The stories we tell ourselves cut deep. The Ancient Greeks created myths to understand concepts they couldn't comprehend but also couldn't ignore. The kidnapping of Persephone, for example, was (of course!) the reason for season changes. Ancient minds needed something that could explain the experiences they had that they could not understand. So they created stories to unburden themselves.
Growing up, I was convinced I was not smart enough. However, I was smart enough to know that "smart" was at the top of my (family's) list of highly valued qualities. And so I began most of my elementary days telling myself, "Today I'm going to do it! I'm going to pay attention and learn like all the other kids." Somehow, though, when the teacher concluded the lesson or set us free to do an activity or assignment, I most always found myself lost and in a panic–scanning the room, attempting to catch on to the critical information I had clearly missed, again. This was my Groundhog's Day. And because it was so familiar, it didn't feel particularly mystical or inexplicable. I didn't need an imaginary friend or the aid of Persephone and Hades to help me understand what was going on. I knew I was trying my best regularly and I knew I was failing just as often. The explanation was simple. I wasn't a smart person. Somehow, I simultaneously managed to convince myself that I wasn't smart enough and, despite my best efforts, that I could also try harder. The stories we tell ourselves cut deep.
Although I was eventually able to prove my intellectual worth during a second round of undergrad, my childhood struggles have never left me. Adulthood has afforded me the language and perspective my youthful naiveté withheld. Over the years, I've taken detailed inventory about what specifically has held me back and repeatedly undermined my efforts to prove, once and for all, that I am capable and valuable. I've asked myself why things that seem to come easily to so many make me feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Why do I have a hard time doing the things I say I want to do, managing my time wisely, remembering in the moment (and out), regulating my emotional responses, paying attention when it's necessary, and following through consistently? I have spent 37 years getting to know my struggles intimately and wracking my brain for clues that might indicate why things feel SO HARD, SO OFTEN. Consistently coming up short for an explanation, I did what any what any Ancient Grecian would do. I created myths–born from narratives I constructed to make sense of my struggles–and at the end of each myth was a moral of the story in the form of a damaging core self-belief. The stories we tell ourselves cut deep.
Late last month I was diagnosed with ADHD and it was life-altering.
It has been affirming to say the very least. Sometime last year I had come to the conclusion that something was "just wrong with me." I had been swimming against the current for as long as I could remember–fielding unintentionally wounding questions from friends and family on a regular basis. "How have you been?" "What are you doing?" "Still?" "You're running behind?" "What's wrong?" "Couldn't you just try harder?" Believing there was something wrong with me on cellular level has not been hard to do. And now I know. I was right! Kind of. I did not imagine my struggles. They were and are real. My diagnosis has affirmed this for me, ironically granting me some peace. The chemical makeup of my brain is atypical and I do have these symptoms. Fortunately, this journey has also taught me that having these symptoms does not mean that I am these symptoms.
It's going to take so much intentional, hard work to replace my personal myths with a more authentic narrative. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. Our internal messaging is directly connected to the realities we are living and my diagnosis does not relieve me from my struggles. But I do feel liberated to reflect on my past with grace, attempt to view my present self through a more accurate lens, and to look to my future with hope. When we know better we can do better. And I now feel empowered, more than I ever have, to connect with people who understand, educate myself as much as possible, take time to practice applying what I learn, and to remind myself that I do not need to earn my worthiness. The stories we tell ourselves don't have to cut deep. I am not my symptoms and we are all independently worthy.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD at 35
New diagnosis- Not sure if my medication is working for me
My Partner and I Cannot Seem to Get on the Same Page with My Son
Diagnosis or no diagnosis? 
The effects of ADHD on my self image
