Hi any ideas. On holiday with husband and our ADHD 24 year old son is having episode (,that's what I call it when he hurls verbal abuse and smashing around the house) How can I support him but make him grow up and let us parents have a break. We only want to grow old gracefully but he makes us so stressed out. Any ideas we need help
He does take his medication.
Tell him he has to be respectful to his parents and their home or he can move out. He is responsible for his behavior. He is a grown man. If he wants help he can see a psychiatrist, counselor, etc. Please do not let him abuse you any longer. His behavior is unacceptable. Also tell him he has to pay you for the damage he causes to your property.
I hear what you are saying. He wants to see the community mental health team who spoke to him in march sent a letter to say they will see him for an assessment but then he chased it up a month ago and they said he doesn't fit criteria for an assessment and so one should have been in touch. Think he may have a personality disorder.
He needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist for a evaluation. But having a mental impairment does not mean the person can abuse others and destroy property. Does he have a full time job or go to school full time or both ?
Worked 6 days a week. Best job in the world he says. Brings in extra business for his employer. But on apprenticeship so not sure if job will be permanent. Worked since 17 and studied so not work shy. Lonely though as all friends moved back to parents homes across the country when in lock down for COVID. Health seemed to deteriorate since then.
I wonder if it would be worth having a medication review? How was he before before medication in terms of his anger? Have you seen an increase in his anger, or is it the same?
I think is anger appears worse because he is older and stronger whilst as parents we are older and weaker. ADHD nurse always wants to increase medication but this doesn't suit him. Lose of appetite unable to sleep and imbalances his brain. Also on sertraline to balance brain with the Elvanse.
Has he previously been diagnosed for Oppositional Defiance Disorder or Conduct Disorder?
One of my siblings was as you describe, and no amount of explaining notions of respect cut it. As an adult he developed anti social personality disorder aka sociopathy.
Our mother refused to involve the police and instead opted for obsequious obedience. He had her Will changed numerous times. Had her sign the title deed to her home to himself. I intervened before he could evict her. He whacked me over the head with a glass bottle, and I responded by involving the police.
Our mother objected to his arrest and lied point blank at every turn. However, the judge was no fool and there were real consequences. However, she went on to die ignominiously under his absolute controll afraid of what her church friends might think if she complained to the authorities.
The point is that I know how this unchecked behaviour can end in the absense of clear lines with meaningful consequences followed up by prompt action.
Verbal abuse accompanied by smashing things is in my humble opinion cause to involve the civil authorities. At age 24 he's an adult and must be confronted with adult consequences.
Hard to read and feel for you. I think need to get a proper diagnosis and see what support we can find as NHS not helping.
The problem with involving police can result in a record and good jobs (Ex. Corporate job) today run a background check, so be careful as you might be doing more harm than teaching him a lesson.
How long has he been on his ADHD meds and at what dosage and is it a stimulent?I only ask because my son , 22 was on adderal for his ADHD. Told his doctor it wasn't working so he kept raising the dosage until he was up to 60mg XR daily. About an 8 year period. Then he was irritable and angry so he was diagnosed with Intermittent explosive disorder- lets add 30mg abilify. Then he had severe anxiety so lets add 120mg hydroxyzine. Smacked a file cabinet at work and was fired. 2 Days later had a manic episode. I called 911- told them he was highly agitated, suicidal and for the cops to watch their guns. Took him to the ER- we 302'd him. They locked him in a room. He got scared and tried to ram the bed to the door to get out. Security and a cop came in and they took him down with security choking him. My son tried to grab the cops gun. Now he has felony charges and could go to jail.
The first thing they did on the psych floor was stop the adderal and hydroxyzine cold turkey.They added depakote. 10 days in and he's been off for 2 months now and doing wonderful. (except for the charges) He's like a new kid.
We found a new doctor and he is slowly weaning him off the abilify. And I hope there comes a time we can stop the depakote also. He feels ok but the hand tremors are God awful.
One BIG thing I learned out of this. Is run from any doctor who gives you another med, to counteract the side effects of one you are already on. I could kick myself because my son kept telling this doctor the adderal wasn't working. Instead of raising it so high, and adding more meds, why he didn't just try another ADHD med.
I agree with talking to his doctor- or finding a new one if he can't help. And also he pays for any damages.
we are in the uk. Had same issue with adhd nurse kept increasing Elvanse up to 70 mg brain was very out of balance. Doctor lowered to 40mg and put him on sertraline to help balance brain. Saw nurse again less than a month later and she wanted to up elvanse again as he seemed more in control. Problem we have us having a face to face appointment to talk through problems. Nurse wrote letter to go saying xhe sill see him in a year and all anger burst are when he has been drinking. But he doesn't drink alcohol and we should know as he doesn't go out. Thank you for your advice.
Why on earth would she say his anger is from drinking when he doesn't drink? That's pretty unprofessional.
I never heard of elvance..I've heard of Vyvance though- also a stimulent ans there are alot of studies that say it can cause anger issues. Google and see. ..some people just can't take stimulents and are better with a non stimulent ADHD med
He needs to see a psychiatrist. They have more education and training than a NP. It could also be helpful to talk with a pharmacist. Pharmacists have much more education and training with medications and side effects than doctors. Seeing a psychologist could also be helpful. For many patients it takes much more than taking medication.
It is Great he is successful at his job. Is it something he can make a career of ? Has he thought about furthering his education in that field?
He is qualified in various aspects of his career path , this he is focussed on. We have asked for cbt and anger management but told nothing available.
