How do I stop wasting away?

[Abarnstead]

I struggled all throughout school whether it was struggling to pay attention and retain any of the information that was presented to me. In trouble for forgetting homework or not doing homework. Absolutely dreaded being called on by the teacher to answer a question on the board in front of the class. And It hasn’t stopped there. Never being able to find confidence in anything I did.

Once I started working my very first job which was a daycare. I worked with the babies until age 2 maybe. A friend of mine got me the job. The manager there was real strict and pretty mean. I remember feeling like I was supposed to just know everything.

I have always needed very specific detailed answers in what I was to be doing so I could try not mess anything up. But so many times in life I feel like I have been talked down on or judged. I would ask the simplest questions maybe more than one time and still be confused. Maybe you were just already expected to know these things that I didn’t know ?

Anyhow My very first job was the first time I had a manager ask me if I had any common sense! I ended up getting let go because I couldn’t even stick up for myself and was scared to speak up . Heck I already felt like something was wrong with me anyway.

A few years later my friend encouraged me to go get my medical assistant certificate. So I went to a medical school that took 6 months to complete and get my certificate. Luckily for my friend who was going to school to be a nurse at that time she helped me study and to try and remember things so I could pass my tests. Flash cards became my best friend. I passed and I ended up getting an externship and they actually hired me!

Of course I was terrified. It was so much to remember . Everything needed to be in order and documented perfectly. I had to room patients and keep anll the rooms stocked abe set out anll the infusion stuff the for next Day patients who all had different types of meds and infusions. I aLeo ended up becoming the medical records person to scan and index all the paperwork that came though the office. All the test and orders needed to be in patients charts in the right tab so it would be there for the doctor to view before or during the visit with their patients. I couldn’t just remember and I never really caught on with time. The girls around me I would always be asking them the same questions all the time because I just didn’t know and couldn’t remember. I would get so frustrated and scared to even ask for help because I felt like I was an inconvenience and couldn’t handle the annoyed tone of voice from people. The girls would warn me that I better step it up otherwise our manager who was also not very nice and was feared by everyone would not be happy with me. The stress and fear I had with being a disappointment had me crying the entire ride home every night.

Finally the day came when my manager pulled me aside into a patient room and closed the door and the first words out of her mouth were “What’s wrong with you?! Don’t you have any common sense!?” Anything after that I don’t even remember anything else she said to me. Mind you I was also 7 months pregnant. I left that room just crying and so embarrassed and upset.

I have struggled working little odds and ends jobs and the longest job I have ever had was for 3 years. Currently I have been out of work for almost three years now.

My relationships are all completely difficult. I am not reliable. I am always late even when I try my hardest to be on time for anything. Time means nothing to me. I am not good with time frames

[Quincie]

I am currently listening to a book by Dr Daniel Amen, Healing ADD. I am only up to chp 3 but so far enough of the info is relevant to me to keep going. If you don't subscribe to Audible you can get a 30 day trial & listen for free.

I don't believe in the "healing" part (but it is a catchy title) but I believe in improving. He addresses different subtypes of ADHD. How you are/react is probably going to match one of his subtypes. The advice he gives may be helpful if followed consistently.

There is always hope for you & you are not a failure. Wishing you the best.

[AlaskaSourdough]

I feel for you! The part about not hearing anything after the initial "what is wrong with you" I have experienced and it is not easy (probably worse when pregnant). The part about being out of work... I accidentally developed my own business and four years later, for a multitude of reasons, sold it but have not been able to hold a job for the last two years since I sold. Now I finally got hired to a good, full-time position and am scared to death to start my first day in a "normal" job March 4th because I have never had a M-F, 8:30-5:00 job with benefits (turning 40 years old in a couple months). From what I have been reading, ADHD folks are absolutely brilliant in at least one area and many are entrepreneurs. If there is anything you can do to make a living on your own, where you don't have to rely on time schedules, that might be helpful. Also, check out this program: tracyotsuka.com/aok-pp/ I hope to read her book and sign up for her program soon but I have to wade through some trauma therapy first (mostly about messed up relationships) and hopefully become not homeless soon... It can only go up from here, for me, I pray it will go up for you too!

