I don't know where to start. I love my wife so much and don't want to lose her. We've been together for almost 12 years married for 9 and have 4 kids. I don't know how to explain/express what I'm feeling and when I do it sounds good to me but comes off rude or selfish. I hate being told how I feel, what I can/can't do, or what I'm thinking. I ask her not to and she doesn't and I get pissed say hurtful things or yell. I'm working on me I truly am. I got a diagnosis and treatment for my ADHD, quit smoking and drinking, and started taking care of myself. I am open with my feelings I try to be calm and not overreacte but fall short sometimes. When I've got my mind set on doing something she'll ask me what I'm doing. No big deal except for me it is. I don't know why but I lose it. "I don't need to tell you everything I'm doing!" Always mad and usually yelling. I try walking away when I feel myself boiling and it's"running away". I would be lost without her and never want to lose her. I feel like as the years go by I am. I currently dip tobacco and did before we dated. She hated it, most do, and so I do it at work but use spitless at home most of the time. I unfortunately wouldn't say I was doing this. I didn't want a lecture and I enjoy it. I truly want to quit in the future but it's hard. It took me 7 years to quit smoking and I wanted to quit! We don't have friends we regularly hang out with, I have none. I play online videogames with a couple guys and work to only do it a day or two a week. I'm bad about getting consumed in things and could do it forever. She knows this and lets me play but will get to a point of you have to get off now. I know why she does it but I get pissed. I've been better at just saying ok and finishing up. I let her go shop with friends or alone in stores kids try to destroy or distract us in. I'll have days off where she is gone for 8 hours and I have the kids. She's a stay at home superhero so I don't mind plus I love my kids. I'll clean up and then play some days it's only a couple hours if the house is bad or I need to mow or something. Others I'll get in my world for 7 hrs and know it's my bad. When it's the former I get pissed. She almost always comes in sees that I am playing and it's "did you do anything, this is still here, why didn't you ____, did the kids eat?" And so on. I get it I do stupid stuff sometimes but I don't want to be treated like I do all the time or like I'm incapable of doing anything. We have awesome times too it's not all soon and gloom. But the gloom makes it hard to enjoy the awesome times. We once, prior to diagnosis, had a date night planned and she got on to me about something and I was pissed! We go to the date,that I didn't want to be at, and it was so bad the waitress asked if we needed separate checks. I don't want to shut down when I do something wrong and she talks to me about. Or when she talks at me in a way I dislike. I've asked her to read things that are about ADHD and relationships and she says they all sound like it falls on her. I get real hurt and pissed because I'm having to work on it too. As hard as it is for me I know it's just as hard for her. I'm way better with my new routine and will continue to adjust and improve. I'm just lost at how to help myself. I want to be able to disagree and not fight. I'm a very stubborn person and hate being wrong. When I am wrong and I know it I flat out lie and say no what I meant was... I have improved on this as well but goodness I'm 31 and can't stand that I said the stores is by the mall and it's by the movie theater. What are ways I can adjust? How can I ask her to do more and change? Sometimes it is how she says things like the tone and I ask her not to talk down or order me around and she says she's talking normal,which is bs, and I get upset. I'm lost and don't want to lose her. Sorry this is long venting got away from me.
Relationship struggle with neurotypic... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
Relationship struggle with neurotypical wife.
Hey Noles88,
I came on the Adult ADHD Community just now because I'm have a hard day with my ADHD husband. However, I just read your post and as a non-ADHD wife, I saw some similar challenges that I have with my husband/he has with me. I'm glad you shared what you posted because it reminds me of how complicated this can be for both partners not just one or the other. While, I'm sure you'll eventually get some excellent replies from the Adult ADHD Community, I just thought I'd share something. Despite the frustration and disappointment you and your wife are dealing with, I wonder if you might try to make an effort to add some positive interactions to the mix—If for nothing else, to counterbalance the negative patterns and interactions that often fester and can be so destructive. For instance, when I've noticed that too many of my statements towards my husband have been from a questioning, doubting, or critical place, then I'll do my best to try to stop and share something that's positive or affirming about him that day. For instance, "Thank you for remembering to schedule your doctor's appointment" or "I really appreciate you stepping away from your laptop to help me carry the groceries in from the car." If I notice that he hasn't done that to me (because he normally does, but can get distracted) then I'll say, "I really need to hear you tell me that you appreciated the time I spent (for example) working from home, cooking dinner, and walking the dog (we don't have kids yet, LOL)." He usually does, and it becomes a moment for him to snap out of it and acknowledge me. I think it might be a good practice to get into. Just pick a time daily or weekly to say something positive or affirming about one another. Bonus points: Go First! 
I know this won't solve all of your problems, but I think it's really helped ease the tension and frustrations associated with the effects of ADHD in our marriage. It's nice to remember the affirming things our spouse has said to us, and not just replay the tape of them talking to us in ways that are upsetting.
Singing my song brother. Wish I could help you but that’s the boat I’m in.
