*trigger warning* I’m not sure how much longer I can play this game.

[admirablesloth]

Merry Christmas everyone.

I feel like one difficulty most of us can relate to is just getting through the holidays, and I thought I’d be able to get through this one.

Tonight, was an emotional breakdown. Seeing my *now* fiancés family, seeing MY family.. I know it’s something I always vent I struggle with but today was probably one of the worst. I try to tell myself “you’re okay!!! You fit in just fine” yet I don’t believe it. Yet I hate being in my own skin. I hate being put on the spot, I hate making this failure of an effort to fit in. “Be yourself”, who knew a phrase could be so simple yet so difficult to accomplish. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and during the holidays I’m always reminded of the family I don’t have.

I swear, I’m so fucking grateful for what I do have (excuse my language). I swear I am. But I guess when your own father can’t even love you, when your own father manipulated you to think he loved you, taking advantage of you and making you STILL feel guilty for something he did, when blood doesn’t see any reason to stick around, it’s hard to believe you’re worth anything. It’s hard to figure out who you are, when your personality for years has relied on validation from others. Even being surrounded by a fiancée who loves me so damn much he cries with me, and begs me to tell him how he can help take the pain away. I can’t even take it away from myself.

The anxiety is so painful man, how can I be a fiancée, I can’t even be a normal human being who enjoys this type of experience. My fiancée swears we can get through it, he has more hope for me than I do and that hurts me even more because he’d do anything to see me okay living life happy with him and at this rate I’m not sure if I’m ever going to have that. I’m not sure I can give him that, because I don’t even know how I’m going to get through this life.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

You’ll find a way. It’s step by step. Don’t carry your fathers baggage. You can move on and find out who you are. Don’t question things; just do. Many of us do this and win.

[admirablesloth in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

you’re absolutely right, I need to just keep my head up. thanks for the advice and reply 💕

[Hope4me1]

Yes, we all get caught up in the hurt and despair at times. These things can trigger anxiety. It’s normal to sometimes feel this way. Don’t despair; I have been there and have risen above it and have felt joy in my life again. There is always hope. Believe in yourself and accept that you might feel anxious sometimes, but it will pass. Concentrate on the things you are thankful for and try to be positive in your thoughts. Talk about your feelings and know you will be ok.

[admirablesloth in reply to Hope4me1]

that’s really nice to hear and gives me a lot of hope. Thank you 💕

[senorab12]

Focus on the amazing life that’s awaiting for you. Don’t give your father the joy of seeing you unhappy, it’s hard I know but you have someone that’s willing to help you fix every broken part of yourself you just have to let them do it and you can heal and be happy. You are worth a lot and your fiancé sees that, you are beautiful and strong and I know you will get through this.

[admirablesloth in reply to senorab12]

Thank you so much, those words were definitely needed. ❤️

[hypercat54]

Hi I was reading an article the other day about CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) and I wondering if you are suffering from that? This is when long term trauma from the past starts to poison your present and threaten your future. Even when you know you are now safe and loved this gets in the way.

The advice given is to seek out counselling from someone specialising in this. Does this ring a bell with you? x

[admirablesloth in reply to hypercat54]

That definitely sounds like something it might be, it’s hard for me to even seek out help but I think at this point I must if this is how I feel. Thanks for the advice though, even knowing there might be a name to the way I feel makes it feel a little easier coping with it

[Poodie]

I am so sorry you feel this way. I understand your feelings.

You have to realize that some parents are not capable of love. This is all about their inabilities and anyone would suffer from living and depending on them.

Please know that their lack does not mean you are worthless even tho you may feel that way. .

We can not help to whom we are born but we can grow to accept this and strive to find love elsewhere. Your fiancé sounds wonderful.

In time you will grow to know who you are but that will take time. Let yourself be brave and get from others now what you were never given from your parents.