Grief and Loss

[Kestrel5]

Not a question, but some thoughts on grief and loss collected by kestrel5 (focused on the loss of a spouse or partner, but there is application to other losses and hard times). 

After I received my diagnosis, I began paying attention to what people wrote and said about grief and loss. I wanted to know what I might do to help prepare my wife in the event that – in the words of the insurance folks – I would predecease her. Many of us will need support ourselves or will want to support friends and loved ones who suffer a loss (potentially, our loss). Here are bits and pieces I have picked up from reading and listening and from learning from friends. I do not presume to be an expert or that these are the only things that are important. 

Pain. Searing, unbearable pain (a phrase that grief and loss expert, Megan Devine, uses). This is what we often think of as grief. It shows itself most strongly right after a loss. The pain tends to soften over time, show itself less frequently over time and become something held more privately over time. The pain doesn’t go away, and the griever is not “recovered” just because others don’t see their grief anymore. 

Loneliness. Coming home to an empty house. Not having someone ask, “How was your day?”, every day. Being without a supportive person or a group of supportive people to be there, give their love and share parts of life. This is especially hard when kids are grown up and gone and friends and family members are busy in their own lives. 

Being without. Not just being lonely but being without - without that one particular someone a life was shared with. This means being without the one you planned vacations with, without the one you picked out paint colors with, without the one with whom you had conversations about finances, and without the one with whom you decided which one was going to stay with a sick child or who was going to leave work to meet a repair technician at home. And it means being without the one you loved to the ends of the earth and faced life’s joys, challenges and hells with. 

Be careful of what you say to a grieving person. A friend wrote [slightly adapted], “I heard, "I know how you feel." No, you don't. "I get your loneliness; I'm divorced." Divorce is NOT death. "I put my cat down yesterday, so I am blue like you." Eff off. People may mean well, but it is amazing how inept many people can be.” Think before you speak! 

People no longer relate to the one who died. Friends and loved ones may be afraid to talk about the person who died, but “if nobody remembers them out loud, it’s like they died twice.” (adapted from Richard Wenk). A friend expressed this idea a little differently. She said it’s as if the husband she lost disappeared because no one talks about him. People might think they’re sparing feelings by not talking about the one who died. They’re not. 

Time heals all wounds. Maybe, maybe not. There are an inner strength and a protective veneer that come from the love that was shared and from the memories that were built together. That strength and veneer can help sustain one over time. But life goes on and the trials of someone’s life may use up their inner strength and wear down their protective veneer. Be sensitive to needs over time. 

You or your friend or loved one might say, “I’m fine.” “It’s ok to say, "I'm fine, thanks" even when you are not in any way fine. In some ways, doing so is a kindness to yourself: sometimes you just don’t want to go there – maybe it’s the wrong time, wrong place, wrong person.” (Megan Devine)  So be careful: If you are told by a friend or loved one that they are fine, you may believe it and never ask again. So, ask a loved one who suffered a loss, “How are you today?” and ask again and again.

If you are the one who is going through one of life’s hells and are asked, “How are you?”, begin your response with, “Today, I’m …” 

If you want to be a support in someone’s grief. Remember that someone who suffers a close, personal loss “does not move on from grief; they move forward with it.” (Nora McInerny).  

“Most of us are great in the beginning stages of loss:“

Step 1: Write a card“

Step 2: Attend the funeral“

Step 3: Drop off a hot dish (Midwest-speak for casserole) 

“But grief is a chronic condition, and the people we care about need support in the long-term. And when you’re afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, it’s easier to do ... nothing.” (Nora McInerny)

 For grief, loss and other hard times. “Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend or loved one’s life without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.” (Megan Devine)

 “Showing up for one another with authenticity and vulnerability and sticking together through life’s hard times is what bonds us the deepest to each other.” (Kelsey Crowe & Emily McDowell)

 A few of the many available resources related to grief and loss: 

Nora McInerny’s TED Talk: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it: youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-...(Not working as expected?)  

How to help, from Refuge in Grief: youtu.be/l2zLCCRT-nE(Not working as expected?)  

Speaking Grief documentary: vimeo.com/436440057?ref=em-...  

Megan Devine’s book: It’s OK That You’re Not OK  

Dr. Kelsey Crowe & Emily McDowell’s book: There Is No Good Card For This

[mrscruffy]

I have had lengthy conversations with my wife about this. She helped me take care of my father and mother when they both died from cancer, she knows what is coming and I gave her an out but she declined it. We are having a couple female friends of ours move in for a couple months so they can grieve together.

