Sometimes I harbor harsh feelings toward my parents for being so involved in their own addictions and issues, that they never noticed the signs of my disorders when I was younger. Could I have prevented 18 years of feeling like I was a failure and like I was a "bad child" and feeling like I was "not normal"? I've experienced ADHD symptoms since my early teens, and most likely before. Looking back the signs were VERY obvious and present, even my family now admits they can look back and see the red flags. I don't blame anyone else for my condition(s). I just wonder why and how they were dismissed or unaddressed so easily. Among ADHD, many other mental and physical health issues have left me feeling stuck in an unbranded box in a room packed full of tagged luggage. My mother suffers from a mood disorder and PTSD. I don't think she could be there as much as she wanted to because of that. My father, despite his own trauma and past, sees mental health as something used as a crutch for selfish and lazy people. My siblings are either unsupportive or unempathetic. I feel like a true black sheep without my wool in a world where people disguise themselves as plush white sheep with their wool hiding the truth.
Hi. I'm Bunny and I suffer from a bad cocktail of around 8 different mental, physical, and psychiatric disorders. All diagnosed years and years too late.
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StuffedBunn
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I don't think you are alone in this. I have many of the same feeling however, I am 50 and so ADHD was hardly recognized in schools let alone my parents being aware of it. I became aware of my ADHD at age 28 and was officially diagnosed when I was about 40. So it is different, in a way. It is hard not to blame parents when we feel like they should have been aware and sought help for us. It is a very hard issue to deal with. My parents were actually fairly high functioning, even though I am 99% sure my dad had it and my mom has some. So I think they just thought I should figure it out on my own. Also consider, I was blessed to have parents that were fairly functional people and I think were, at least, were engaged in parenting and so I was fortunate there. But, it is very difficult to move past the hurt that they should have been more involved and concerned about how I was functioning.
I think I mourn the "what could have been," problem. As I write that I think that I am going to explore the steps of mourning my past and where I could have been and hopefully moving on. I think I have heard that this can be very beneficial. If I find something that is helpful I will send it on this thread.
I still struggle to reach a reasonable level of success due to quitting jobs often. I just learned in the last month about rejection sensitivity and I realize now what has been holding me back. So I am trying to figure out how to move past that.
You sound you have a good grip on what is holding you back. I really mourned. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a senior and due to afib, only one medication could even be tried. It didn't work out due to side effects. I know my life would have been better with earlier diagnosis and treatment. I moved on after mourning because it takes a tremendous of energy to deal with the issues that pop up every day. I can't keep dwelling on the past and expect to deal with today at the same time. I am trying every day, with various levels of success.
Your words definitely struck a chord with me as well. My parents had their own issues (Anger Management, ADD and BiPolar) so my brother and I were neglected after my Mom had her nervous breakdown when I was 12.
Of course, they didn't realize their own issues and could not even begin to address mine. After my own diagnosis with ADHD, I'm researching information and learning as much as I can do so.
Since you don't have support from family, try to get some from either a counselor or friends. We need to make our environment around us fit our lives. You will find people that are kind if you're willing to look. Sometimes that does not include our nuclear family.
I understand that you are mourning, the lost years and never knowing what could have been. You need to learn to process your mourning in a healthy way so you can move on and learn to deal with the present. Unfortunately, untrained strangers on a website cannot help you with this. Please contact a licensed mental health clinician and tell that person that you are mourning a very real loss and ask that that clinician help you learn to move on. Listen to the therapist carefully and try very hard to follow the advice.
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