Niceness: This is not the first... - Anxiety and Depre...

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NeuronerdDoaty profile image

This is not the first therapist to suggest that maybe I’m not meant to be nice. By nice we mean chatty and sociable and keeping my mouth shut when people are illogical. She stated not for the first time I am who God made me.

I have worked on not being brash and on tact and I still make people upset.

I work in an atmosphere that demands that. I was raised by a very logical father. I let others talk about solving problems by going around their elbows to get to their arse. I don’t have time for that. The straightest distance between two points is a straight line.

I have no anxiety about it but later I deal with being depressed I once again hurt feelings and stepped on toes with perfectly acceptable people.

I don’t think this therapist is helping me much.

18 Replies

‘Nice’ is such a rubbish word and so open to interpretation!

I’ve never really spoken to you before but I’ve seen how you’ve supported others on this forum - you are ‘nice’

Although I know what you mean, I do think perhaps you should refer to it in a different way. It feels very harsh and unfair to be referring to yourself as ‘not nice’

I get quite overwhelmed in a lot of situations so wouldn’t refer to myself as ‘chatty’ but that aside, for many, many years I was SO ‘nice’ - I was somewhere between Snow White and Mary Poppins 🤣 Ultimately, it wasn’t a good thing for lots of reasons.

In more recent years, I have become less of a goody two shoes and will speak my mind more. It’s a much better way to be. We don’t have to be perfect; we are who we are both for the positive and negative.

If your therapist isn’t working for you, there is no harm in changing therapist. Sometimes people aren’t a good match for us.

Yeah I don’t think I’ll ever make the Snow White category. Great way to put it. I’m not sure she likes me but she’s a professional that’s not for her to decide.

I’m struggling with moving on because she’s doing my EMDR as well. Long process but helpful.

Maybe I’ll just do the EMDR therapy with her. ????

Thank you

I find you to be very nice and supportive to many members I do not think that you are “not nice.” Maybe you’re just a no nonsense person. There isn’t anything wrong with that. I’d rather know where I stand with someone than to have them be fake nice to me. As for your therapist maybe you should consider getting a different one. I know in the scheme of things you don’t have to be pals with one another, however; it would be nice to like each other a little. 🙂

I think you’re right. I’m not sure insurance will pay for switching while I’m doing EMDR but I could stop the office visits.

Thank you!

You’re such a positive and supportive person. I don’t understand why people would be offended by your personality. Not all personalities mesh well though. We all have personality types we get along with and personality types we don’t. It seems to me like you are being very hard on yourself.

What an interesting question, is the goal to be nice?

I don’t know you, I like your posts,u have perspective your words are insightful. For all I know you may be a real bitch to most people. I doubt that. I’m not sure my desired quality for a good friend these days is “nice”.

I think nice usually interprets as, doing things other people want you to do, following along the norm. I would rather be known as kind, and kind can sometimes be anything but nice.

Now this whole therapist thing. Over the last 30 years I have seen a lot of them, more than seen a lot of them, been friends with some, done group change work with them, and I’m not so sure that any of them really make lasting change in most people. Not sure the smartest and best minds of our world go into therapy. (Wow... that is harsh)

I think a session with a bad one or a good one has meaning if it inspires me to think about how I can start a change, that’s the benefit. I’ve tended to look my whole life for therapists to help me uncover large unrecognized truths about myself, or give me a skill to cope better. Maybe they have done this....(I don’t think so) I haven’t know many people that really ever get out of going to therapy, they keep working on the same stuff, time and again. I find they start to depend on the therapy. (Ok “I” depended on ....)

Change is hard, and we either want it or not. New patterns are hard, losing weight is hard, not getting angry, realizing my actions have consequences, being disciplined about meditation, recognizing I hurt someone with unintended actions, or not procrastinating, or realizing others kindness, or ......

Anyway. Thanks for your post. Say hello to your bulldog. Bet she thinks your nice.

Thank you. I hope I’m kind. I go to therapists for particular types of therapy or to talk out loud about a certain issue. I have friends who are therapists. Cognitive behavioral therapy was great. That was ages ago after brain surgery and necessary before they would let me back to work.