[K-xo]

The love & concern you have for your wife’s well being, moved me.  As a PCa wife, I couldn’t bring myself to read past the first two paragraphs. That said, thank you for looking out for the ladies.  I’ve saved this post, but I can only hope I never have to finish reading it.

Best 

[inHishand]

You are wise to have considered the grief your spouse and you will encounter…often it appears before loss as depression. My husband began a ‘Gratitude Journal’ when it hit him; and he was not into journaling. A young man at our gym was a cancer survivor from his teen years and suggested it. It has been said that you can live well if you have considered how to die well. My husband, a Christian, planned the latter in ways I continue to discover…e.g., it was a month before he was even diagnosed that he pre-paid his funeral expenses. Premonition? Who knows…he lasted almost 5 yrs., went thru a gamut of treatments, and experienced some major miracles along the way totally unrelated to his disease. We had lots of conversations about life together vs life alone. They were not comfortable ever, but he wanted to reassure me, encourage and comfort me in advance. I highly recommend Griefshare which I began a year after his passing when I was ‘stuck’ in my grief. It is faith based and helps people move forward in grief, whether it is loss of spouse, child, parent, friend, and whatever the reason: disease, accident, murder, suicide. They leave no stone unturned, including how to deal with insensitive comments. We all leave this world at our appointed time and all of us leave someone behind who grieves. Meanwhile, 🙏 for you and your wife in your fight against this disease.

[ARIES29]

My own experience with grief was when my wife of 23 years passed away from breast cancer. I asked my GP how long does this grief last? two years was the reply.

It took me five years but we are all different & I think counselling would have helped. We never forget that feeling of loneliness & life's lesson is to move on with it.

[Shamrock46]

I think most of us wives/caregivers start dealing with grief early on with what has come to be known as anticipatory grieving. It comes from living without sex, touch, meaningful conversations, getting out of the house and having to take on caring for our men as well as our households (inside and out). We dread the scheduled tests, doctor visits, treatments and accumulative SEs....not because they're inconvenient but because we see our loved ones suffering and declining...knowing there's very little we can really do. It's a hard disease to deal with because it's constantly changing and we live with it "waiting for the other shoe to drop." It's nice to see that you're already trying to anticipate something to help your wife but please know that while you have the capacity, say something nice to her every day and keep the sense of touch, no matter how small, a constant in your lives!

[Tonwantonga in reply to Shamrock46]

There is no good place to mention this, but what you have said goes along with the way i feel about ADT (and the treatments that follow, i suppose): 'treating advanced PCa allows the family to miss you while you are still there'. i know my wife misses sex (not as much as i do, but she admits she misses it), misses the touches, the shared showers, the suggestive talk, the innuendo, misses the man she married that didnt worry about what she will do when he's gone, misses the guy that didnt cry almost every day, misses the guy that didnt have 8 bottles of pills on his desk. she misses that guy who could put in a full weekend of work around the house, the guy who didnt need a nap, the guy who made jokes almost every day (even when she didnt find them funny). she misses having her husband who had vacation days to either go on trips or to take off to work on a project (those days are used for doctor visits now) . the kids miss the dad that made them laugh, the guy who could take them camping most of the weekend and still had the energy to put the camping gear away when they got home, the guy who had a little money for ice cream now and then (instead of medical bills). they really miss the guy who wasn't sad all the time. the even miss the lame corny dad jokes.

I really miss that guy too.

[Shamrock46 in reply to Tonwantonga]

Exactly! But in the end I think of all that like the saying "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!" My husband is dealing with his 2nd recurrence and has stopped all treatment due to worsening SEs and cardiac problems. My focus is now on all the wonderful memories we've made together as well as with our own family! Faith, love and family support are what will see us through and I hope those will help sustain you and your family as well!

[Hidden]

Thank you for your sensitive and informative post, I read every word. My hubs and I have had and continue to have the tough talks. He is ever practical and has done his best to prepare me for life without him by showing me how to do minor repairs and the use of power tools. He’s raised me to think for myself and not follow the crowd, instilled confidence, and to be proud of who and what I am. BUT…….I know all that will not really prepare me for being without him.

[j-o-h-n]

I told my wife to get a new butt from laughing her ass off and when she re-marries not to let the guy spend my 401k account.....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 06/14/2023 7:21 PM DST