New here, want help processing emotions.

[Overthinkingit]

Hi all, 41 year old guy here. I've dealt with a lot of trauma and emotional abuse growing up, and for a long time I've blamed those on my own moral failings. All of my struggles were my own fault in my head and I've been internalizing it a lot. I haven't really felt like I fit in with any of my family or friends for most of my life. An ADHD diagnosis has helped me come to terms with a lot of these issues, but the process has just begun and I'm still struggling a lot. I've recently discovered the concept of RSD and I feel like a lot of stuff kind of clicks with it, but I want to talk to professionals about it more before throwing the term around. But my feelings are way too strong and dating and socializing scare me because of it.I'm here mostly because I feel alone and needed a community where I can discuss these things. I've recently left a community that wasn't helping me that I was using as a clutch because it contained a lot of people with ADHD. I'm currently getting over a feeling of being rejected from that community (mostly because I was feeling parasocial and I needed to get out for everyone's benefit) and from a really big feeling of rejection from a parasocial crush that I'd developed over a very long time. Does anyone have any tools they use that helps them with emotions? I'm not really feeling myself.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the community Overthinkingit !

This is a pretty good community, with supportive people.

I'm on a few other ADHD forums (noted in my profile), which I think are all good, but I'm on this one almost every day.

I got diagnosed just a few years ago, and I felt like my whole life finally made sense.

Different things can help with emotional regulation, but just as there's no cure for ADHD, there's no way to completely solve the emotional dysregulation that comes with it.

Some of the things you can do to help:

• Get adequate rest

• Get regular exercise

• Eat a healthy diet (so that your body feels better, and when you're feeling good, you might not be as reactive)

• Spend time in nature

• Spend quality time with friends or family

• Spend as little time as possible in situations that affect you negatively (also don't spend time with people who affect your regularly, if you're able to do so).

• Try to reduce your overall stress

• Make time to do things that you enjoy

Other things that can help:

• Get a good therapist and meet with them regularly

• Learn and practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques

• Learn and practice some form of mindfulness or meditation (yoga or tai chi would be included in this)

I went through a really bad time before my divorce, and a therapist taught me CBT and mindfulness techniques. He made get clear to me to practice them regularly, so that when I needed them, I would have them available. You don't want to wait until you're in a bad state of mind to use them, because they you wouldn't know how.

I've heeded his advice pretty well, but there are still some times that I have needed therapy, phone calls with family for encouragement, text conversations with friends for reassurance, even a time when I needed to be on an SSRI when i was depressed.

...But I tend to internalize my negative emotions, not expressing outwards.

~~~~~

I've been hearing a lot lately about how a couple of medications can help people with emotional dysregulation (including RSD). These are clonidine and guanfacine. Both are in the same class of non-stimulant medications: alpha 2a agonists (originally developed as blood pressure medication). They can be taken along with a medication that treats other ADHD symptoms.

I haven't tried either, yet. But thought I'd pass that info along, in case you want to ask your doctor about them.

[Overthinkingit in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks a bunch for your reply. I don't have a family structure that can help but I've been reaching out to more friends who I didn't trust with this side of me for so long. We're all in our 40's and I'm the final bachelor so its been rough finding time to spend time in person. As for exercise/nature/eating better I've been weight training 2-3 times a week and love hiking and walking so there's no problem there. I'm usually eating really healthy but right now my anxiety is through the roof and killing my appetite. I don't think I have the energy for leg day later but I'll try. Did arms and back on Wednesday. I try to get adequate rest but recently I've been going into the office for work, a 2 hour commute, which makes me have to get up at 5 am. I'm not a morning person but I was slipping really hard with my duties at work, so even though I'm classified as a remote worker I need the organization and structure of the office to be productive. I only have enough room in my current apartment for one desk setup, and that one is reserved for the machine I built for gaming a bit ago. That desk is too distracting.

Situations that affect me negatively is kind of hard. I feel like ADHD isn't all I have because for some reason my brain is constantly distracted by intrusive thoughts about wanting to find a partner. My crushes are too loud and I'm trying to avoid that happening as hard as possible. Especially since things I enjoy can lead to people I enjoy and that's how I got into my last crush.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week, but had to add an extra day this past week. He's expensive because he's not in network with my insurance, but all the in network therapists I had were terrible. I don't think he's trained specifically for ADHD treatment but he treats me like I'm human with valid concerns for once so I'm hesitant to drop him. I take depression meds as well, been diagnosed with mostly depression and anxiety most of my life. I just finally had enough mental bandwidth last year to see if I had ADHD, since the streamer I was watching resonated with me so strongly.

I'm going to try some kind of meditation and CBT if I can. Last time I tried it my brain was too fast to really focus. Now that I'm on stimulants and I'm 16 years older and desperate I might be able to. Just being here with people that understand me has already helped me greatly. Thanks again!

[MrQuest]

Hey there, and welcome. Not sure I can help about RSD. Social interactions exhaust me, so I avoid getting overly involved. It's strange because I enjoy being social but the overwhelm makes it painful to do it consistently.

I'll share what's recently been helping me. 59, diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago. Lots of childhood abandonment and trauma issues. Lots of different meds and diagnosis during the past few years. The one thing that has helped me lately is identifying what's really going on.

Up to this point I only knew I was depressed or angry. Figuring out what I'm really experiencing and finding the appropriate terms to describe them has really helped. It isn't depression or panic for me, it's anxiety. It isn't social anxiety disorder, it's overstimulation or executive function issues. I'm working now on figuring out what's an internal trigger for me (felling rage) versus what's general overstimulation. Previously I thought it was the same, but starting to get a better understanding of both. Adderall helps me so much with overstimulation and executive function issues. I can finally remember people's names for the first time in my life.

It hasn't solved my triggered anxiety and rage issues. Working on that now since I can finally start to feel and explain the difference. Sharing this in hopes it might help you identify what could be hyperactivity, or hypersensitivy, or hyperfocus and what might just be "other" for now.

[Overthinkingit in reply to MrQuest]

Similar trauma here, and a lot of that is very familiar. Don't really have rage though, just an extreme need to be acknowledged and loved. Kind of makes me want to go out and talk to everyone, but my brain isn't interested in everyone and I've internalized a lot of rejection to the point that people make me nervous. Adderall has helped me stop disassociating from my emotions, but that means I'm feeling them again. Effexor makes it harder to feel human, hoping to get to the point where I can go off of it. Thanks for your reply.

[JN_HK]

Hi - definitely relate to this; my solution for this has been to begin projects of my own that bring me joy. In order to do this, I've had to pretty strictly develop CBT (been using Mary Solanto's CBT for executive function for Adults with ADHD as a guidebook) , and began to develop myself in what I knew on an educational front as well as on my CV. Recognizing that I wasn't going to do particularly exceptionally, but that with the Solanto's mantras in place, that I could at least finish my programs (have since finished two master degree programs), I've begun to develop self confidence that doesn't rely so much on others, but is supported by what I know I have achieved and what I can do.

The RSD-like symptoms doesn't get easier in my experience, but for me, especially on a romantic level, I've felt particularly strong stings from lovers/crushes. Getting my own career where I want to it to be, my own level of knowledge and my own craft (I write) has gotten me to a point where... even as the rejection hurts, I have other things to fall back on so that rejection isn't the only ... measurement of my self-value. Hope this helps.

[Overthinkingit in reply to JN_HK]

Thanks. It's really rough for me, my recent rejection felt way too powerful and ended up feeling the same traumatic feeling as when my mom died. Maybe a cptsd thing, but it was way too strong for just getting my heart broken again. I'm trying to learn to draw, have a tablet and waiting for some books to get here.