Do any of you struggle with self-sabotage and/or have tips on how to get better at not doing this?

[Hope285]

Hi all,

I hope this message finds you well and I look forward to being a part of this online community. I thought I would include a bit about me below to hopefully help you understand where I’m coming from and hopefully make even one person feel less alone.

I am a young adult in college. I always had ADD without the hyperactivity. Although the actual attention part of my ADD is barely even something I notice about myself anymore (because I have a job that suits my level of multitasking) my self-esteem as a student is lower than what I would like it to be. I’m trying not to self-sabotage, but I’m finding it difficult not to do so because I know that my ego still identifies with being a bad student. Therefore, I think I sometimes self-sabotage because if I start doing better then I feel like I’m not really ‘me’ anymore. Also, I think my place is a mess because my room was a mess when I was a kid. Therefore, if my place starts to get more organized I start to feel like I’m not ‘me’ anymore and so I end up making it messy again because even though I don’t like living in a messy (just clutter-filled) place, I don’t feel like myself without the clutter. I really would like to change my ways and hopefully start to feel better about myself. I’m wishing everyone on this site the best and I’m hoping to connect with anyone who has similar struggles, has gotten better at managing these struggles, and advice from anyone willing to give it in a constructive way. If you’ve made it this far, thank you!

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Hope285,

Thankyou for sharing.

I'm not currently diagnosed but at this point I'm sure I have this. (I'm diagnosed Autistic and it's very rare for there not to be a comorbid condition, like ADHD, which I can relate to.)

I've been feeling like I do this a lot - holding myself back or even self sabotaging and it's frustrating because it isn't what I really want.

But it's also very subconscious and I think it's my brain's way of trying to protect me in some illogical way.

I'm guessing we've both become very good at tolerating clutter, etc., but even though we can tolerate it, I believe that we both deserve better than this. We deserve to be in an environment where we're truly comfortable and can thrive, rather than one we just tolorate.

I don't have much advice because I'm trying to figure this out too... although regarding clutter specifically, there is a really useful (and short) video on YouTube about dealing with clutter when you have ADHD.

The channel is called How To ADHD, and it might be a good starting point.

The lady in the video even pointed out you may not know what kind of environment or decor you prefer, because you're so used to living in amongst clutter.

So you're not alone. The lady running the channel has ADHD herself and this is something she has trouble with, but she was sharing her experience with the help she received (the people who gave her help also contributed to the video, and there's a worksheet attached that might help).

I hope we can both get out our own way from thriving.

I believe we can still be "us" but very much the best version of us, without the negative side of ADHD impacting us from thriving, and in fact where we harness the best part of being ADHD.

We're all different and therefore we'll have different approaches. So keep doing you, just aim for your best you. 😊

Xx

[DefinitionReclaimed]

I'm not aware of any self-sabotoging behavior currently, but your post just triggered a childhood memory for me. I remember having more trouble learning to tie my shoes than the other kids my age (which ADDitude Magazine explains here: additudemag.com/trouble-tyi... ). My family kept trying to show me the steps, but I just kept getting tripped up on one particular step again and again. One time, I successfully made it beyond that one tricky step that eluded me for so long, and I was just one step away from doing it successfully. My family got excited, and enthusiastically encouraged me to complete the last step. But instead, I froze up. I realized that I had no I idea how I managed to finally do that one tricky step, and therefore would be unable to reproduce that success on demand. I got so scared of setting my family's expectations of me too high and inevitably disappointing them that instead, I just pulled my hands away without even trying the last step. The shoelaces fell limp, and my family was just mildly disappointed.

Don't know if weird ADHD childhood memories are helpful at all to your current struggles, but there you go. 🙂

[jonghee]

I have struggled with this a lot and have found it to be deeply rooted in the subconscious. The best thing for dealing with self sabotage is a strong support system. Not everyone has one, so the next best thing is education - talking with a therapist and researching the thought patterns and reasons we feel like tanking things. Time has helped me, but I still suffer from it. It's like that scene in Austin Powers where the security guard doesn't get away from the zambonie that 50 ft away and keeps getting warned. A lot of it is rooted in low self esteem and self loathing, topics that a therapist could best help you with talking through.

