Do you always feel the pressure to be interesting to others? I'm realizing that due to my ADHD, I tend to believe that others will lose interest in me if my conversation is not interesting. I try very hard to keep them entertaining and feel the pressure if the conversation doesn't go well. I tend to rehearse conversations before I have them, especially the difficult or fresh ones. Usually this results in worse outcomes because I'm picking complex topics which I find interesting but which can tire others.
I just realized that a conversation need not lead anywhere at all, which was a huge eye opener. Working on having many more meaningless conversations, and hopefully gaining from them. Small talk was never my strong point, but I'd love to hear your experiences on this, as well as tips and pointers on how I can get better with small talk.
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pragman
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I have issues here too. First thing is that talking about weird stuff (complex topics) is underrated. That's the natural inclination of neurodiverse people anyway. And like one in five people is neurodiverse. So, don't give up on that; just understand that it's not for everyone, but if it's how you're inclined to communicate, you'll find your peeps.
The other thing I have learned about small ralk is that people are looking for emotional connection. So, if someone comes along saying "how about that weather", don't just agree that "yes, it is hot", talk about how you feel about that weather. Do you like hot days? Sometimes it feels like every conversation starts with "what do you do for work". So, don't just answer with what you do, elaborate to say whether you like your job or not, what motivates you?
If you Get in touch with your feelings, that stuff will flow better, and you won't have to rehearse.
Reciprocity is the second thing people are looking for. Just say "how about you? How do you like the weather?" That'll set them off, amd a conversation will flow.
That’s pretty interesting; I never thought people were reaching out for an emotional connection. What kind of emotions are they trying to reach out for?
Nothing in particular. An emotional connection doesn't mean any particular emotion. Just don't be too negative.
You can be honest with your emotions, and if they're negative you can say so. If you hate your job, or the weather, you can say that. But make a joke of it, so you're not coming off as existentially depressed. That existential depression shuts people out.
Oh, and the thing I should say about reciprocity is that it's important because it's giving the other person an opportunity to talk, and most people love talking about themselves. You just see them glow when the conversation turns to them. It's also an opportunity for you too be quiet (if that's what you're good at), listen, and not have to be the interesting one.
I am the same way as you. I’ve been working in my small talk it seems like forever. I can usually do a couple of exchanges but if it lasts longer than that it’s nothing but awkwardness as I really don’t have anything left to say.
The struggle with small talk, rehearsing what to say and talking about complex topics is more ASD than ADHD is it not ? I have ADHD but don't struggle with this, or maybe I've got that wrong and it is also a'symptom' of ADHD ...
Agree, I suspect that I might have ASD as well, and I read somewhere that with spectrum disorders, you can be anywhere on the spectrum with a combination of issues. For example, while I have issues with small talk, I don't have a problem with eye contact, which is a very typical ASD symptom. Eager to learn more about this as well.
I don't have the small talk or eye contact but I'm very sensitive to sound. I've been a very light sleeper since I was born and I often hear small noises in the house that nobody else notices. Now, I'm not hearing things lol, but if there is a dripping tap, creaking door or even a ticking clock it irritates me and I have to and investigate. I don't like clothes tags either and I always cut them off when I buy anything new. I wonder if ADHD can present with sensory issues without being ASD. I really don't want to be ASD..
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