It’s me, or at least what’s left. Remember that little beating thing beating within your chest? Well, I’m still here wondering what’s next. Life’s made me skip a few beats and I know it can make you feel out of breath. But, I’m sure grateful you haven’t given up on me yet. This being said, I must admit, I do feel a disconnect...
I feel you growing more distant and cold. Each time I huddle close to you, to keep you warm, you retract and whisper, “your getting too close.” It almost feels like like we are constantly off beat. And I think it may be my fault...
I know I gave my all to you know who. And I know you warned me about it too. But I was young and didn’t realize the consequences would hurt like hell. And not just for me, but for you as well.
I’m sorry, and I understand your afraid to give me a second chance. But, your all I really have. We were made to work together, till death do us part. So, can we have a fresh new start?
I don’t want us to give up. I love it when we work together as a team. You know, when I make you blush and you say those stupid things? I miss feeling you smile when I smile too. It kinda saddens me when I don’t feel things with you.
Which is why I’m beating now; knocking at your conscious in the wee hours of the night. Telling you your worth it, and to not give up on your life.
I’m not going anywhere, I will always be here. So please, just know as long as I beat, a second chance is still near.
Sincerely,
Your heart, who always cares
Written by
Rudolph26
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10 Replies
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Can I ask what happened in your childhood??
I've never had children because I was too afraid of letting them down and seeing them suffer because I'm not good enough to do any better.
What did your experience ?? You can hint or give a general idea of the subject if it's just too painful to give the details.
I never give details of the worst things I've gone through because they won't understand and it hurts me just as bad to talk about it.
Sure, I don’t mind saying actually. I mean, I don’t like talking about what’s happened in my past all the time. But I don’t mind telling people who I think it may help. I guess it’s my way of coping with it. If that makes sense.
When I was seven I was molested by my brother. And it was attempted a few more times when I got older but he didn’t succeed in being more then my peeping tom. Had I not gotten away the first time I likely would have been raped. So, I actually was lucky it wasn’t worse. In my teen years guys always gave me leering looks and flirted with me but never treated me like a person. To this day, i still am treated like that by most men but not all. I was lucky enough to meet some good men though and they gave me reason to hope.
I too am terrified to have kids. I’m scared of what may happen to them and often times wonder how I would react if my sons did something to my daughters or vise versa. I wonder if things like this are avoidable. I want to believe that it would never happen to my children. But my parents never thought it would happen with their kids either and were horrified when they found out years later. My parents are amazing people too. It wasn’t their fault, even though I know they blame themselves. I also had to learn to make peace with my brother and often feel conflicted about it. On one hbd I don’t hate him anymore but I don’t trust him either and likely never will. I eventually learned to forgive him, but have been told that I don’t need to and he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I often times wonder if people are right in thinking this. But then I wonder, what good would it do to hold it over his head? Sure, I don’t have to trust him again. But to never let it go and hold a grudge doesn’t do much but make me bitter as well. So, I don’t know... I feel forgiving him and forgiving the men who abused my trust in my adult life is more productive. I want to do things that will help me grow. I don’t hate my life, I just get depressed and get conflicted for various different reasons. I suck at relationship because I can’t be myself in a relationship because I’m terrified of being rejected. So, i act the way I think a perfect loving women should act. I don’t show my flaws, and flaunt my sexuality because I feel that is all I have to offer that will keep men wanting me. I know this isn’t true, but I often times revert to this pattern. So, lately I’ve avoided relationships because I’m trying to sort out how to maintain a healthier relationship.
Anyway, there is much more to my life but this is a clip.
You are the Only one to know that I was horrifically sexually abused when I was only 5 years old, including extreme violence. Only my Probation officer knows this, and wisely says absolutely nothing about it. But I never mentioned the extreme violence. I now know she did not mean to harm me that badly, she thought sex was a very bad thing and wanted to teach me that.
This really confused me because I knew she had sex with my father 5 times since she had 5 children. And if children are a good thing and wanted like she said then how can sex that makes children be a really bad thing deserving violence ? You see how Confused she made me ?
She also made me absolutely Hate myself because I have a dick. This gets really bad because I even have always hated girls and women because they are Sexual, and that's the worst thing on the face of the earth, I was taught and shown, and Believed Totally - Mom can't be wrong.
Like you there's a whole lot more to it than this. I asked you because that you totally avoided what actually happened means it must be really bad.
There is Nothing worse to a woman than to be violated in that way. Even Dr Phil says Sexual violation without your consent, agreement or understanding forever changes you as a person, obviously in a negative way.
I didn't think you would say anything at all. I was so suprised you responded so quickly and shared so many things.
I would have never said 2% of any of that if you hadn't said so much yourself.
So you now know basically 10 times more things than my Probation officer.
Good job. I now feel better that somebody on earth knows this and I don't feel bad about myself at all.
And I don't hate women at all anymore.
I also am a Virgin at 61 years old.
The D.P.O. does know that, and about my horrible Pornography addiction.
I'm old and don't care what people think about me anymore. I'm pretty happy despite all of these things.
I’m sorry you went through a similar situation man. Like you, I know how much it screws with you and trying to redefine moral lines that are so obvious to others can be difficult because our moral compass was screwed shortly after birth. So, I get the struggle and the side affects of it all. Including the porn addiction. I have the same and I hate myself for it, because I feel like things like that make me no better then him. but, I have learned to accept that this is where I’m at and still hope one day I can change my warped train of thought.
I’m glad you were able to understand the women who did this to you. Although, I’m not sure if it brought you any closure. But I do know it hs brought closure to some.
I remember I asked my brother why he did what he did to me. I asked when he attempted the second time. He said, because he just “needed a body to touch.” And I was the closest and easiest target. That screwed with me royally. Strangely enough, I was wounded by the fact that it wasn’t because he thought I was pretty or attractive. I was just a body, as if he were talking about a regular object, or a toy. So, for this reason I constantly wrestle with my mind because I thought all men see me this way, just a body that they need to touch, accessible, and easy to get. Weak enough to get, because I’m a women, and at the time, a little girl. Women are weak, girls are even weaker. At least, that’s what I believed. Strange how we were both being convinced to hate being our own gender isn’t it?
And your right, there is definitely more to the story. I’m sure there is more to a lot of stories on here. We give our half stories in attempts to be understood at least in part. Because despite the fact that we hate what is around us, we crave for something more. Whether it be answers or just the slightest bit of someone showing they get it. It’s strange how that brings comfort, isn’t it?
Anyway, thank you for sharing what you did in return to my response. To be honest, I didn’t really expect you too as well. But, when you asked so directly, I felt you deserved a real answers. I guess we are similar in this.
I’m glad your happy with your life btw. Like I said before, I too don’t hate my life. I struggle with depression but I don’t hate where I’m at. Maybe because I know I’ve at least grown some.
Anyway, thank you as well. Some of what you wrote helped me sort a few more things in my head as well.
P.s. I also don’t hate all men now. So, it seems we both are advancing despite our road blocks.
I get what you mean man. And I kinda feel the same way about it. And I definitely don’t blame you for not liking the people who did these things to you. I don’t really like my brother either, yet even saying that makes me almost feel like I should feel bad for saying it. It’s strange, I know. I don’t like him but I don’t hate him either... it’s a weird combination of emotions. That’s for sure.
Anyway, thanks again. Lol and it’s good to know I’m not doing so bad despite my age. So, thanks
This is a beautiful poem. I felt like it was written just for me. Thank you.
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