Pain and suffering

[mcfail]

Hi I’m new to the site and wondering if others are experiencing spousal frustration and blame. I have difficulty remembering “ to- do” tasks and get distracted very easily leaving jobs unfinished , missing appointments or agr is d upon things like a coffee date or an appointment - even though I look forward to them. I recently retired from an exec position with one of the big 5 Canadian banks. One might be amazed at that because according to my wife I’m inattentive irresponsible undependable and not much of a husband father or man. Tired of being demeaned ordered around corrected dismissed etc. Anybody else out there experiencing this stuff?

[Hidden]

Hey Mcfail, I completely understand where you are coming from. You are not alone! Are you being treated for ADHD? Have you researched Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? If you’re not being treated, then that is your first step in healing your marriage. As for your wife, she is mostly likely frustrated and hurt. This takes time to heal and doesn’t just go away overnight.

If you are being treated for ADHD and still having issues then you need to adjust your medications or switch them. Also, you should seek a marriage counselor to help you both heal old wounds and move on. The past can do a lot of harm to the present and future if left to linger and not dealt with properly. Sometimes just seeing a counselor a hand full of times can make the biggest change in your life. Don’t give up and always be willing to learn and grow as a person.

Feel free to message me anytime. I don't mind helping where I can.

[mcfail in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the thoughts Dred. No meds yet. I’m just starting with counselling at this point. The meds will be coming along soon I suspect. Seeing the doctor soon.

[Hidden]

Hi, mcfail!

Oh, yes. I've been where you are and it's such a painful place ... for everyone. This kind of dynamic is unhealthy for the identified adult 'loser,' a couple, their children, extended family, and friends. It impacts many areas of one's life, including mental, emotional, physical, and financial health; and work. Heck, it can make everything worse.

For 22 years, I was married to a power perfectionist. One of the reasons why I married him was that I thought he would help me navigate life in a more manageable way. Oops! What I experienced instead was 24/7 shaming, berating, and overall emotional and financial abuse. It got so bad that I became paralyzed in almost every aspect of my life.

I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD just three years ago. How I wish my ADHD had been spotted when I was in grammar school. But, it was the 1960s, and the kids typically called out for 'behavior problems' (likely ADHD) were boys. Girls were taught to be 'good,' so we were off the radar into adulthood.

While I look like a high-functioning person in the outside world, I rely on workarounds and become overwhelmed and unmotivated easily. I wasted years wondering what was wrong with me. Why was followthrough so hard?!

I now understand my negative inner dialogue, lack or overabundance of focus, forgetfulness, and difficulty with directions and planning. I am learning to understand my unique brain and let go of shame. I take my medication every day and use lots of ADHD hacks.

Another part of the dynamic in my marriage was my husband's severe untreated mental illnesses. I knew things were way off, but I internalized his anger and took the punishment. Had I been diagnosed with ADHD at some point during our 22 years of marriage, I would not have so much to work through now.

We went to couple's therapy off and on. At every session, he blamed me for our problems. Every. Single. One. The visits invariably ended with me promising to be better organized. Ugh.

It got so bad that my very well-paid husband consistently called my father asking for money. Because I was such a 'child' and 'slacker,' we were on the verge of homelessness. Um ... no .... My dad saw through the game and refused him every time.

When I look back on the situation, I congratulate myself for major achievements that my husband either never acknowledged or verbally pooped on. For instance, I worked unbelievably hard in our marriage to single-handedly buy our home. I increased my earning potential and rose to senior-level jobs. I won advertising awards and helped turn companies into leading brands. I paid bills on time ... almost all of the time.

My proudest achievement? Raising two fierce and talented daughters.

You are in a tough spot. My marriage ended (Thank God!), but yours may improve with the right therapy (couple's and individual), medication, and support from a variety of resources, including online chats such as this one.

You are not alone. The world needs you! People like us have so much to bring to the party. We are inventive, original, people-loving, creative, curious, energetic, adventurous, multi-faceted, and flexible problem solvers and risk takers.

Is it surprising that a vast percentage of us are entrepreneurs? Not at all. Just ask Sir Richard Branson. Originals such as Justin Timberlake. Solange Knowles, Michael Phelps, Emma Watson, Terry Bradshaw, and Lisa Ling say they owe their success to having ADHD.

I'll wrap up this long response (Pardon my hyperfocus.) with this:

Be good to your bad self.

[mcfail in reply to Hidden]

Hi Metahari. Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement - and bravo on raising your daughters so well. Thanks for reminding me of the positives of ADHD ie creative problem solvers etc. I’m working on the skills development to manage the “challenges” side of it. The future is bright right? Isn’t that also a benefit of ADHD - optimism ( warranted or not LOL)

[GatsbyCat in reply to Hidden]

Wow! Just wanted to say how proud you should be of yourself and your amazing two fierce daughters!! Good to have those wonderful accomplishments. Love that self esteem!! Something that I desperately need to get back...

Best~

GatsbyCat

[JohnnyQ]

Yes!!! I am experiencing the same, 51 married since 2011 been with her from 2007.

