor that you can get some clarity from someone on the outside

[Hidden in reply to magicly_rose]

Going through a divorce is really hard. I’ve been there and it has affected my life a lot. I don’t have anger anymore but I realize now that I’m olderI wish I’d sought out help sooner than I did. Wish you the best and don’t ever stop seeking help. I finally got help that has really worked for me.

[Hidden in reply to magicly_rose]

I would, in a calm way tell her “when you say that, I feel this”, so maybe she will start thinking before she speaks.

[Hidden in reply to magicly_rose]

I used to get mixed messages from my mom and it was confusing for me. I didn’t ask her why when she was still alive and now wish that I had.

[roni54]

No its not dumb. I do the same. I think sometimes if I feel happy , if i even know what that is, that something will come along and pull the rug out from under me. Other times i know i have done thing that hurt people i love which in turn only hurts me, but it is a self punishment for myself as well. when things are not right with my family i wallow in my misery. Although it makes no difference to them. they don't even know i don't think. i think it's a cry for help for those hurting to tell me they care about me. But I know they never will so I turn to self hatred and retreat in my sadness. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and i really get no comfort in knowing i am not alone in my sadness. I also know, if no one has ever experienced it, they have no idea how it feels or how to help. What's worse is i drag others down with me and i do not want to that either. But i think you opening up about is is a good step forward.