Overwhelmed

[Uppervalley]

I'm a newbie here. I can't get going on a daily basis because I just don't know where to start. So sometimes don't even get out of bed until noon. I grew up being called "lazy," which thirty years as a successful classroom teacher disproved. Now I'm retired and kind of lost and adrift. So my dominant feelings right now are paralysis and guilt. Is this common if you suspect ADHD? (No formal diagnosis but online inventories revealed 20+ symptoms!)

[Gettingittogether]

Sounds like depression to me, which is extremely common for people with ADHD. Sounds as well as if you've fallen into that hole of "no structure." I get it. When you're deep in that hole, it's hard to take a first step to add some structure, be it a wakeup time or exercise routine or anything.

I'm a teacher as well, and I've fallen into the hole of lack of structure. Used to do that all the time during summer. And forget summer, I teach college and my classes don't meet everyday, and I used to have a devil of a time adding some life and structure on the days I didn't go in to teach. Sounds to me like teaching gave you your structure and you didn't learn how to create structure in the absence of the job. This is a common and frequent problem among people from all professions when they retire. So don't think you're all alone.

So the first problem seems to be lack of structure. But yes, you could have ADHD and ADHD makes it hard to generate structure for sure and over time, you can get disconnected from the vibrancy of life. But ADHD doesn't necessarily lead people to stay in bed. Depression can do that. ADHD and depression frequently go together. I know: great luck among people with ADHD. So yes, get an ADHD diagnosis, but I say also get a depression diagnosis. The depression could block you from taking full advantage of ADHD treatment and vice versa. And yet, you have to (in most cases) treat the conditions separately. Yes ADHD and its frustrations and the way it debilitates ... yes, ADHD can lead to depression. But researchers also think that ADHD people are just vulnerable to depression and thus need to treat the depression separately or in addition to treating ADHD.

Sounds to me that therapy would be great for you--in addition to getting an ADHD diagnosis. You need some structure and in therapy, you and the therapists could set up a gradual plan to add structure to your day and to get up and all of that. Also, the therapist could figure out whether you are depressed or not.

You can feel better and recover some energy. You can. Will take some initial effort on your part but don't make this needlessly hard by trying to this on your own. If over time, your effort doesn't work, that's when going on an antidepressant can help. Sometimes we need the med to get into gear and to help generate some hope.

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to Gettingittogether]

I was trying to think of how to reply to 'Overwhelmed' because I've been there. And occasionally, I still go back there. But, at least for me, the reply from 'Gettingittogether' was right on target. Before my diagnosis, and after, my sister would call me 'Structure Man'. Structure........ gives us control of our lives? Helps to keep our (and The ADHD) Demons away? As well as to help us get what we need to get done.

I know all too well about "paralysis and guilt".

My belief is that most ADHD people are average or above average in intelligence, as you both have shown. You both have a college degree, and it's not because you're lazy or lacking intelligence. You also had to overcome the bureaucracy, and the craziness of college and everyday life. At times in life, 'Spite' has gotten me through many challenges.

For me, with my family dysfunction, etc, I kept getting mentally and emotionally beaten down every day, and I became 'Dumbed Down' (in some families, someone has to be the bad guy, meaning the Scapegoat). This also kills our 'Spirit".

I would follow, or at least try, what Gettingittogether recommends. ADHD and depression (and other psychological problems) go together. I also have to say that my ADHD Rx also acts as a short term anti-depressant.

As for both of you being educators, please let me slide on my grammar and punctuation!

-To Gettingittogether, well said!

-To Overwhelmed, talk to a professional. That being said, there a lot of mental/emotional health professionals who just don't get it, or are not a good match for you. If you find one that you can't talk to, or makes you feel bad or worse-RUN. Find another. And another if you need to. I was 47 when diagnosed and that was by accident. And that was after seeing mental/emotional health professionals on and off for 20 years.

Also, I hope you have at least 1 good friend who 'Gets you'.

Above all else... Never Give Up!

[Gettingittogether in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

OMG, FindingTheAnswers, you are on the double-triple money regarding getting the right therapist. The last time I went to therapist I went through about three or four people before I found someone who was excellent who had tons of experience with ADHD. I wanted to stay in my health insurance network to keep costs down. Well it took some trial and error to find a super-smart therapist. And one I liked. That's key. The person is super-smart and helpful and you like them. Those have to go together.

And Overwhelmed yes, many people go to therapy AND a psychiatrist. I ended a long therapy time a couple of years back, but I went to a psychiatrist all the way through. Actually I now see a psychiatric nurse practitioner for meds.