[Abarnstead in reply to AlaskaSourdough]

Thank you so much for your time and comment. Can I ask you what was your own business that you developed then sold? And why did you sell it?? I Would love to come up with my own business or something on my own. You just got me thinking. I am going to write down some ideas. My problem is figuring out how to even look into and following through on what to do or where to start. I wish you luck on your new job! That is awesome and totally brave.

I too have serious relationship issues. I currently am looking for a therapist so that I can get help with figuring out if I am the issue or if things are actually as messed up and wrong as i think and feel. My past relaitonships have caused me lots of trauma that I know are affecting me in some ways today in my current relationship.

I will check out the link you sent me that you for that! I am very interested. Thank you

[AlaskaSourdough in reply to Abarnstead]

The business I developed was landscaping, maintenance and installation. There were many reasons to sell. One big one was the painful inflammation in my arms and my chiropractor telling me I would incur permanent damage someday if I didn't quit working so hard. The inflammation was so intense I lost feeling in my hands and could only sleep 4 hours a night before the pain woke me up. I love to sew but couldn't feel the needle or thread anymore. I am 4' 11" tall and weigh in at 110lbs. I was solid muscle and the most I ever lifted was an estimated 160lb VW engine that was partly stripped down. In my work it was more like 80-90lb items on a frequent basis. When my chiropractor measured me before and after one adjustment I started to pay attention because she gave me an extra 3/4" of height. She said I should lift no more than 50-60lbs on occasion only because regardless of having plenty of muscle, my structure wouldn't support the heavy lifting. Devastating. But I am trying to get used to asking for help and restructuring my life to not work so hard. What helped me start the business was having a mentor to direct what kind of steps to take. Unfortunately I lost that mentor part way through the process, otherwise I may have been able to continue building the business to include employees who could take over the heavy stuff. Tracy Otsuka's program is supposed to help us find what we are good at and capitalize on it. I am signed up for the next session starting April 9. I lost the new job already, because I asked for help from the boss to know how to talk to the trainer about some different teaching methods that work for me, because her methods were not getting through at all! The boss wouldn't help me and fired me on the spot. Oh well, I was homeless before, I can stay homeless a little longer till I get through Tracy's program -- I sure hope it helps!!! Best wishes finding your niche, and if there is anything I can do to help you, I would be happy to.

[MaudQ]

Have you been to a psychologist to get diagnosed? And have you ever tried therapy or medication? Not so easy if you’re currently unemployed I know, but if you can get the care, these things can really help. I’m also wondering if you’ve ever spoken to a professional about anxiety? When we get anxious or nervous we can lose focus and memory. I know that when I’m afraid of screwing something up, I get more scattered and forgetful (thanks, brain!)

My favorite resource for ADHD is ADDitude .com. For books, I like Your Brain’s Not Broken 2.0 and the Managing ADHD Workbook for Women by Christy Duan. You could also try A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD - it deals a lot with undoing the low self esteem that comes from being neurodivergent. There are tricks and trainings for memory stuff - I have the world’s worst working memory so my whole existence is labeled and color coded 🤓.

I’m also wondering if you could look for a job that plays to your strengths. If having to remember lots of details is stressing you out - maybe it just means that the job isn’t a great fit. FWIW, I just did a big pivot out of a career that wasn’t healthy for me or my ADHD - it was really hard but I’m so much happier and healthier now that I’m out. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t hack it - but really I just needed to be doing something different and get out of the mentality that I was the problem. Not that everything is easy street now, but I’m not spending sooo much energy fighting myself and masking to fit in.

[Spaceycase]

First off, who the heck says that to a lady that’s 7months pregnant?! Secondly, I feel for you and highly recommend you seek out a therapist or speak with your doctor about medication.

Grew up with performance/social anxiety and between the physical, emotional and social symptoms, it can really take its toll. Add stress to the mix, and it makes everything worse (impaired memory, listening, social and critical thinking skills, shakes, panic attacks, and even vommitted on special occasions 🤪). Also felt like there was something wrong with me, and as you point out ppl can be critical, judgmental, mean and hurtful talking down to us rather than being kind, understanding and trying to lift us up with words of encouragement or a helping hand which isn’t great for our self-esteem. Talking to a therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment and medication have made such a diff in my life. Writing things down can also help with anxiety management when confused, flustered or memory is impaired.