ADHD clashes with my 5 year old

[TRILLMIND96]

starting to see the early stages of adhd in my 5 year old and have a bit of hard time not letting our moments of feeling overwhelmed not clasclash, is there anyone who could share a few tips or thier experiences ththat may help with this delema I have. Would be much appreciated. Ty

[STEM_Dad]

I'll do my best.

I'm a father of 4 kids, who are way spread out in age.

You're 27 and your daughter is 5.

I was 26 when I became a father to my stepdaughter, who was 7 at the time. So, it seems a similar age matchup.

• (I have Inattentive ADHD, which wasn't diagnosed until I was 45. My daughter likely has Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD, which still isn't diagnosed, but her behavior all her life fits the description.)

I had just married her mom, who was a workaholic at the time, so my daughter and I spent a lot of time together.

Things I wish we had done more: play, go to a park, talk just to talk, talk so I could learn all about what she was thinking and what she likes, playdates with her friends, reading books together on the floor, Legos, cooking, teaching her to ride her bike, sorting her beads, coloring pictures.

It was just a year later that her brother came along, so that was the only time that the two of us had to jumpstart our father-daughter relationship.

I was too serious at the time. (I did all those things with her, but I wish I had done more of them.) I reinforced her mom's strict rules and expectations, when I should have talked with my wife about relaxing them a bit.

• For a little more context, I was so serious because I was trying so hard to be a "good parent", that I was constantly overthinking it.

~~~~~

A child your daughter's age needs quality time with parents, and also time to discover what she likes to do. She needs your patience, she needs you to be even-tempered, even when she's being emotional.

• (You will be challenged. You will have to take time-outs for yourself, so get control of your frustration.)

• Educate yourself as a parent. Read books, listen to podcasts, ask questions of other parents (but take anything they say with a grain of salt; I've been a parent for 22 years, and I'm still learning new things).

She needs clear expectations and boundaries (simple rules), but she also needs more freedom than she had as a 3-4 year old.

At 5 years old, a child's personality is developing fast and coming out in the open. They are figuring out the world more, but it is often confusing and full of contradictions. --- And if she does have ADHD, her behavior and social development will be more like a 3-4 year old, no matter how smart and verbally skilled she might be.

And listen when she's talking to you with genuine interest. She might surprise you with her observations, as she is observing the world for the first time that you've become so used to that you overlook some of the wonder and magic in everyday things.

~~~~~

The world is a storm of sensations, and your home needs to be a safe harbor...safe for her because you are there.

She needs to know that you love her just as she is, and that you will always love her. Make sure you keep telling her that.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

My relationship with my eldest daughter has been tumultuous at times. She was a handful at 7 years old, but she often got out of hand when she was in her teens.

I think that it would have been better if we had both been diagnosed with ADHD back when she was young. At the very least, there would have been better understanding of why our behaviors were the way they were, and hopefully medication to help us.• (She still isn't diagnosed, but last year her doctor told her that he thinks she should be evaluated for ADHD. I got diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety three years ago, at the age of 45.)

I made a lot of mistakes, but I always had the best intentions.

I'll tell you what I definitely did right, though. I made sure that she knows that I love her and God loves her...just as she is.

My now 30 year old daughter and I now have a great relationship, and she has grown up to be a great parent herself... maybe even better than me.

[TRILLMIND96 in reply to STEM_Dad]

this was very helpful and definitely has me seeing things in different view thank you @STEM_Dad

[STEM_Dad in reply to TRILLMIND96]

I'm happy to help 😊

[STEM_Dad]

By the way, there's another community here you should check out: CHADD's ADHD Parents Together

healthunlocked.com/adhd-par...

[Happytiredbunny]

definitely don’t shout at them, my son knows how he should behave so when I can see his behaviour is due to overwhelm I give him space and he always comes back happy and says sorry, if you force discipline when they’re overwhelmed it just makes them worse and more overwhelmed… and destroys their self esteem. Always give consequences in advance and talk calmly about what went wrong once they’ve calmed down 👍🏻

[Mamamichl in reply to Happytiredbunny]

Indeed! They can’t control the outburst, but then feel bad enough from the meltdown without us making things far worse.

[Mamamichl]

What do you mean by clasclash? All kids feel overwhelmed sometimes and at that age are self centered so not letting things go can be a normal thing, but you’re right that if severe enough, it can be a sign of adhd.

[TRILLMIND96 in reply to Mamamichl]

And by clashing i mean when we are both having and emotionally overweld start or transitions from one activity to another, I understand she need to be able to find herself and her voice but it gets to a point where she jusy wants to keep running at 100% and the conversation is completely tuned out until my wife or i have to raise our voice. I have put so mich effort in to having a structure to our life. I have struggled most of my life with the inattentiveness emotional up and downs depression and ect. I take the time to brake down situations for her to understand whats going on but 5 min later shes completely forgotten what rules or boundaries that have been said or set.

[Mamamichl in reply to TRILLMIND96]

Two things that may help. Having the rule visually accessible (have a pic to go with it too) will keep it fresh on her mind.

The other tactic that is working for us is to have her stop and pay attention before we do a direction. Basically if she’s watching on her phone or playing a game, we have her pause and look at us before we say more. It doesn’t always work, but our persistence and calmness seems to help. If she needs to say flush the toilet and she’s already in another room, we call her to us and calmly redirect. It worked well for my partner from his stepdad. He remembers a time when he had to close the door a dozen times and reopen it. The repetition really makes a difference. Imagine the movie karate kid. You want to be his teacher if you can pull that off. (Wax on. Wax off).