I feel alone in a full room..

[RayAdam]

I was diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety within the past 1-2 years. I've always felt I had a hard time keeping up in all aspects of my life. A promotion came up unexpectedly and I applied, thinking I wasn't qualified of course and I wouldn't get the job. I ended up getting the job and that's when I knew for sure something was wrong. Tested a few therapist unsuccessfulIy. I dont trust them. The experiences I've had with therapy/ finding a therapist makes me feel worse. I gave up. My family sucks.. my boyfriends family is amazing though. Eryone gets it and my entire life is slowly burning to the ground. Pretty sure I'm getting fired soon and its hurts because I feel guilty for letting my boss down and I know he's tried to help and not make me feel inadequate.. Facts don't lie though, and I'm embarrassed I even tried to get the job. He really tried to help me and give me a chance. I'm realistically hopeless.. I know I won't be successful in life, I feel it. I have NO marketable skills, 30+, black (gay, ugh..), no degrees, and of course ADHD + all that entails, living in LA/America. There is no reason for me to pretend complete happiness and success are possible and today, and I accept that. I don't want to hurt myself or anything, but often I wish I really would disappear. Like I never happened at all.. I don't want anyone to feel pain or remorse for losing me, I want to have never been here..

[wtfadhd]

Hey RayAdam,

My circumstances are different but i have definitely felt the way you do right now. My guess is that most people in this group can relate as well.

I am wondering why you do not trust therapist at all?

With ADHD, doesnt really matter how educated, successful, etc that a person is- we seem to all fall in that pit of despair you are describing. ADHD is a frustrating diagnosis!!!! The emotional dysregulation is a freaking beast. I think our best bet is to research n learn all we can bout ADHD, connect with others, and surround yourself with people who love you, even if they dont completely understand you.

Keep posting!

[nothankyoucards]

Hang in there. One project at a time. You were hired because you have skills they need. You can do this. Call a friend you trust to check-in at noon and five daily about your progress. Get outside to walk or exercise daily to take edge off and boost dopamine and endorphins. You got this!

[Snowsunli]

Been there a few times! It is incredibly depressing at times, to live with ADHD, not to mention the anxiety....thinking you will be fired is terrifying every day-I really feel for your struggle!!!!!

I think the right therapist can definitely help! I too took a long break from trying to find the right person to talk to...it’s a freaking rollercoaster! Being vulnerable and then disappointed... i was feeling suicidal after trying to cope solo for a lifetime... my Bf actually made the call for me cuz he was so worried. LUCK!!!!!! That’s all it is, finally i found someone who seemed to understand, care, have valuable tools and insights. I did it on the phone, which I have read is sometimes the best way for add’ers, since we have lass distraction and more flexibility to move etc. On the phone- i take notes....didn’t even know what the therapist looked like for 5 months.

Maybe you can ask trusted people to recommend someone or even ask them to set up a first “Chemistry call” with them to see if they are a fit with you ( so important) Maybe someone in the LGBTQ’s+ community.

The most important thing I got from therapy was improved self esteem. This is too much for you to carry alone. Letting someone in is the first step in wading through to some peace and joy.....which you will get to!

My hunch is that you are a talented , wonderful person with so much to contribute to your Chosen family and the world.

Don’t give up, this is not your fault!

Sending all the best wishes to you in this struggle! 💜

[Zephira]

Can absolutely relate - I struggle socially because inside I have 100s of conversations ongoing, including myself mentally in those I overhear, but my other conditions make it hard and unnatural for me to engage. And I have to force it, like I put on a mask just to function in the context of “normal” space. But it takes so much energy away from the things I like doing, so when I’m working, I can only focus on work, and if I let go of that I’m afraid I’ll feel inadequate.

[Shirleytaps]

Hi RayAdam, I've been there myself, imposter syndrome. Start small. Read a book, Fast Minds or The Adult ADHD Tool Kit for some quick starter tips. And please don't expect to solve it all at once. You are valuable and you bring something to the table or you wouldn't have gotten the promotion. Wishing you all the very best.

[MiddleAgeMan]

I am a 58 year old man who has been diagnosed and treated for 30 years, so I know the ADHD challenges. What stood out to me in reading your post was the reasons that you give to justify not being loved.

I Have six adult children around your age. Our oldest son is gay and our youngest daughter is black. We love them more than I can describe in words. We love them as much as the rest of the kids. All of our kids have various things that they struggle with because they are human beings. It doesn't make them less lovable. What you are missing is the family that you deserve, that everyone deserves. Even a black gay guy who struggles with feeling untalented.

I use to live near LA and I kind of feel like that could be part of the problem. I have lived in many states (mostly in the middle of the country) and trust me, LA is the coldest least kind place I have ever been and I have been all over the world.

And by the way, my family all live in Ohio and yes, even my gay and black kids. Nobody cares about that stuff. There are lots of gay and black people in every state and it just doesn't have to matter that much. Being gay or black doesn't define them. Being loved and appreciated by lots and lots of people is much more defining.

My Advice is to find a kind relative in the mid-west and talk to them about relocating. I could be wrong but I think pretty much everyone has extended family somewhere. You just never know what you will find, unless you don't even try so try.

I needed a fresh start once, many years ago and it sounds like what you need.

