679 days ago, I sat with my father in the ER at the Phoenix VA, trying to understand his escalating, unrelenting back pain. Five hours later, we walked out with a diagnosis that shook our world—stage 4 prostate cancer.
My father faced each day without worrying about tomorrow. He wasn’t one to dwell on what-ifs or future treatments, often getting frustrated with me for asking about the next steps. When people asked how he was doing, he’d say, “If I didn’t know I had cancer, I wouldn’t know I had cancer.”
This past February, we moved him into assisted living. Remarkably, he lived more fully in those six months than he had in years. For a man who had fought against the idea of moving, he quickly made friends and cherished every moment.
My dad was a proud corpsman in the Coast Guard, flying search and rescue missions. He met my mother during the Cuban Missile Crisis on a naval base where he received medical training, and she was a surgical scrub nurse. They fell in love quickly and were married three months later. He loved the Red Sox, his children, his grandchildren, Doo Wop, musicals, and of course, his Winstons. An amazing businessman, a great storyteller, a foodie, and always willing to share his knowledge or advice, my father left a mark on everyone he met.
On Sept 3, after an incredible fight with advanced prostate cancer, my dad left this world. My sisters, brother, and I were able to provide him with love, care, and comfort in his final days. Helping a parent age and leave this world is one of the greatest gifts a child can give. I will miss my dad deeply.
I can't thank the members of this group enough. Your thoughts, guidance, and kindness have helped me to ask the right questions.
I have mentioned this in past posts. My father was stoic--rarely talking about his cancer with us even when I tried to have multiple conversations. The only marching order I had was he did not want to be bed-bound. My sister and I second-guessed ourselves the last six weeks. We called in hospice, we increased pain meds, and we gave instructions based on behaviors my dad was displaying. Please talk to your loved ones about your wishes and your disease.
We requested hospice 5 1/2 weeks before my father passed away and they did a great job. Six days before my father passed away he finally started talking about his disease with the social worker. The next day the hospice doctor saw my dad and he asked: "What is my prognosis?" He had never asked this. She told him approximately four weeks, which my sister and I were shocked by as we didn't think he had more than a few days. He was shocked because he never realized he would die. In the end, it came very quickly, and they helped to keep the pain away. I have another friend who has a father with advanced cancer and he passed overnight in the hospital on comfort care. My rule for my father was no hospital and to give him love for all the days we had left.
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lgutman
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Sorry to hear this. I appreciate you taking care of your father and easing his situation. I did the same for mine recently as well. I hope you can find some peace from his passing and realize that your love surely made a difference to him. Take care of yourself.
May your Father's memory be for a blessing and a comfort.
I just read about your Father's PCa history and that you had taken him to the ER because of back pain. And a few hours later everything had changed. So much to say.
He was very lucky to have you helping him. He sounds like a great guy to know (I love stories!) and what better legacy than he left a mark on everyone he met.
So sorry to hear. thanks for sharing the memories. I lost my father for two years ago and I am living with his memories everyday. some wounds never show on the body but are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. God bless.
What a wonderful tribute to your Dad❤️ and what amazing love and compassion by you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sendings hugs to you all.
I grieve with you. May the love you shared with your Father and family bring you peace and healing. He was a special man, and you were there for him when he needed you.
What a lovely tribute to your father. I am so glad he had you and the rest of your loving family on his journey. It sounds like he did things his way with your help. I'm wishing for a similar journey for my own husband down the road. Wishing you peace and the comfort of good memories.
thank you for writing and telling us about your father. he sounds like a great guy. you were lucky to have him and he was lucky to have you. thanks also for the insights and advice. you are a credit to him. please accept my deepest sympathy.
Thanks for sharing his veteran experiences, as I a fellow veteran I truly appreciate it and his service to our Country. I am sorry for your loss and my deepest condolences to your family, I pray for your family’s peace and comfort.
