Does anyone have any insight into asociality (not social anxiety

[MTA-]

All my life I've been a shy quiet type, to a pretty extreme extent. I just can't be social. When I was younger, this caused some anxiety and depression, and I was diagnosed with social anxiety. But at the age I am at now, not clubbing and partying doesn't bother me, and I am not anxious in social situations. My experiences are really different from people I've known with social anxiety. Social anxiety is just a really inaccurate diagnosis.

I love being around people. Believe it or not, I like shopping malls at Christmas, because of all the people. I can talk on the telephone, or go to dinner parties. It's not social anxiety.

The problem is that whenever someone starts a conversation in a social setting, my mind just blanks. I don't know how to talk to people. I never know when it's my turn to speak. Lots of people find small talk frustrating, but I can't do big talk either.

My wife always says that if I'm worried about saying the wrong thing, don't be. People appreciate a weirdo. And where they don't, we're too old to care about the reputational cost of giving someone an info dump about dinosaurs. While this is fantastic advice, I don't think it applies. I don't think I am worried about saying the wrong thing. Either that, or it's a deep-rooted subconscious fear that I am not even aware of, and will take some work to root out.

My wife also talks about about how neurodivergent people have a different communication style. But 30 told percent of the population are neurodiverse, and I have never really met my peeps.

When an actual ADHD diagnosis started to look possible, I started to wonder if my mind was just too cluttered for conversation. I wondered if ADHD was the explanation for this. I looked forward to meeting the gregarious new me that would come with medication. But the medication hasn't really uncluttered my mind, I am just more able to work and function in spite of the clutter. So, even if ADHD is the cause, the medication I am on is not the answer.

As much as I may protest that I love being around people, it apparently doesn't read that way. Turns out that my quietness and shyness leads people to assume that I just don't want to be there. Which is no fun for anyone. So, while I was pretty happy, and had made my peace with not being social, I do need to fix this

When I Google this, I see a lot of links and articles about social anxiety, so I still have no insight into what's going on here. I did come across the word "asociality", which is a pretty good fit. Unfortunately, it's helpfulness is limited; saying I am "asocial" is a bit like saying I have a cough. It describes an experience, but says nothing about what's going on inside me.

But ADHD has explained a lot. So, I'd love to know if anyone here has experienced this, or has any first-hand insight. Even if it isn't related to ADHD, anyone have any clues?

[addacademic]

From your description, it sounds clear that you want to be more conversational. That's enough for me to set aside the term asocial. It sounds also like you might be an introvert who hasn't felt much of urge to throw yourself into the middle of lovely conversations. If you are definitely ADHD, there could be the added factor that a noisy or wandering conversation is hard to track. It could also be that you simply do not find what they are talking about (or how) interesting whatsoever. People with ADHD are notoriously easily bored.

In any case, what you are missing is clearly this:. Engaging others in conversation that you enjoy is a skill. All skills must be cultivated and practiced. Your best bet as someone with ADHD might be to watch how others jump into a conversation and initiate. Engage others in a topic that interests you. Just pick the topic well for that given person.

[Zenfa]

Most ADHD talk too much, switch topics and bud in. But then, it is possible that the demon takes over when you socialise.

During my journey of figuring things out, I studied NLP (a discipline of applied psychology). I went as far as getting qualified as a trainer. While I cannot speak as a professional. It seems that there is at least one bad experience in your childhood (whether you remember it or not) holding you down.

Get a coach, be it NLP or Psychologist, dig that memory out and make peace with it. Things like your teacher saying, "you are hopeless in making friends." or a girl you like saying, "you will never have friends".

Then work on the present, strategies on how to cope, basics of reading rapport, etc. You problem is not just hardware, it is more of a software problem.

I had lots of social issues and I still do, still working on mine. Keep me posted.

[MTA- in reply to Zenfa]

NLP, huh? I have heard of that. I have a lot of issues which (occam's razor) are relayed to childhood trauma, but I just can't root out what particular trauma it was, or what the connection is. You're saying that NLP can help with that?

[Zenfa in reply to MTA-]

Yes, i am recommending NLP. I studied under Robert Dilts, he is great. Well, it is often hard to see the problem when you are in the problem.

About finding the root, a short few steps are:

1) Amplify your trouble feeling. 2) gradually wind back in time till you find it. 3) imagine you watching yourself. 4) make peace. What ever you heard or experience, as an adult self looking back. It will look like a over reaction. You emphasize with the reaction....

Then excercise 2 would be remember a time when you feel great in having a conversation, remember the difference in feeling, posture, etc, ad train yourself to get into quickly during conversation.

3rd excercise would be strategies when thebfear kicks in.

Hope this helps.