May 2020 bless us with courage, hope and health

[betterlivingbeing]

Today marks six months of my husband of 41 years passing, 10 months of my mom’s passing and a span of 9 months to 18 days of 31 deaths of loved ones, including 4 first cousins.

My husband and I had so many plans: to retire and travel and share our story, how forgiveness, unconditional love and benevolent acts have saved our marriage of 41 years.

I don’t know which is worse, to loose a loved one suddenly or to watch a loved one daily die to cancer. I once said: “God I am not a hostile person, but if I had a gun and cancer had a face I would shoot cancer between its eyes.”

I am carrying the burden alone , with God’s help. Two progressive adult professionals, (our son and daughter) who can’t seem to get over this devastation, called the death of a loved one.

If it weren’t for faith, Prayers, God’s words and nature, I would be crazy or on a substance to drown and numb this pain. I hesitate to come home after work, I dread the weekends and Oh God the holidays!!!! He turned 60 on the 26th Nov, 2019, his birthday often fell on Thanksgiving and he loved the Christmas celebrations. He loved life and filled our home with energy.

I am so perplexed about my future, decisions regarding the house, where do I move to live? How much longer should I work? I have found my passion in life, which he supported. I have a job I love, great co-workers and friends. In my opinion, no one can truly understand this loss except they have been through it.

I feel like I am barely showing up for life daily. Some days are better than others. My energy is shot most days and I know it’s the emotional pain.

I am doing my best to take care of my health. I pray, meditate on God’s Words, I walk, get out in nature, eating healthy ( most days) do saunas, massages... but they all seem like band-aids to this festering wound.

To all of you going through this ache, this wrenching of your soul, this tail spin of your mind, please don’t quit on life. Don’t die in your winter, I believe our spring will come again. How do I know this? 23 years ago when I lost my dad, I slumped into a deep, dark depression (that my then 9 years old daughter was fearful I would never overcome ). I asked God to please take my life. Today I can’t say it’s a forgotten event, but the memories of my father is lot bearable. I think of the great lessons and memories we created as father and daughter.

My wonder is can this happen in regards to the loss of my husband? Only time will tell.

[Dachshundlove]

Feel

All the feelings. We survive things we believe we can’t— and there is no way around the pain, it’s there to be processed.

Only

Time softens this devastating loss you are living with.

I can’t imagine the empty house and I would want to avoid that too. I’m

Glad to hear that you have a job that you enjoy. That can be a bright spot.

You are in my prayers. May you find peace with the things that cannot be changed.

[betterlivingbeing in reply to Dachshundlove]

Thank you so much for those kinds thoughts.

[LearnAll]

Thanks for sharing. Praying to God to give you strenghth ...and ability to heal from losses.

[betterlivingbeing in reply to LearnAll]

Thank you ever so much.

[Hex40]

As I read your story I think of my wife of 34 years as my battle is coming to an end. I’ve tried to prepare her to maintain the house, cars, finances etc but nothing for the emotional toll my death will bring. It’s something I need to think about. May God heal your heart and give you strength to get through this difficult time.

[betterlivingbeing in reply to Hex40]

Please take lots of pics, videos and write her notes, cards etc. they can be very helpful during grief.

[timotur]

Beautifully written post...! It’s so hard to lose loved ones, I know from losing my Mom and Dad. It sounds like you have a good outlook and nice family around you, so try to live life to the fullest in the present, and not too far back or too far forward.

[betterlivingbeing in reply to timotur]

Words of wisdom, love that👆🏽.

[Collarpurple]

I hope you can stand back and not worry about all Decisions you think you need to make

You know the Deep Dark hole that you went in when your dad died and with strength you pulled yourself out I to believe that you will pull yourself out again I haven’t lost a husband but I did lose parents 6 days apartAnd I know how easy it is to almost want to stay in that hole I already know that if something happens to my husband I will go in that hole again and I will hopefully have the nerve strength to pull myself out again You definitely had a double whammy mother and husband but as a mother this will help you to get out of that holeAnd your faith will pull you out too🙏❤️

[betterlivingbeing in reply to Collarpurple]

Wow that’s a lot, puts my loss into perspective... 6 days apart. So so sorry for your loss also.

[tallguy2]

May God be with you and strengthen you at this time. Grief has no timeline, no boundaries. Thank you for your encouraging words. You made a difference today.

[betterlivingbeing in reply to tallguy2]

Awww thank you much., and happy to be of some encouragement.

[j-o-h-n]

You know what? Keep looking at that lovely picture of two good looking people and remember those days of being young and having fun. We all must go... and in a way it cures us of all the pain and anxiety we felt every day fighting this terrible disease. So you and your children should get together in your home put on some great music and dance your butts off. I know the King would have liked dancing.... Stay strong.... and -

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Tuesday 12/31/2019 7:20 PM EST

[betterlivingbeing in reply to j-o-h-n]

You know him well alright. Last year he was having a blast on this night. Looking at pictures has actually been therapeutic. He was always laughing or doing some thing funny in his pics. Your wisdom is always appreciated.