I think it’s time to stop seeing her except for the EMDR. I’m working on some things with c-ptsd from being a healthcare worker.

I’d rather talk here. I do think I am kind.

Neither do I

He’s Not, I’m that kind of person Chatty Cathy. My cellphone had broken my brother made a comment that “she’ll stop talking finally “? Your doctor should have helped with finding a solution instead of judging you? We mean well, it just comes out wrong 😏. Change councilors ASAP. I’ve changed several times. Happy Holidays 🌲

My problem is ..the things I say sometimes offend people...that is not my intention....I think it must sound different or the words sound harsh to others and I mean them to be straight forward. I am always surprised when someone gets upset by what I say. This includes family too. I think people want to hear what they think repeated back to them, and I think what's the point of that. Choosing the right words doesn't seem to be the issue as much as the whole thought. I feel a disconnect. Do you relate to any of this ?

I expect my therapist to support me and to help me know myself and my own behaviors. I don't expect her to change me into someone else. I have had this experience and changed therapist right away.. What would happened if you brought this up during a session ? Pam

Yes. It sounds very similar.

Hmmmmm interesting I think she has a point. You are who you are, god I’d love a slice of that! I’m the opposite at work eg go along with what people say even though I don’t agree, never speak my mind, sometimes question if I have one (until once a month it rises from my gut and vomits onto the world! But that’s another story!!) personally I think the world needs people who cut to the chase im so very grateful for them as there are times where they say what I dare not say! They may hurt my feelings at times but if it was left to the rest of us it would be so much worse!! Xxx

People sometimes mistake directness, and candor as being rude somehow. There are many people who are “different” in this life and there’s nothing WRONG with that. Those that know you well know that’s just “you”. You can’t make yourself into someone else but you can try to be mindful of how others could perceive what you’re saying. To me, you sound like you’re extremely intelligent and that can come across as cold. If you put yourself in “their” shoes maybe you’ll see why they react the way they do. We ALL have our issues to work on, God knows. Good luck and take it a bit easier on yourself. If what you’re saying comes from a loving place, you’re alright. You can always preface something with “I don’t want you to take this wrong, but............”

NICE is a relative word similar to NORMAL. It's different for everyone. You seem very nice.

Myself, i have gotten to a point in my life, that i just don't care if others think I'm 'nice', i know who i am BUT, most importantly, i am who God made me to be and it took a LONG time to realize it's ok to be ME. That said, i do have depression and anxiety with ptsd sprinkled on for good flavoring. LOL.

I don't think you need therapy to be nice, and i think your counselor is trying to say the same thing. BE YOU. what's the worst thing that can happen? Someone doesn't like you? Their loss!

It's Christmas time. Give yourself the gift of being YOU. God made you and if you are not YOU, no one else can be. We are all unique in some way and not meant to meld with everyone. People have always gotten offended by my bluntness and logic. Even when i have actively tried to not be offensive, some people are still offended. Usually i don't even realize what I've said to be offensive. Apparently THE TRUTH is offensive to a lot of people and i really don't understand that.

It sounds, to me, like you face that same issue. There's nothing wrong with logic and truth. Some of us prefer that.

You sound wonderful, embrace who you were meant to be. It's not an easy thing but it's worth it. The world needs You to just be YOU.

I have the opposite problem. Im overly concerned with what people think. Im also a retired nurse of 40+ yr so I can say things that people dont want to hear but not my comfort zone. I think there is a happy medium in between people with our personalities. Maybe instead of asking what is nice, maybe filter our comments that might upset others by asking is it necessary? Is it helpful? Sometimes it is ok to just listen.

NeuronerdDoaty profile image
NeuronerdDoaty in reply to

Filters. Sometimes I think it’s filters. This is why I question myself.

in reply to NeuronerdDoaty

Yeah it’s hard to b objective. I think we are like a box of crayons. We arent all soft pastels, we need our bold primary colors... we just try and stay between the lines😉😇

NeuronerdDoaty profile image
NeuronerdDoaty in reply to

Well said Hoski☺️

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