You are definitely a totally lovable person, even if you haven't discovered it yet.

All anyone ever really wants is to be loved, so seek family love first or the hope of romantic love is will never work. It can only work when you love yourself and that is what family does for each other.

[Hidden in reply to MiddleAgeMan]

Spot on MiddleAgeMan! I wish I had one loving person who had one iota of the love you have, in my family! Not being loved/not feeling loved is the core of it all. and if one can find self-love it makes it easy to find and see love that others have or can have as well. Support is so important. I can see so much of it here.

[Hidden]

Dear RayAdam, If there is one thing that you have and that you may not have realized by now, is you have courage. Courage to explain your situation! When I read all the wonderful replies to your post, they warm my heart. I can only imagine what you are going through. However let me give you some possible insight. I feel I must always explain that I was diagnosed last fall at the age of 56. I was fired or quit jobs. Now that I have therapy and know that I am not alone, I realized that I had all the qualities and skills (more than many) to keep all of them. No matter the good feedback anybody gave me my low self-esteem sabotaged all aspects of my life. I felt that I was a fraud. I mean it must be marked on my forehead how inadequate I really was, right? I did not see that I cleaned other peoples houses with my hyper-focused precision. I polished everything. They must have seen that horrendous, HUGE speck I missed although in reality it was microscopic. I cooked the most awesome, healthy delicious meals, invented great recipes, for others. Oh but I would live in my clutter and eat junk food, neglect myself when alone. Procrastinating to the last minute on projects and deadlines. Then, I would spend days hyper-focused, forgetting to eat, on artwork as a gift, never satisfied when I gave it because of one teeny tiny splotch that surely everyone saw? The amount of energy spent on one task was so exhausting because I was never satisfied because surely it was done wrong? Now tell me in all that I have written that does not resonate one iota with your turmoil? Oh yes my self-esteem gets in the way but now I have coping skills! I finally found a therapist for ME. Yes it took a while. The outreach worker was there when I started my medication and knew how desperate and how I could no longer survive the way I did. She found someone who specialized in ADHD and also found out that this person used singing as a form of therapy. I have a unique voice ( I keep being told that) and singing has been part of me all my life. Surely, RayAdams, there is/will be someone that can help you with your needs. Hold on to that right now. It took me almost a lifetime because in my case, ADHD was only recognized in the last what, 30 odd years? Now, there are amazing therapists and therapies. If anyone reads this I hope that they can see it is possible. I only share my story and write about ME (It always seems self-centered) because I hope it can encourage you or anyone to find the support and help required. It is so important to accept oneself, with quirks and yes, the qualities we have refused/refuse to see. You do have many! You shine without knowing it! Everyone here shines, on good days and bad ones too! Good luck, RayAdams!

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Hello Ray,

Sounds like you're in a pretty negative spiral. I get it. I feel like I'm at the bottom right now too. I'm living with my ex and will be changing positions in my new job after one year because I was flailing and not meeting expectations. Luckily my manager was awesome and this new change should hopefully fit my skillset better.

I'm concerned that your depression might not be in check and might be taking over yourself talk. It's probably a good time to check in with whoever is managing your antidepressants if you're taking any, or to talk with your primary care or psychiatrist about adjusting or starting, or just what's going on and how you're feeling. It's really hard to make progress when your brain's not working right. I really good friend of mine who has depression recommended getting a cognitive behavioral therapy workbook and said that it was really helpful for her and for her boss who also struggles with depression and had recommended it to her. Of course with my ADD, I bought the book but haven't started it yet. I'm also bi, 40, and was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I've struggled with numerous jobs due to not meeting expectations because of my issues with focus & time management. While it's easy to be hard on yourself, it doesn't help. I've had really shitty managers and currently I have a really great one. I was actually really surprised that she took the time to try and find a better fit for me at work. And I'm so grateful. If your manager likes and believes in you enough to promote you, they hopefully also can help you at work with either smoothing out the details of your position or maybe transitioning into a different role.

I'm sure you've heard the same that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. When something's not working well at work, I try harder, but I struggle at trying differently. I know I don't have all the tools I need to be a more effective person, so that's why I'm here on this site as well as taking meds and seeing a therapist to work on executive functioning. I also asked for a psychiatrist referral because I don't feel that my current psych nurse practitioner is great at his job, and I think my meds could be dialed in better.

Another thing that I've been told is really important, especially for us with ADD, is to make sure you get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I'm terrible at this, but I'm definitely more functional when I'm well rested.

It's hard work, but we have one life to live and we are worth the work it takes to get to a happier and higher functioning state.

Hang in there. As Dan Savage says:

"It gets better"

[mcfail]

ok so lets just say the promotion was maybe too big a step for you just now. how bout refocusing on what you were doing before - either at your workplace or elsewhere? To say you have no marketable skills seems "off" - clearly you did something that caught your boss' imagination, that made him think highly enough of you to promote you!. So relook at that role....build more experience or look at a different direction to move in given your skills and interests. Its not about failing or falling down....most of us experience that at SOME point...its about saying something like 'wow - ok what's next?' Learn from it, take the good and move on...chances are that there's an adventure right around the corner (spoken like a true ADHD'er)...dance like nobody is watching

[Greece752]

ME TOO. Thanks for saying what I often feel.