I was a wild child, as was my brother. And my mother, well, I have apologised many times since, she appreciates the acknowledgement I can tell, I love her, but back then, I was just staying sane without knowing it. A constant brewing frustation like a tense movie but real.
As we know adhd isn't a disorder, it only effects people in certain situations. that being said, its 2022 not 1022 and hunting and gathering with no other responsibilities doesn't exist for most of us.
You've done the med thing and that can get refined with your dr, i use elvanse, but, its a definite tool that needs responsibility. I don't know, i'm not sure I could cope with it in my 20's, maybe, i.e. little sleep on Elvanse is a time bomb, seriously, world war 2 started and was fuelled by amphetamines.
So what to do? Im a parent, i get it.
Sounds like you have been an amazing parent, truly. Most late teens early twenties get their spirit knocked out of them and kicked out of the house which doesn't lead anywhere good. I know many that did.
They are entering the real world more and more so its in their interest to get a grip before the world strangles the life out of them and leaves them insecure with issues. Employers wont put up with anything from a burger flipping joint to a professional office.
Apart from the adhd, this is normal though, the most dangerous 'animal' on earth is an early 20's male, and I agree, I was loving, kind and savage. Just read the news for anything nasty, it usually involves a lost guy(s) in his or their 20's. so i say again, your doing amazing holding in there, and its not your fault iif you say 'enough', they are an adult now and we all have limits and boundaries, and rightly so, hold in too long and they become spoilt.
So, what makes me less 'wild' now and would back then? You may or may not have looked into the following:
Interesting interests. for me it was underground music, as much as my parents didn't like it, it kept me occupied and out of the police station, it was a compromise for her probably listening to beats at home and on holiday. (this was alongside my chosen career path).
Extreme sports will always, as far as im concerned, be the number one go to for someone with adhd and should be prescribed, period. They burn the beans, surround you with like minded hyper people who have channelled that energy into something healthy, and a exercise is the number one, and always will be. We know adhd is an inbalance of neural transmitters and exercise balances them.
The only problem is you need a budget. If you have a big budget, go on holiday that includes this stuff to expose them indirectly. if you don't, rent it, just find a way. Running is amazing but hardly exciting enough. Im talking motocross, mountain biking, snowboarding, skateboarding is cheaper, climbing centres or outdoor as is bmx, its all dangerous but so is walking down the street next to a busy road. These sports are a life anchor.
My view and everyones that do these sports is, life doesn't work without them, so its a necessary risk, ive broken a lot of bones, but still, so far, not been to prison or annoyed too many people, so i think its a decent risk and an incredible focus. Just ask Lewis hamilton.
Ps i just re read and it says your on holiday sorry, someone told me holidays are never holidays until the kids leave, personally i think that sucks. I'd go with the activity route, see him as a big battery that needs draining and needs like minded positive company of his own age, there is no antisocial, just people focussed on their thing which connects them.
But if it helps at that age i was literally having physical fights on holiday with my siblings drunk, we just stopped getting invited and moved on to trashing the house when they were away.
Ever listed to the audio book loving what is by Byron Katie, it's a powerful one, but it may get you through this with more ease. the audiobook has a lot of live recordings so is better than the written.
You may know all of this, but either way. I'm rooting for you and your not alone on this.
thank you for all the advice and insight. I will defo take on board. His career is sports so physical exercise every day.
Wow, career in sports sounds perfect! He'll work it out, life is confusing sometimes, just hope he does sooner than later. Hope your holiday is/went ok in the end!
thank you
Excellent feedback! Thank you!!
Hi there
I'm so sorry to read that you and your husband are experiencing this. My son is awaiting a diagnosis and displayed similar behaviours in recent years. Lockdown absolutely destroyed him. He's a workaholic and gym fanatic. My son no longer lives with me because he is unpredictable and it's like walking on eggshells. The only reason he moved out was to live with his gf but that relationship failed and he lasted with me a month before he had to go.
It's so hard being their mother because you know that it's their mind triggering these behaviours but at the same time it does not make it OK for them to subject you to this. Then there is the worry of what they would do when no longer living with you. Right now my husband is subsidising our son which is causing additional strain financially. I would say for the sake of both you and your husband's health he needs to move out. He is an adult and knows right from wrong. You cannot continue to be his emotional punchbag. It is up to him to get the help and put it into action. You can be there to support him but he has to do the work or nothing will ever change. Hopefully he will learn to identify his triggers and learn to remove himself from situations or to challenge his own mindset when emotional dysregulation begins to take place.
You don't know how good it is to hear someone else is going through the same,not that its a good thing, but to know that it is not just us. I feel he also has a personality disorder but struggling to get him an assessment. The adhd team will only deal with adhd and not check for anything else though adhd is rarely on its own. If only departments would work together and not alone it would help us. They see the patient or speak on the phone once a year and we are left to handle everything after that
Our doctor has been told the situation and asked if I wanted antidepressants to help me, they are not going to help the situation. Urgent adhd appointments before covid was 3 months wait.
Keep plodding on but I have had such a lot of advice and support from my initial post. I am going to collate all info and go through it all when back off my hols. Thanks again.
emotional disregulation is a hard one. Having a word for it and addressing it as such can help. Does he workout? Fitness has been proven to be as or more effective than medication (NOT a replacement.)
he works it fitness training along side customers 6 days a week.
Does my partner have ADHD?
Newly diagnosed, best help?
Non ADHD Spouse of ADHD spouse
Help! Having a hard time with possibility of ADHD :(
