Focusing on focusing, causes anxiety

[AuDHD3245]

I was talking to my specialist, and I couldnt help but think 'I dont talk like this to anyone else'. I don't, can't because with her, I am talking about me and I know all about me. Life, issues, personal feelings, and thought. I cannot do that in a social group, who can? You can't walk into a group of friends on a night out and talk about medical issues, and so, I have developed a social anxiety.

I notice that when concentrating and focusing on conversation, not only is it exhausting, it causes anxiety, and thus 'social anxiety'.

There's a childlike behaviour in myself, and it's frowned upon as immature, and unmanly. As an adult, we can't be children, and so obviously, we try to be adult. Sensible conversations, mature chat, standing at the bar with a pint of bitter that lasts all night because of 'work in the morning', in at 9.30, shower, get clothes ready for the next day, bed at 10.30, up early for breakfast, work, gym and home again.

I dont do that. I dont want to tell stupid rubbish, sensible jokes that everyone fake laughs at. Being in that circle is NOT being myself. I'm stupid, i'm brash, I don't care stuff, i'm messy, i'm unorganised, i'm a bad time keeper, I eat junk when I feel like it, I drink alcohol until it knocks me out, I stay up until 5am, I speak how I feel, I talk my mind, I say what I want to say, I don't think I just do what I want when I want, I dont focus on conversation, I tune out.... BUT THAT'S ME!

All of the above is ADHD/autism. Not only is it that condition, but it's an issue. Not for me, I know no different. We're born with it, but for others observing the behaviour.

So, they say 'calm down, listen, focus and concentrate'... I try because I dont want to insult or offend anyone. Why should they feel hate in their heart because of me? So, I do try to 'reel it in'.

But, it's tiring, it's exhausting, honestly trying to focus on focusing to behave causes a bubble up of emotion that isn't me. That's anxiety.

Focusing on trying to focus causes anxiety because we're not being ourselves. We 'need' to focus, we 'should' focus, we 'have to' focus... but deep down, we dont 'want' to... It's not us.

Born with ADHD/Autism means our brain doesnt do the mature focusing, sensible things 'typical' brains 'want, need, should, have to', but trying to do it, causes a glitch in the brain, it's not us.

[MaudQ]

I have had this problem my whole life: not understanding why I felt like I didn’t fit in and why I wasn’t interested in the same stuff as other people. Finally finally getting it: there’s no point in trying to make myself be like “everyone.” The secret is finding the people who I can relate to and expecting less from the rest. If you follow your interests - no matter how strange they are - eventually you will find the people who share those interests. But I’m with you: it suuucks to be bouncing around when everyone is sitting sensibly and bonding over something incredibly dull 🙄 I try to have grace with them and with myself: they are entitled to their interests and I’m entitled to mine. It doesn’t fix the problem, but at least I’m less stressed about it. And knowing I have some friends who get me - even if not everyone does - makes a huge difference.