I know

I know I’m going to take my life at some point just not tonight.....

[fauxartist]

what's going on in your life.... can you talk to us.... we are good listeners....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

To be honest. It never matters what’s going on in my life. Good or bad my underlying feeling is I do not want to be here. Why can’t I have that? Everyone says you’ll hurt the ones you leave behind but I hurt daily.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

This is of course your choice, as many who feel this way feel they don't have one. Or feel there is no way out of feeling this way and see no hope. And I am very sorry you are hurting like this. You do put in play a ripple effect that you would never know about as your pain is gone, but the pain never goes away for those we leave behind.... I hope you don't mind .... but I would like to post a video just for some food for thought:

youtube.com/watch?v=wYrLa3S...(Not working as expected?)

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Been distancing myself from people over the last year. Haven’t spoken to my parents and sister in over a year. I thought I was doing this to keep my peace but I feel now the subconsciously I’ve been preparing them for me not being here

[Stilltrying_]

That's good that you are not going to do it right now.

Is it worth you trying the medical majurana again as you say that helped take away these feelings? Surely that is better than constantly wanting to kill yourself? x

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

I’ve now been “medicating” the last couple of days. It gets me through the day but I can’t live happy being dependent on anything or anyone. It’s a mask...... when It wears off the normal not wanting to be here me is still here.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Excuse me for stating the obvious, but it is not "normal" not to want to be here. There is clearly an imbalance and that imbalance needs to be corrected by the correct medication... and then you will not feel that way..... unless you want to??? ......

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Guess I want to know why there is an imbalance rather than filling the imbalance with a man made drug. If there is God why do we rely so much on man’s help to solve our problems. Why can’t God express to me what’s missing and why? The only help can’t be man’s drugs........ can it?

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

It's up to you what you believe but that could be stopping you getting the help you need. Some illnesses do require "man made " (if you want to put it that way) medication in order to keep the illness under control. For example I have a friend who is Filipino and bi-polar. She is living in the UK and so has access to medication which keeps her stable. Her relatives on the other hand in the Filipines who cannot afford medication ( as you have to pay over there regardless of how poor you are) have suffered and died in two cases as a result of their illness. (there is a genetic element to bi-polar and some other mental illnesses including some forms depression and schizophrenia although socio elements can also or solely contribute in many cases ) With the medication my friend is on (respiridone in her case but all cases are different) it takes out the "low " of the "lows". I am not suggesting that you are bi-polar or should go ahead and try this drug as we are not medics and would never diagnose on here. But if you are suffering from a mental illness which makes you feel suicidal ,personally I would at least explore the drug route .

I don't believe in God so that probably helps me but if there is a God it is obvious he didn't make everything perfect right? So we need to find things to help ourselves, including meds. Sorry for any offence to Christians out there. I don't mean it in that way. I am just concerned about you and want you to get appropriate help for your illness. . Gemmalouise

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Completely understand and appreciate the guidance. I’m trying

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Guess I want to know why there is an imbalance rather than filling the imbalance with a man made drug. If there is God why do we rely so much on man’s help to solve our problems. Why can’t God express to me what’s missing and why? The only help can’t be man’s drugs........ can it?

[AZ1970 in reply to Hidden]

I will share my opinion based on my faith. God created us with free will. We all have the impact of sin in the world. Whether it was our sin or another’s. Just like a diabetic needs insulin, some of us need medication. Even if you knew why or what you need, the answer from God could be to take meds. You brain doesn’t make enough neurotransmitters. Just like a pancreas doesn’t make enough insulin. Perhaps waiting for an answer isn’t the “answer “. Perhaps you have the answer given through people who understand and care ? Please get help for these feelings. You are valuable.