Thank you everyone for being so helpful and supportive, and answering my question. I Just started taking ADHD medication back in November and have learned so much from this support group, so thank you everyone.
Yesterday I was reading the book Driven to Distraction. I was reading about ADHD and Depression. Everything I was reading sounded just like me. The person he was talking about wasn't suicidal, but just seemed to be a little disinterested in life.
It's odd because when I first went to get help because I was struggling with life and I told him I think I have ADHD the doctor put me on Welbutrin, a depression medication. He said I was depressed and we should address that first. We raised the dose quite a few times and I would always come back and say I think it's helping. But never quite felt sure. I decided to stop taking them all together because they didn't seem to be doing that much good.
Now since taking ADHD medication (Vyvance is what I'm taking) I seem to be doing much better. I told my doctor I think it cured my depression as well. It's not as painful to get to work everyday, and I seem to be able to focus on tasks longer. Most days it feels pretty subtle, and other days I'm like yeah, I think it's really working. And then other days I don't feel like it is doing anything at all. I keep wondering if I need to up the dose. If I skip a day of my meds things get really bad really quick. I get super depressed, and feel like the whole world sucks.
It's interesting because I know what I'm doing for a living is what I want to do, but I never seem to take any satisfaction in it. Life for the most part seems like something you just have to get through. I seem to have little ambition in life. I've always told my wife that I think I would do better if we switched rolls and I was a stay at home mom. Funny, we both work these days but she seems so much more driven and enjoys work even though it is hard and exhausting some days, and some days of course doesn't want to work, which is normal. But it makes her feel accomplished. For me I would rather not work at all. I sometimes wonder if it is just boredom from ADHD and I just need to find some other job. But I can't find anything that would interest me any more than what I'm currently doing.
I have never been suicidal, or wanted to end my life, but I often wouldn't care if I got hit by a bus if it weren't for the family that depends on me. I feel good now that I am able to focus and get more done at work. Before taking ADHD meds I literally called up my boss on a few occasions and told him I quit. Luckily every time he said "why don't you take a couple days off and see if you still feel the same". But now even on ADHD meds when I don't perform well, I seem to get really down. I seem to still get easily distracted and have a hard time getting to the stuff I need to get done. I still get in these negative thinking loops and have a hard time letting ideas go. I feel the happiest and most regulated for the first couple hours after taking my ADHD meds and running (I was only able to start running after starting on ADHD meds by the way). Seems like by about noon things get more difficult, and by about 3:00 or 4:00 I'm pretty sure my ADHD meds have completely worn off. But I seem to do pretty OK for the remainder of the work day.
So now that you know all that, here's a question. And I do plan on talking to my therapist and doctor, just wanted to see how it resonated with people here that have both ADHD and Depression. Does this sound like I need to up my ADHD medication? or maybe I should ask the doctor about going back on to depression medication as well as ADHD meds. I'm now wondering if the reason that the ADHD meds feel like they are kind of working, and I felt similar about the depression meds, is because they are both a part of the puzzle. That these chemicals kind of work off of each other.
Some of the things that seem too lean towards the depression side is that I'm the inattentive ADHD type. No hyperactivity at all. I never felt that happy even as a kid. When I was a teenager I once secretly bought a self help book about finding happiness, but I didn't want my parents or friends to know because it sounded silly. I also seem to still take little interest in most things. I hate planning and going on vacations. Or have a hard time motivating myself to do fun things. Right now I just want to sink all my extra time into Minecraft, but if I do it seems to negatively effect the rest of my life. When I start playing it, I have hard time getting myself to stop, and then work the next day seems unbearable, so I try to limit myself to only Saturdays, and limit the amount of time I play. and then don't play on Sunday so hopefully I can concentrate and do my work come Monday.
Sorry that is a lot of crazy random stuff. I just feel like I'm still trying to enjoy life and not be constantly trying to regulate myself. I also binge pornography from time to time which I'm not proud of. I'm sure it's some type of self soothing, but have struggled for years to break the cycle. Even did a 3 year sex addiction program and have spent a lot of time in a sex anonymous 12 step program. I know it has negative effects on my brain, and keep thinking if I can break the cycle maybe that is the key to everything else. My therapist is helping me with this as well. It was odd because when I was on Wellbutrin it seemed really easy to stay away from it. But the meds also seemed to completely kill my libido. So maybe that's why. But now I'm wondering if that only happened on the higher doses.
So I seem to still easily get distracted, I procrastinate a lot, am driven to compulsive behaviors, and struggle with negative thinking. Meditation helps a lot, mostly with helping me feel calm in the moment and that things are OK even though I struggle. I take cold showers and walk to help reset my central nervous system. I have read tons of books, and have done lots of research. Since taking ADHD meds I seem to be able to do more, but I just feel like so much is still missing. I work so hard on my recovery, but I get so frustrated at times. Maybe depression medication will help, or maybe I just need more therapy, or both. I'm curious if any of this resonates with anyone? Any thoughts or advice is welcome. Just trying to sort my brain out.
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