What To Do About Lonliness

[BunnyJen90]

Usually I'm fine being alone but lately been feeling a bit lonely. Doesn't help that I'm single now. I've tried looking for other guys but no luck. Starting to think I should give up looking for another boyfriend but unsure how to deal with loneliness. What can I do?

[MaudQ]

Have you ever tried looking into social groups for adults with autism? Could be online or real world. Apparently there’s research that people with autism connect much better with other autistic folks than with neurotypicals. My kid has autism and just started going to a school for students with autism and she’s so much happier. I have ADHD and sometimes I just need to be around people who “get” me. Could be a good step before jumping back in to looking for a BF.

[MaudQ in reply to MaudQ]

Or if you have any type of specific interest, you could see if there’s a community out there.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to MaudQ]

Sorry but don't want to be around others with autism. I do have some interest in comics and want to be a comic artist. Other than that most of what I'm into is video games. Been thinking about getting into multi-player games but people can be mean online so not entirely sure.

[writer35 in reply to BunnyJen90]

Hey BunnyJen, you're at an online support group for neurodivergence, so in terms of who you hang out with - you do you. But saying you don't want to be around "autistic freaks" isn't okay. Characterize yourself as a freak all you want. Leave us out of it. In terms of advice, I agree with the advice of finding people who like comics or gaming and seeing who you click with. And sometimes it can feel lonely when you have people in your life that aren't supportive and drain your energy, so reducing time with those types of people might also help while you're finding others you enjoy.

[NatSam in reply to BunnyJen90]

“Autistic Freaks?” Are you serious? Maybe this is why you are alone? Your choice of words were really insensitive. I am not autistic, but as someone that’s adhd and a hypersensitive person I find your choice of words very offensive.

Take some time to self reflect on your loneliness before looking for friendship/companionship from others.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to NatSam]

No one cares about those with ADHD and autism.

[Gettingittogether]

OMG, you don't want to be around "other autistic freaks." Well there is your problem right there. People with specific conditions aren't freaks. They are individuals with a range of strengths and weaknesses, quirks and gifts. And when we want friends, we are seeking individuals.

The other major problem with your language--and your thinking--is that you are degrading yourself to use that language about others. That's a self putdown. If I were to say I don't want to be on a board with a bunch of ADHD freaks, then I'm rejecting myself, who has some serious ADHD.

In fact, the people on this board are extremely smart and helpful and kind and have a lot of experience. And they share openly.

It's a paradox, but in reality one of the biggest steps towards treatment of a condition is to deshame ourselves about the condition! That's like the biggest step. Because without that step, we won't take other steps.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Gettingittogether]

I'm very surprised to find that people actually care about people with autism and ADHD. From my personal experience no one cares about those kind of people. I actually find it kind of suspicious that you care about people who no one else cares at all about. No one cares for people with autism and ADHD no one.

[Dell12345 in reply to BunnyJen90]

I care and so do lots of other people people. I can seem like no one does if you are lonely, but that's not true, it's just the small view of the world you personally can see at this time, many other people's views are completely different. Your view will change as you meet new people.

[Blue_186281_red]

I was very isolated my first year of community college. My solution was to read books at a popular coffee shop and play wall flower. I like reading, so that provided motivation to stick to it. Eventually, I was absorbed into the group of regulars and I forgot to bring my books.

I like video games too, but I have always stayed away from MMORPGs. Evercrack they called it back when I was in HS. I hear people form relationships in MMORPGs, but I think this is a myth - I think for the most part people form the illusion of connections online. I really want to play Eve - I love sci-fi and it sounds like an amazingly deep game, but NO! I know if I start I will disappear for months or years; life is short and it only becomes easier to succumb to my fear of people when I isolate. We are communal organisms and need relationships to grow. My video game solution was Magic: The Gathering. It is the best of both worlds for my dopamine fix: I can stay up all night looking up cards, building decks, hyper focusing, but at some point I need to poke my head in to the real world and find a partner to shuffle card board with. In fact, the more I use it to isolate, the more urgent it makes my need to socialize; it has a built in negative feedback loop that forces me to connect with people. I hear people form relationships in MMORPGs, but I think this is a myth - I think for the most part people form the illusion of connections online

As far as dudes, your perspective is concerning. If you want to have some casual fun, cool. But nothing good will come of looking for a relationship to solve your loneliness. I guess that's easy to say as a guy - I had to fix myself before I had anything that was attractive women; I was so disconnected and fearful that I had trouble reaching out to men much less women I was attracted to. But on the flip side, it is to women's detriment that they can avoid looking at their painful problems by diving into a relationship - this only delays the growing pains, possibly until you are at a stage in your life when it is much harder to cope with them. You need to find a passion. People with passion are attractive. In a relationship, they won't lose themself: they have an anchor for their personal identity.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Blue_186281_red]

I have thought about card games especially the pokemon TCG but at the same time I find card games kind of old fashioned when there are video games. I could try MMO games but I know that people online are not always the nicest just like in real life. And I suppose instead of looking for another BF I could try looking for some friends but my low self esteem always seems to get in the way of making and keeping friends and I'm not even sure where to make friends these days. Seems these days people either don't get out and hang out at all or they hang out at clubs which isn't my thing.