Relationships are complex. You have done an outstanding job and it is challenging. Turn off your critic, arguer, nick picking for a week unconditionally. Also try finding a social group where your skills can shine for you and your wife. Of course counseling with a top know therapist would always be helpful provided they know about ADHD
Wow, I am new here and this was the first post I read and honestly, I could have written it myself! I have struggled with life for so damn long jumping from one dr to another and thinking I was losing my mind. I have been told I am depressed (isn’t everyone a bit depressed or sad?) they give me antidepressants and nothing worked. It made me feel weird always. I had constant relationship issues and procrastination was out of control! I would jump from no focus to hyper focus in a second! I honestly do not know how to relate to people sometimes. As for asking your spouse to change, I will say that is a tough one! People will only change when they feel the need to it’s up to us to figure out how to adapt and live. Sorry.
Man, what a tremendous challenge! This ADHD thing is a struggle all the way around though I don't diminish your perspective. As you've learned recently, I've been on the other side of this with frustration. I'm still learning though I wonder if creating space lovingly might help you both during these times?
I recently started making a list of all the things I love about my husband to refer to when I'm so boilingly angry (I've been pretty angry lately so it's still growing slowly but surely) that I could spit fire. Just so I don't forget. I know, for me, it's hard to remember why I might even like him at times so I'm hoping this list to grab will help.
Just a thought. I don't even pretend to know how to fix any of this for either side of the proverbial fence.
My heart is with you and your wife for reconcilation.
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm often brought down by myself and jump to conclusions when questioned by others and take it out on her some of the time. More recently I've internalized the frustration and try to pause before acting. I try walking away when I can not calm down. Sometimes it works but if I really worked her up or she's pouring here heart out I can't leave, because I know it's horrible. It will often be ok but when I snap back with blame, usually false, or something hurtful. I don't want to do that and don't understand why I do. It's not like I want to be mean or insensitive and trust me I'm not as a whole. I have 3 older sisters who all dated, some who married, douchebags and I have spent my life trying to be sensitive to women's feelings respecting wishes and their needs. Heck I've been buying tampons since I was 10 lol. My mom would send me into stores sometimes for my sisters or her and I knew what to get and never was bothered by it because I was taught it's natural so I didn't feel weird about it.
I'm 75, been married 45, not diagnosed until 3-4 years ago, wouldn't accept it until an inattentive accident. Sure has answered a number of questions/issues I've had throughout my life! I, too, hate being talked down to, told how I "feel", that I'm wrong, made to feel like I'm not good enough. Wife and I have been trying to change me for 40 years. I "think" I have made/am making progress, but it never comes across as enough. And one slip-up (even minor) wipes out a week's worth of positive effort. Frustrating!
I'm the optimist, always thought my wife was the pessimist, but I've come to accept she's not a pessimist, she's a realist, and she's usually MUCH closer to the truth than I am. Maybe she's a pessimist with experience? (Taking from your above post.)
Bottom line: she's had to threaten me with leaving - which I REALLY don't want to happen - to finally get me to "want" to change badly enough to actually do something about it (like join this forum). Like SilentlySufferingWA put it: "People will only change when they feel the need to it's up to us to figure out how to adapt and live." Change is HARD, especially for an old dog! It is requiring work, perseverance and determination. But most of all, you have to want it badly enough to Do Whatever It Takes!
That is my mantra now: Do Whatever It Takes! I Will make progress, I Will get a handle on this! My rambling here is meant as understanding and empathy for you. You have Many kindred souls here that offer our experiences and support. So glad you shared and I hope you are getting worthwhile feedback that helps you. It certainly is a good place to "safely" vent!
Sir this was perfect. I appreciate your words they are things I've been threw too. My wife has, in the past, thrown out the d word and once left for a weekend and stayed with her sister. I pushed to change then and did some but this was pre diagnosis me and I was lost in life. I go into me mode so to speak where I'm lost in myself and seem like I don't care about anything. But in my head I'm freaking out about everything and don't want to say a work for fear of breaking down. Since treatment this hasn't happened but I'm sure it will try to resurface. What ways helped you to overcome the self doubt and shame? Those struggles tend to feed my other problems. I've been exercising bullet journal meds and supplements. How do you constructively talk to your wife about what is wrong? Do you have things you try to do beforehand and during the conversation? I try to verify that she understands me and when she talks tell her my perception of her thoughts but sometimes get off track. What helps to be patient and take the critique and down talk when it happens? Thanks for your message it was thoughtful and appreciated.
Hi again notes88, I'll try to answer some of your questions, as well as I can, anyway.
"and don't want to say a word for fear of breaking down" Yes, that's me, too, as I'm not very good with real time discussions/arguments. I tend to "shut down" and stop participating. This is NOT helpful and just makes things worse. So, I try to "make myself" stay in the dialogue, difficult though it is.
