For a long time, I’ve pushed aside my true interests. Growing up, the things that excited me were often brushed off or overlooked. When I attempted to pursue a career in Graphic Design and Art, I wasn’t aware that I had any learning challenges, which led to a lot of setbacks in my education. Now, I find that many of my passions don’t bring me any joy or satisfaction.
Looking back at all the sleepless nights, the overwhelming heartache, and the isolation. All of it could have been avoided if one person from my childhood had taken the time.
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ChaosDad
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mood. I feel the same way. When I started to try and figure it out, I jumped to my ex husband to get away from my family. Thing is we tried to change each other. I stopped doing a lot of things that I thought brought me joy. It wasn’t until I left him at 28 until I started exploring what I really liked. I’m 41 and still trying new things.
Sorry you had a family like mine who didn’t care about what interested you… who just pushed their interests onto you. Being adhd, you are most likely a people pleaser, and as such, you easily lose yourself to make others happy. Try to take some space and look into what you actually enjoy. I didn’t do that u til my 30s.
How did you leave him? My wife is someone who needs to be in control. So much so that I was never allowed to have a bank account or anything in my name. Paychecks were direct deposited to her account and I never had a say in our finances. Friends or acquaintances were most often screened and if she didn't like them I had to cut off any/all communication. When I finally went behind her back and made my own bank account she almost divorced me.
well, he was “looking for work” for 2 years and didn’t do anything around the house. I was finishing schooling and found him a job 5 hours away, near his parents and helped him find a place to move. I was going to go with him 6 weeks later after student teaching but then I met my current partner at my besties birthday party.
because I have no filter (adhd), I told my ex that my current and I like each other but it’s remaining platonic. He started screaming at me daily and projecting his cheating onto me ( he did 900 numbers then had addresses with his codes for it). All of the money he contributed was begged out of his parents, and he wasn’t working on bettering our lives in any way.
I flew home 2000 miles away for a month to clear my head and figure out what I really wanted. I realized how miserable I was, and I broke my childhood promise to myself to only marry one guy. When I got back, I started the annulment (no kids or ownership of property), so we had 2 neutral parties (our pastor and another friend) go through the paperwork and I turned it in. We agreed whatever was at his place was his and my place was mine.
About 10 years later, we reconnected on social media and are friendly with each other. I even sent a few cherished items his way and we talk about my kids and his kids. I am glad he can have his hobbies and I can have mine, since we couldn’t express ourselves fully that whole time.
though we had a joint account, we almost never had money in it. I was easily able to let my employer change my direct deposit to a new account I made after I came back from my trip. Kids and property like houses and vehicles complicate things and make it where it costs more to actually divorce rather than have an annulment. What helped was that he realized I was finally leaving him and was copacetic about it. Your wife wouldn’t likely be that helpful. You may need to take her to mediation through a service unless you find a couple people you both feel safe with and can be neutral and helpful with de-escalation.
oh… also, if you still have contact information on the people she didn’t approve of, contact them. They would love to help you with getting away from her (sleep there, help finance or even rides if need be). Hope this helps. Zen hugs 🫂
Me too! And my two older sisters are very close and I was, literally, the fifth wheel. I too put myself last and became pretty good at being invisible. Its tough to make friends because I assume that others are not interested in the same things I am. So, maybe my challenge to myself this year will be to go to events that interest me and meet new people. Its a scary world out there. BTW I'm 73.
This happens a lot to people with learning issues. Yes, we are people pleasers. We rather make others happy than do things that make us happy. We (at least some of us) always put everyone else's happiness before ours. And, by the time we get around to things that makes us happy it's too late in life to do something about it and/or you don't have the support to get to become what you've always wanted to be. That's life though. People just (at least it seems like it) don't want others that have learning issues to get careers/jobs that make enough money to become financially independent from their parents/family. They're discouraged from doing it. Which is sad. I think that this is one of the reasons you hear a lot about learning disabled people trying to kill themselves. We become really hard on ourselves because of (at times) the expectations (or lack of) that our families put on us. They want us to get the college degree that they want. Not the one(s) that we want. Maybe the day that the families of people with learning issues view us as worthy of respect then things can get better.
Yea, I'm one of those unworthy few. Thoughts of being "unalive" have been plaguing me for over thirty years, and I've lost count of how many attempts. Three decades of feeling like a mistake because I thought I missed some smart vaccine, or being delivered to the wrong address by the post man. It crippled my mental health when I finally found out I have an early development disease that, more than likely, was the cause of most of my trouble, just to learn my family still didn't care.
I def understand that feeling of not belonging or feeling like a mistake. Even though I figured out that I’m just wired differently than my family and my ex/ex’s , I still fall back into that negative thought pattern. What helps me is distancing myself from them and my “people pleasing” and really forcing myself to do something I enjoy doing or need to do. Then I sit back and give myself permission to be excited and secretly happy about what I’m doing for myself. I know that might sound weird or oversimplified but giving myself those breaks from other people’s expectation makes a big difference. Once a week. Once a month. Heck, even once a day! Having that small since of accomplishment , self-talk and self-appreciation goes a long way.
Thank you all for the helpful replies. I've become so reclusive because of the experiences surrounding my ADHD that being able to even ask a simple question fills me with anxiety.
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