Trying to be more social.

[Glyph_Dynamics]

Hello! I'm glad I found this community, as I am not entirely sure how to progress with my social life. I am a 22yr old (M), formerly medicated with methylphenidate but stopped when trying to enter the Airfare, graduated college with associates degree, and work full time at a job which exhausts me and is unlikely to yield any future. I can talk to people just fine, but I find it difficult to talk with new people when they call or text me. I'm uncertain why, since its not too different from Discord (which I am perfectly comfortable using extensively to keep in contact and meet people), but having my phone buzz repeatedly with a phone call or with that specific intensity that indicates a text just brings me an anxiety and a feeling that I want nothing to do with it. My parents do regularly get upset with me when I have unread text messages, and demand I read them and play my voicemails out loud, and sort through my emails in front of them. This usually results in multi-hour long arguments, which get rekindled after a 20 minute or so hiatus and just get progressively worse, but that's a different topic. It often feels like I'm boxed in, with nobody who will actually listen or give useable advice in my family, and a lack of friends who still live in my near vicinity, and constantly being pushed to interact with people I never had any interest in conversing with all in the effort of "going up and acting like an adult". Would anyone happen to have any advice?

[givemethereins]

Yes I have that too, it's quite common with adhd. There's a couple of reasons why certain emails and texts trigger a freeze response and you find either you avoid them entirely or feel mounting anxiety.One reason that sounds related to you is demand avoidance. So when your parents demand you take care of emails, texts in front them that may add additional pressure and avoidance mechanisms onto an avoidance behaviour. So doubling the pressure which can feel like trying to push your body through cellphone to address the issue being avoided. Meaning it can be physically difficult to do.

The second is that with every outsider email and text you receive, it feels like another opportunity to fail.

Meaning you won't reply in time so then you feel the weight of letting people down. That adds more pressure and avoidance and anxiety and the cycle repeats.

Acceptance is the key. And masking is also perhaps part of the issue.

Worried you will let people down.

Trying to maintain neruo typical behaviour when you are not.

I found as soon as I accepted that I will be late replying or I may not answer every email.

I didn't need to mask, therefore I was less afraid of 'letting people down'.

This meant I felt far less anxiety or pressure upon getting texts or emails.

Which allowed me to answer them almost immediately.

I was no longer afraid of them.

With socialising, it works I think abit the same.ie. Acceptance equals less masking equals less pressure equals more capacity to be social with others.

Good luck it's an exciting journey when you realise there's lots to learn about yourself that mean less shame to carry and more freedom.

Also medication does help to identify these things. For me at least.

[STEM_Dad]

One whole dimension of ADHD is emotional dysregulation.[According to the diagnostic criteria, Inattentive traits make up one side of ADHD diagnosis, and Hyperactive-Impulsive traits make up the other side...but there is a third side which issue used for diagnosis, but almost always needs to be addressed: Emotional Dysregulation.]

So, your emotions seem to be triggered by this issue with calls, texts, email and voicemail. These are making you feel anxious, and your parents' involvement (and obvious frustration) is adding to that anxiety.

Everyone has their own particular comfort levels with communication methods.

•My parents are Boomers. They still have a landline, and they answer it when it rings. They have on only had cell phones for about 6+ years, and smartphones only half that time (which they turn off and put in the other room, when they wind down for the evening). They don't use social media at all. My dad used a dedicated voicemail number for about 10 years, and probably checked it every day. They have email, but probably don't check it more than a couple of times per week. My mom prefers to hand write letters and mail them.

•I am Gen-X. I got rid of my landline phone within a couple of years after getting a cellphone. Now, I've got my smartphone on my person or nearby me 24x7. I answer calls of I recognize the caller, but let it go to voicemail if I don't. I prefer official correspondence through email or postal mail, but personal contact though phone, text, or Facebook. (I rarely post on Facebook, but "like" others' posts a lot, and sometimes reply.) I'm on Discord, but the pace of the conversation goes too fast for me, so I check it a couple of times a week...but I just haven't gotten get involved there. I'm on this forum almost every day.

• My grown kids started with cell phones in their late teens (and wanted them much earlier than that). They are regulars on Discord. My eldest daughter is a 30 year old Millennial, my older son a 21 year old Gen-Z. She is on Facebook daily and posts often; he hasn't joined FB yet. She also texts a lot, and likes video calls more than regular phone calls; he is hard to get ahold of.

Each generation has a different mindset and expectations. Each person has different preferences.

~~~~~

Other things can be factors. I was very much in love with me wife, and had a special ringtone and text alert just for her. When I heard those during the day, my heart would jump for joy.

Then, the relationship fell apart and she divorced me. The same ringtone or text chime would then make me feel instantly anxious. I needed to still talk with her, because we share custody of our younger kids, but I had to change the ringtone and text chime so that I wouldn't be "triggered". When her ring tone was changed to the generic one for my phone, my anxiety when receiving her calls or texts was a lot less.

~~~~~

I'm sure that your parents have good intentions. Parents want their kids to do well, and to live a good life. They are probably worried that you're not learning good communication skills. I was worried about my grown son, but I tried to be mild in addressing my concerns, not overbearing. (I'm sure that I was a bit obsessive, when he was getting ready to start college, and when he was looking for his first jobs. But I realized that he had to figure things out for himself. I can give him advice, but he has to choose whether to listen to it. He didn't stay in college, but that's his choice, not mine.)

[STEM_Dad]

As for being social, in general:You have your own unique set of interests. Try to seek out people who share those interests. Take a genuine interest in the people that you take a liking to, out of those groups.

It can be hard to be social, sometimes. Just be patient with yourself. Nobody has lived your exact life and walked your exact path before. You are figuring this thing called "life" for the first time, like we all are.

Other can try to point the way, but it's up to you if you want to follow the way they are pointing out, or another well-worn path, or a mysterious trail, or be a trailblazer.

[Netjester]

Not sure this is related to ADHD, but it's a Freeze response related to anxiety. You might want to explore where that anxiety comes from. Often times, people who went through some type of trauma will have this response and believe it has to do with ADHD.

Were you bullied, molested or involved in forms of verbal abuse? Did you witness abuse? Did your parents divorce? All of these things contribute to this type of response.

FYI, it's okay to not respond. That stress is coming from you believing you need to respond. It's okay

[Portuguesemess]

Hello Glyph_Dynamics !I feel you ... you're surround by people and still feel alone and frustrated because no one seems to listen. It's like you're speaking a different language...

Have you notice what is happening when you get the messages that trigger you?

givemethereins might be on the right track...

For me, i found, that it added more pressure to whatever i was doing at the time the phone rang. It forced me to multitask. That's something we tend to feel we are good at, but it's our ruin😄 You have to divert you're attention to something else when you already are using all the energy you have to finish the task at hand.

This happens without you even realising it. So you feel pressured, rushed, frustrated and anxious without knowing why.

Do you have a therapist to help you?

Find one, if not. Make sure it's an expert in adult ADHD because otherwhise it will backfire. You need professional help to unpack this. Internet is great to vent out, but it's not much help if you want real change in your life. None of us are mentalhealth experts.

We can share our experience but don't take it as the answer to your problems. Everyone is different.

Good luke and don't give up🤍