Since I was a kid, I was always labelled as someone really passionate, kind, a gentleman, but after the initial impression, I was found as someone not worth of confidence, lazy, not steady in my choices.
Now, I am 45 years old and looking back, I can see a bunch of cycles in my life, where I ended up in existential crisis, not being able to thrive on anything (dating, courses, degree, etc.). In my mind, suddenly I had the feeling that I'd chosen the wrong path, so I started a new one, over and over... You can imagine how a neurotypical person judges me.
So I'd struggled all my life, doing anything to be accepted, then, after sometime, feeling used, stupid and very often ashamed of my choices. So the cycle resets...
But I am tired of not finding my place, of people labelling me as a loose cannon, as a Jack of all trades with no persistence. A wasted promise. Too much potential with too little achievement.
Right now, after many exhaustive attempts in life, I am in a management position in my job, and I fight everyday against the demons of impostor syndrome and difficulties to carry out boring tasks. I am always depleting my energy level, trying to hide those “character failures” from my peers and my team.
I have a degree in Engineering, two post-degree courses and I'm finishing an MBA, but I am really pondering on the idea of joining a psychological degree, as it will enable me in my dream of helping adults with ADHD/ADD.
I feel like as if all that I've studied or learned until now is lost, wasted. Deep down I known this is not true! But, it is difficult to deal with this, as I have the same level of intensity on both feelings: 1 – rejection and impostor syndrome and 2 – eagerness to help people.
I don't have friends; It is just my wife and I. She really tries hard to keep the pace up with me and to not let me make more stupid choices. So, I am praying and pondering over this new plan of mine. I cannot waste my life and my marriage.
To end this text (sorry for some English mistakes): I have faith, and I think that when we unite and really care for each other, we can thrive to a better tomorrow.
I will be glad to hear about your story and thoughts.