And Overwhelmed creating structure literally takes practice and trial and error. I'm pretty good at it now. By good, I mean I can wake up on a day with no immediate appointments and get going on some activities that I enjoy. And you can work with the world. I started by scheduling all the appointments I had first thing in the morning--just to get out of bed with some adrenaline. Then I started to spread my classes across as many days as I could--all in the morning. So I used my job schedule for structure and medical-therapy or any kind of appointments for structure.

You can join a class ... or sign up for swimming lessons or whatever ... It takes a while to figure out how busy you have to be to feel like it's a good day. Also it takes some compassion to set up a gradual and incremental plan and to credit yourself with steps. Again, treat that depression because depression tries to scream that all action is useless and futile.

Exercise--exercise any time of day is excellent. Getting off the computer is wonderful. Read real books or magazines and so on. Listening to music can be good ...

You can google "structure" and retirement and you can find a lot of discussion (even from non ADHD people).

[Gettingittogether in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

Your writing is extremely clear. That obsessive grammar stuff is high-school teacher nonsense. Has led to generations of people feeling afraid to write a sentence--for no good reason. If I understand the person, the writing is fine.

[GreenApples123]

Hi. I am fairly new here and more an observer than a writer. Still I feel not alone. This being stated, I share many of your ‘characteristics and background you have described—including that of retired teacher. Had I not had assistants at work to help me for much of my career I would have struggled to no end. Recently I was asked by a close family member, “how did you function at work?” I told her it was extremely hard and I had help. Needless to say I am having a difficult time writing here in such a public forum since I have slowly become introverted and very private. So this response, as much as it would help others, is really hard for me. And of course nothing personally insulting to anyone. Needless to say in responding to you I realize that I have actually written nothing counterproductive. In actuality quite the opposite. I did not see link for creating a private respond (if there is one, because of the adhd, I just moved on to this step). Now mind you and anyone who reads this message, responding privately is not meant insultingly and I well understand the importance of being completely transparent. So I apologize. I guess it is as a result of the introvert I have become. My psychiatrist (who is also an adhder) has told me he is one as well and actually provided me with the “name” of this trait. So even though I am not addressing all of the statements you have expressed I hope you, and anyone who can relate to even a bit of what I have written, finds my words supportive. If there is a way to respond privately, please let me know. Once again—this is difficult for me. Thank you for reading.

Oh, when colleagues finally understood I was rather “unique”, they settled in. Once when I was creating an amazing hall bulletin board, one walked by and said, “you’re crazy.” I responded, “I am not crazy, just eccentric.” I never hid my diagnosis from anyone at work and even was questioned by an administrator why I told a fifth grade class (I worked in that room daily and believe that teacher told her I told the kids) I have adhd when I was “in trouble” because of this I responded, “I am not embarrassed; I want children who struggle with anything to know they are not alone.” People didn’t like her and her true ignorant nature that many knew existed shone out. This was in addition her question one of what I considered one of discrimination. Nothing would have been done anyway in my former district of employ anyway, leader was sitting right there anyway. I just thought I am retiring next year and soon won’t have to put up with this nonsense any longer. Oh, least I forget, she thought of herself an highly intelligent but on all levels I beat her in that category. So I believe she just couldn’t handle it.

[Best_me]

I'm also a newbie here, 60 years old and retired from a local school district but in technology, not teaching. I used to look at teachers in my district and wonder how the HELL they did that job. I couldn't conceive of the motivation and memory that it must take to keep it together in that job - so, kudos to you for having done it for so long.

I *so* looked forward to retirement, with so many plans for things I wanted to do and get done when I finally didn't have to work for someone else, anymore. I did pretty well for a few weeks. I had a "time block" plan for my day to try to hit on things that were important to me, every day.

Then, I noticed myself making excuses for not sticking to that plan, and started feeling really bad about myself, and starting wondering why - and starting to think that maybe I *do* have some kind of ADHD (I've never been diagnosed - putting things off is one of my "symptoms") or other "condition."

I don't feel depressed. I'm still really happy to be retired. But I feel lazy. I feel like I "shouldn't have to" do these things I've laid out for myself (some are chores I want to get better at) so I listen to that childish voice in my head that says "just relax!" And I'm happy to relax. But I don't want to squander the rest of my days relaxing and watching tv and being on the internet - yet I can't seem to stop, now. I feel like I'm avoiding things that I've been looking forward to attacking, and I don't know why.

So I do think that structure is important - it really felt good when I was following my plan. But I think that finding out if the reason I'm NOT following it is ADHD, or something else, will help me understand what's going on. Maybe being diagnosed with it could lead me to coping skills.

I don't meet as many criteria on self-screening questionnaires as you say you do - but your description of "paralysis and guilt" is exactly how I feel, right now.

Sorry - didn't mean to make this about me - I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one in a similar situation experiencing this, and I'll be interested to hear what happens with you.