[Gettingittogether]

I'm a teacher and I happen to have students who have ADHD (I usually share that I have it once I get to know them) ... and I have students on the spectrum. These are wonderful people, as lovely as any of my other students.

Why wouldn't I care about them? They study, they complete assignments, they are polite and respectful. Their condition presents in different and various ways.

One of my recent students told me that she was on the spectrum. She had a staggering knowledge base about Autism. And she was incredibly articulate as she explained what she knew to me in private. She said in public, in class, she was not as good at speaker. But one on one, she was fantastic.

A huge number of students these days have social anxiety, so the people on the spectrum don't stand out in class as much as you might think. I'm sure some of them have struggles after class, in social life.

I have various illnesses in my family including depression, intellectual disability, anxiety, schizophrenia, borderline personality and ADHD (of course!) and on and on. We in the family never saw the person as a condition first, person second. We always saw our members as people first with conditions.

Seeing folks as people first wasn't hard to do and there was no edit enforcing that view. But I have colleagues who don't have all the mental illness in their family that I have. I have never heard them talk badly about people on the spectrum.

[BunnyJen90]

That's very different from my experience. As soon as I was first diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten I was taken away from my friends to be put in special classes which I hated because it made me feel like a bad kid so from my experience no one really cares about those with disabilities.

[Gettingittogether]

I'm so sorry to hear that you were taken away from friends in school and made to feel like you were a bad kid.

You say again from your experience no one cares about disabilities. I have an acquaintance whose husband I know well. She works extremely hard in her job working with children with disabilities. Her district sends her to the latest and best training so that she can teach in the best way. She meets with parents. She loves her students.

I can tell that you suffered and were shamed. Any chance there was at least one decent teacher that you encountered along the way? It's OK if there wasn't.

Most of the people I know with ADHD did NOT get pulled out of class. Which has its own challenges as they struggle to complete assignments in the "regular" classroom. Being in a "regular" class has its own challenges and anxieties. So sorry you were isolated and apparently shamed.

[BunnyJen90]

I still find it hard to believe there are caring people out there you and your friend are probably just a rare few that do care about people with disabilities. Also if most people with ADHD aren't pulled out of regular classes then why was I. It would of been much better if they had kept me in regular classes with my friends.

[Gettingittogether]

I agree that in this society if you have ADHD you are often rejected and stigmatized as you say. The world doesn't really understand or appreciate people with ADHD and their struggles.

Life is indeed really hard for people with ADHD. Sounds like (if I understand you) that life has really been hard for you and sounds like you have some sadness and maybe anger and depression on how you were treated. I'm wondering if you're also feeling kinda hopeless.

I imagine you still are feeling the rejection you felt as a kid taken out of regular classes. That that move was not good for you and only made you feel rejected and maybe that something was wrong with you. Also I'm hearing that none of the people at your school or in your classes seemed to care about you and the other students.

I'm so sorry that you had the experience you had. I'm sensing that you really have given up, that you really don't think society or other people care about those with disabilities like ADHD or autism.

I feel sad and a little confused as to how to communicate with you. I feel I am doing a bad job not really paying attention to what you are saying.

Sorry about that.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Gettingittogether]

Yeah no one really cares about those with disabilities. And yeah I have lost all hope in life but that has more to do with politics than being taken away from my friends. Not sure what to do about that. Though I try to move forward I'm constantly haunted by my past.

[NatSam in reply to BunnyJen90]

I’m not sure what you are seeking here? This is a support group for adults with adhd. We are coming to this platform because we know the humans here, irrespective of politics, religion, etc., all want to be supportive of each other.

In order to have good friends we too have to be a good friend in return. There may be meetup groups in your area to help you really find the “tribe” that gets “you.” Love the things you love and are genuinely good humans (but none of us are perfect).

I think we have to choose: do we believe that the majority of humans are good or bad? I choose to believe that majority are good.

None of us are perfect, but we come to this platform seeking support from people that “get it.” So we care!

Best wishes on your personal journey to self realization.

These are a few of the books I have found/find really helpful as I work through childhood trauma therapy with a therapist and also meet weekly with an adhd coach:

1. Think Unbroken by Michael Anthony

2. Your brains not Broken

3. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach (she also has a podcast that I use for meditation daily)

[BunnyJen90 in reply to NatSam]

Sorry but from my experience the majority of people are actually bad not good.

[Lili90desenho]

Are you just looking for boyfriend? If you're looking for someone to talk to I am too I feel so sad and depressed I want to talk to people who have ADHD too

[Lili90desenho]

I was prompted, when I replied in the previous comment. But then I got curious and read all the comments. About people in general I don't pay much attention to the amount of people who are good or bad, I think people are not one thing or the other, they just don't see us everyone is always worried about themselves instead of others, you worry with other divergent people? I always think that memories are ignored, the world is always generalized, I don't feel like I'm inside anything. When I was a child, I had no diagnosis of ADHD, so I never had support and I stayed with everyone in the classroom and I always felt stupid and incompetent and that brought me a lot of low self-esteem