About a month ago my very sick grandpa died. About three weeks later a family friend I’ve known my whole life died in a boating accident. Another week later someone I knew since elementary school committed suicide. Yesterday, I went to check on my mom who had been sick and she was slurring her words and incoherent. Well turns out she found out five years ago that she’s diabetic and didn’t tell anyone. Not even my dad. We had no idea that we needed to be concerned about what was going on, just thought she had a bug until that morning when she got so much worse. By the time we got her to the hospital she was in severe keto acidosis. Her blood sugar was so high they don’t know how she didn’t go into a coma. Who knows what would have happened if we had waited even just a little bit longer.
I just do not understand why she hid it from everyone. It makes no sense. Maybe she was embarrassed and I am trying to be understanding but I am just so freaking mad at her. She would have died if we waited another day. Likely would have been in a coma for who knows how long after even just a few more hours. When I went in to check on her the paleness, the heavy breathing, the distant stare, and the incoherent conversation was so similar to what I saw with my grandpa the last time I saw him just says before he died. I can’t get the imagery out of my head.
With all of the COVID stuff my dad is the only one who’s been able to go and see her. He said tomorrow I might be able to go on but I’m afraid. He said she’s been agitated as she gains awareness which I’m sure is due to embarrassment or internal anger or whatever she is feeling. I just don’t trust myself to be able to hold it together if she starts acting that way with me. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep her feelings in mind when I’m still so mad at her for being so irresponsible and almost leaving me without a mother. And for making me see her like that and arguing with me the entire time I tried to get her help. If we had known about the diabetes we would have never let it get this far and would have made her go days so when things weren’t that bad.
I can’t take much more of this stuff.
One thing that makes you smile
Just another one of those days
Can You Do At Least One Thing?
another anxiety attack
