All my life I've been a shy quiet type, to a pretty extreme extent. I just can't be social. When I was younger, this caused some anxiety and depression, and I was diagnosed with social anxiety. But at the age I am at now, not clubbing and partying doesn't bother me, and I am not anxious in social situations. My experiences are really different from people I've known with social anxiety. Social anxiety is just a really inaccurate diagnosis.
I love being around people. Believe it or not, I like shopping malls at Christmas, because of all the people. I can talk on the telephone, or go to dinner parties. It's not social anxiety.
The problem is that whenever someone starts a conversation in a social setting, my mind just blanks. I don't know how to talk to people. I never know when it's my turn to speak. Lots of people find small talk frustrating, but I can't do big talk either.
My wife always says that if I'm worried about saying the wrong thing, don't be. People appreciate a weirdo. And where they don't, we're too old to care about the reputational cost of giving someone an info dump about dinosaurs. While this is fantastic advice, I don't think it applies. I don't think I am worried about saying the wrong thing. Either that, or it's a deep-rooted subconscious fear that I am not even aware of, and will take some work to root out.
My wife also talks about about how neurodivergent people have a different communication style. But 30 told percent of the population are neurodiverse, and I have never really met my peeps.
When an actual ADHD diagnosis started to look possible, I started to wonder if my mind was just too cluttered for conversation. I wondered if ADHD was the explanation for this. I looked forward to meeting the gregarious new me that would come with medication. But the medication hasn't really uncluttered my mind, I am just more able to work and function in spite of the clutter. So, even if ADHD is the cause, the medication I am on is not the answer.
As much as I may protest that I love being around people, it apparently doesn't read that way. Turns out that my quietness and shyness leads people to assume that I just don't want to be there. Which is no fun for anyone. So, while I was pretty happy, and had made my peace with not being social, I do need to fix this
When I Google this, I see a lot of links and articles about social anxiety, so I still have no insight into what's going on here. I did come across the word "asociality", which is a pretty good fit. Unfortunately, it's helpfulness is limited; saying I am "asocial" is a bit like saying I have a cough. It describes an experience, but says nothing about what's going on inside me.
But ADHD has explained a lot. So, I'd love to know if anyone here has experienced this, or has any first-hand insight. Even if it isn't related to ADHD, anyone have any clues?