I DO understand your loss, and hope that you know that your father will never be "gone" from you. He lives IN you. I lost my father a year ago August 17th after a 17 year HARD battle with prostate cancer to a man that never wanted to stop living life to the fullest.
He did. Until the last 7 days of his life when he made peace, and left this world, and hundreds of people that will always remember his drive, his passion and his life.
Including my mom who was with him for 71 years. She turned 87 the day after he passed.
Sending love to you and your family, and may all of your memories be the sweet ones.
Sorry to hear about your Dad. He was a true warrior fighting this beast for 17 years. Im on 11 years and going strong! He was very lucky to have the both of you and family around him and to carry on his memories. I hope your mom is doing ok.
So very sorry for your loss. Your Dad was very lucky to have such support from you and your family throughout his journey and respecting his wishes. God Bless.
Thank you for taking the time to share your dad's and your story with us. Especially at this challenging time for you and your family. May you find peace
What a wonderful tribute to a fallen warrior and beautiful story of your mom and dad’s meeting! It reminds me of the Korean series Descendents of the Sun where a special forces captain falls for a beautiful doctor in a chance meeting.
What a beautiful expression of love, and perfect explanation of a man’s life, thank you! Please take gentle care of yourself now, and wrap yourself in his memories and the love we know he held for you.
Your dad was a special man. I have the highest respect for people in SAR. they put others before themselves and get into some tight positions sometimes. Meeting your mom and falling in love so quickly means they were meant for each other. He sounds like he was a very strong man. Sorry for your loss.
We are so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your Dad’s story about his remarkable journey. He was a very lucky to have such a loving daughter like you and all the support from your family. May your fond memories of your Dad bring you peace and comfort.
The speed of his passing is much better than the alternative. I would guess that his primary care doctor didn't do a regular PSA and digital test with your dad and that's why it wasn't caught sooner. How old was he when he was finally diagnosed?
I hope you have good memories of your time together and you will be able to smile again soon. I am sure your dad would want that for you. Take Care.
so sorry for your loss, but what a fortunate man to have such loving, kind children to ease him on to the next world. You can feel good about your role in his story.
Your parting words are so beautiful, especially, "Helping a parent age and leave this world is one of the greatest gifts a child can give. I will miss my dad deeply." I think it says so much, maybe all. Thank you!
peace to you and family... I firmly believe our soul (consciousness) is just briefly passing through this earthly experience and will continue to endure forever. Feel free to pm me.
It's interesting how often I read that back pain is the first major symptom where people seek medical help and receive a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
This is something that I didn't know before it happened to my husband. I'll never forget the day where the ultrasound imaging came back and what he thought was just age related back pain turned out to be stage 4 pancreatic cancer - a death sentence.
Since this day, I have read many times that people like your dad seek medical care for back pain and then are told they have stage 4 cancer.
It really sucks that many cancers are stealthy and don't cause issues until its way too late and they affect nerves or bones causing back pain, something that people take for granted as "normal" when they grow older.
Thank you for sharing your father’s story and your own experiences. Your family’s care for your father during his final days—providing love, comfort, and support—is a testament to the bonds that tie families together. The gift of being there for a parent as they age and transition from this world is immeasurable. It’s a privilege to offer that love and companionship during such a vulnerable time.
May his memory continue to inspire you, and may you find solace in the love you shared.
I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. He is a great man for serving inthe CG and saving lives. From the sounds of his stay at assisted living he loved meeting new friends and thrived on that. Im sure he touched a lot of people in his life. RIP fellow warrior.
Thank you so much for posting such an amazing story of your Dads journey. He was a very lucky man to have had such a loving and caring family by his side and to be with him every step along the way. It's never easy to lose a loved one, but your post, I can assure you has helped many. Thank you for sharing, and condolences to you and your family
my deepest heartfelt condolences for the passing of your father …he sounds like an interesting great guy …surrounded with family love. A big ehug out to you .
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Passed on. 
Update on my Dad