[hyperloop]

Hi Hope285,

sorry, this is all a bit jumbled and I don't really have time to make it clearer, but I wanted to respond because I've spent my whole life self sabotaging, in every possible way.

I sabotaged my studies, my career, my marriage, my physical and mental health, etc, etc. I've been very lucky in that I've had some second chances and managed to accomplish some things, but I could have done a lot more. In particular, I have no family and I regret that.

I experienced physical and emotional abuse as a child, then I was a very angry teen and I engaged in self harming and other risky stuff like heavy drinking, drugs, street fighting and dangerous driving. I had other issues in my childhood, including several surgeries and a road accident, but I link the abuse and the rebellion to my ADHD, which was only diagnosed recently (in my 60's). I'm reasonably calm these days, but I still have ongoing problems with alcohol.

I draw a direct parallel between self harming, substance abuse and self sabotage. I think they're all part of a defensive attitude I developed for self protection, specifically a strategy to avoid situations where I might fail or appear inadequate.

Ironically, I think this strategy has a lot in common with perfectionism, especially when it involves an inability to complete tasks. Reluctance to be judged by other people is the heart of it.

I also think it has it's roots in childhood trauma. I suspect my ADHD was instrumental in my abuse and that, since then, it's been complicated and intensified by (undiagnosed) PTSD. My abuse included a couple of serious physical assaults, which still make my skin prickle when I think of them now, decades later. That's my body storing stuff forever, so it's still affecting my emotions.

Despite everything, I've been quite successful in some domains of life, including engineering and mountaineering. I think both of these share one thing: the standards are completely objective, and don't involve being judged. Mountains don't care if you live or die, so you have to perform, for survival's sake. It's not a competition. Similarly with engineering, in the area I work in, stuff either works or it doesn't. It's subject to very careful performance analysis and it doesn't matter what people think of it subjectively, all that matters is the numbers.

So, I think self sabotage is closely related to all of this. It's another way of avoiding judgement, by failing first, before any judgement can occur. It's also a very harsh kind of self appraisal, in which you always come up wanting. If there's a risk you might succeed, it has to be undermined.

That's about the best I can explain it. I'd be interested to know if any of this resonates with your experience (or anyone else's). Especially the role of childhood abuse.

Finally, I agree with jonghee, about it being subconscious and about the possibility that therapy might help. However, there's a caveat: I spent a lot of money on therapy, thinking I was depressed. I suspected for a long time that I had ADHD, but therapists and others scoffed at the idea, based on the fact that I have advanced degrees. (I also have a high IQ, which made study possible despite the attention problems). Now, I'm only just realising that PTSD probably played a role in my maladaptive behaviours! In fact, it's probably the real problem. I don't consider ADHD a 'disorder' as such, and I hate the fact it has that name. I prefer to think of it as a superpower. The worst thing about it is that it made my childhood, especially my school life, very difficult.

So, if I were getting therapy now, I'd look for treatment of the PTSD, for which there are some very interesting options. One is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and the other is MDMA (the drug Ecstasy) assisted therapy.

Of course, trauma may not be playing any role at all in your self sabotage, but I do think self sabotage is a coping mechanism and a strategy to avoid failure in the eyes of others. I think it has its roots in some kind of emotional injury. I think the way to get past it is to find ways to heal emotionally. This doesn't have to include raking up muck from your past, which can be traumatic in itself. I've mentioned my own past because it's been a kind of detective story for me, looking for clues. I now know that stuff is still affecting me. I have no wish to hang on to it but, until I knew it was affecting me, I couldn't get past it either.

To be honest, the things that have been most healing for me have been some Buddhist practice and getting into nature.

Sorry, that was a lot more than I intended to write!

[Hominid711]

The neuropsychologist who helped diagnosing me mentioned compassion focused therapy

researchgate.net/publicatio...