I have always had ADHD but now at 51, I really need to take a serious look at it. Would love to chat and share info.

[mcfail in reply to JohnnyQ]

Hey Johnny - do you find yourself missing appointments/forgetting meetings dates etc? IF you have a management skill that works I'd love to hear it. I have taken anger management and counselling (DBT) for Dialectic disorder - basically over reacting or miss-reacting to situations - and how to manage it. It REALLY helped.

In other news...I never recognized the impulsiveness aspect/symptom of ADHD (just read about it tonight) - the impatience in crowds, slow walkers, exact change Grannies at the checkout ("now where is that nickel? I'm sure I have one here somewhere"), elevators, traffic, red lights - OMG the number of times I've changed routes to avoid red lights!!!!

I'm also trying to learn / understand the connection if any, between ADHD and leaving things around losing keys wallet etc etc etc....any clues out there from anyone?

[GatsbyCat in reply to mcfail]

Hey, McFail~

I can relate to losing things.... I'll put my sunglasses in purse, then forget they were put in there. I put my shoes in closet or under the bed... where are my shoes?? Yes, the list can go on and on and on....

But I digress! Recently found the e-newsletter Get Organized from Maria. All kinds of good ideas in them. She recommends having a "landing" spot when you come home... A console table or storage table in your living room or entry way with a nice bowl for wallets, change, key's etc.... Use it every day, and stuff like that doesn't get lost. It's like a little routine for those items...

Hope this helps you some.. Best wishes on your awsome journey of life.

Best

GatsbyCat

[Hidden]

As a fellow adult with ADHD, there is one hope that I wish to convey to my fellow tribe members - there is hope! Hope that people with Executive Function challenges, no matter what demographic, can live productive and fulfilling lives without having to be 'normal.' There are many resources available for adults with ADHD, but make sure the people you work with specialize in ADHD (or hire someone who does.) There are some common pitfalls that can be avoided when we are aware of them, but ADHD shows up differently in each of our lives so 1 on 1 ADHD coaching or therapy, and becoming a member of an ADHD support group, are immensely helpful. Also, given that your wife is so frustrated, would she consider working with an ADHD aware marriage coach? I am not a marriage coach, but could get you some names.

You are in the right place, Johnny. Welcome to the tribe, and congratulations on taking your first steps to healing. I will reach out to you on a private channel. Warmly, Will.

[Wildbrain]

There are plenty of us in the same situation as you. This group is great with regular post about marriage. I have also listened to the audiobook “The ADHD effect on marriage” and recommend checking out adhdmarriage.com. I never expected there would be so many resources available.

For me it started with the realization that I may actually have ADHD. It completely baffled me since I thought I function well enough at work, in a management position, was self sufficient before marriage, and just generally never heard complaints from anybody about my behavior. Until I was married and my wife’s animosity grew from year to year until she threatened with divorce at now 10 years of marriage. I accepted I may have something to work on, saw a shrink, and started taking meds. Now about 1/2 year later I feel like there may be some hope It looks like progress is more dependent on my own motivation (and my wife’s) than anything else. My wife is tired enough of me that it’s not easy to motivate her. But just the diagnosis has had some impact as well her her seeing me actually work on it.

[mcfail in reply to Wildbrain]

Self and spousal/team motivation and follow up are key for sure....and a history of inaction or not following through make it even tougher to "believe" in yourself or for other to believe and invest in you. - That's My situation.... I say I'm doing "x" and she says ya - for how long?! - Fair enuff, lots of false starts, dropped balls etc. Its tough enough to do something new and establish consistent behaviour, let alone doing it when consistency and follow through ARE the problem as in ADHD. I'm just starting this new process so I no diddly but seems to me that accepting it as real, and then taking ONE small thing and repeating it/making it a habit will improve the quality of life for you both and help heal past hurts and build trust going forward. Also as my therapist suggests... communicate about feelings - both of you and celebrate small victories. Stick with it Wildbrain!!!!

[Wildbrain in reply to mcfail]

Thanks! I wish you lots of energy to keep working on this over months and years. I definitely saw my initial motivation go up and down on this over the past months. Joining forums like this, and getting the notifications of new posts specifically, helps remind me that this is something I actually care about and want to work on though. Hope you find good advice and encouragement.

[Jselwocki]

Hi McSucceed 👋🏻

Marriage is tough for people without ADHD. If you add the demons your spouse is fighting behind the scenes it could get ugly. I know this scenario all to well. I ended up going to a seminar with Melissa Orlov ( who also made her way through the struggles of having an ADHD effected marriage and almost calling it quits) she helped my wife understand my struggles but most importantly helped me realize that all the struggles I’m having are also having an effect on her. This all led me to think very honestly about how well I’m managing my ADHD. I mean let’s face it we all have been to the point of giving up on hobbies because they become too much... the same went for my treatment plan I sort of gave up on it leaving my wife to pick up the pieces. I like Melissa because she really emphasizes the importance of both people in the relationship needing treatment. Sorry so long. It’s been such a crazy few years in my marriage and this seminar was the catalyst for getting back the happiness we lost through untreated/under treated ADHD. PM anytime I can get you that info