"What ways helped you to overcome the self doubt and shame?" Still working on this! And every time I'm "proven wrong" about something, it's a setback that makes it even harder. That's not much help, I'm afraid, but just know you're not alone on many of these issues that will take continual work for us to learn to deal with. My "shame" comes out as guilt ..... and I have many things from throughout my life that I can dwell upon and feel guilt about. I just have to remember - and keep reminding myself - that on some, I was young and inexperienced and didn't have the tools to properly deal with the situation. On more recent things, I have to keep telling myself that I am but human and I'm going to make mistakes, that I just have to accept that, learn from mistakes and strive to not make the same mistakes repeatedly. Yes, easier said than done!
"How do you constructively talk to your wife about what is wrong? Do you have things you try to do beforehand and during the conversation?" One of the big things is staying in the conversation and listening to what's being said to better understand. Again, Not easy to do! Another thing is to force yourself to maintain eye contact. It's really easy to look down, to "avoid" looking at them, especially when you feel you're "losing" this battle. (A trick I use sometimes is to pick a spot , say between their eyes, and focus on that. "Appears" like eye contact without quite as much discomfort.)
"What helps to be patient and take the critique and down talk when it happens?" You know, it's never easy to accept and believe the criticism, but sometimes it helps me to try to understand WHERE it's coming from, WHY they feel this way, WHAT is causing such strong feelings, and finally, remembering that quite often, it IS being done out of LOVE and CONCERN for YOU. (Sure is hard to believe that sometimes ....)
Hope this helps you, I'm still working on making it work for ME!
Hi Noles88,
First of all, I get your struggle. As an ADHD wife, I have had these issues. I recently accepted and started embracing my diagnosis, and have been pursuing and will continue to pursue knowledge on ADHD so I can understand me. So, with that in mind, I'm not a therapist or expert. But a few things have made the bad in our marriage seem less heavy.
As an anecdote, I used to hyperfocus HARD on video games. To the detriment of my marriage. My husband would try to pull me away and, regardless if he was gentle or abrupt about it, I would feel so much rage. And several times I would snap at him.
Eventually our marriage became quite emaciated and loveless. He didn't want to initiate anything or bring up things that might make me angry because I would get so defensive and jump down his throat. The strangest thing, is in the middle of it, I didn't understand what was actually going on in my brain and so I became so frustrated with why I was so argumentative, defensive and snappy. I began to believe it was that I'm a crappy person and a terrible partner who is selfish.
Now, my husband has his own anger issues. So we kinda ping-ponged off of eachother's aggressiveness/defensiveness till I never wanted to bring anything up and neither did he.
Fortunately, we had a moment of coming together and brainstorming how we can introduce affection and mutual respect back into the marriage. And one of the things that came up is we weren't showing affection. Rather, I was so distracted and distant that I never seemed to care about him. So we began with small things like simply touching eachother more. Hugs, kisses, tickles, etc... we began to make an effort to do this. And that alone made such a huge difference.
Another thing he brought up was my inability to keep a cleaning schedule or even to clean up after myself. This one is still ongoing. I made a simple change, of setting an alarm if there was something I needed to clean. It was hit or miss. What, thus far, is working for me, was finding a way to gameify my cleaning. I am very competitive. So I would try to get my cleaning done faster and faster. However, that still required consistency, and I suck at consistency. I've been through all kinds of task apps, organizers, etc... and somehow I would get desensitized to all of them. I finally figured out the why. It was because I was letting my perfectionism get the best of me, creating complex morning or evening routines that were just not something I was ready for (or ever will be).
So, as far as the cleaning/organization side of what you've talked about, I recommend starting small. Say your wife wants you to clean the bathroom. Find a small step in that process like "clean the sink". Start there. Make a list of these small actions that result in a clean bathroom. And if you're like me and have that moment when it's all falling apart and feeling overwhelming to even start, set a timer. 15 or 20 minutes of doing something you are interested in. And then clean for 5 minutes. Eventually, hopefully you can switch to 15-20 minutes of cleaning to 5 minutes of something fun.
Also, I found this app that's free and amazing. It's called Brili. It's actually made to help kids do their chores. So, maybe think of it as your inner child :). But you can create your routines, write down rewards for when you reach a certain number of stars. You can set how much time you think a task will take and help teach yourself what time it actually does take. After all, ADHDers tend to be time blind.
I recommend having a heart to heart with your wife. When you guys are calm and receptive. Set a date with her (and give yourself a reminder). Write down what you are having concerns about. And ready yourself to listen to hers, as well. And this doesn't have to be resolved in this one pow wow. It might just need to be the two of you trying to feel heard. Try to schedule frequent check-ins. I think it's important that she understands exactly what ADHD is and that you will always have bad days but you are really trying.
I'm on a waitlist currently to hopefully get some CBT with a therapist and I recommend this as well. I realize where I'm making positive strides and where my problems still persist. Oh yeah, if you haven't heard of Jessica McCabe, she's pretty awesome and has amazing life hacks for us. Here's a few about relationships:
I hope this helps. Sorry for being so long-winded. Like I said, not an expert, just relaying the things that have and haven't worked for me and my relationship.
I love your points. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have try all kinds off apps and recently deleted everything and kept the 1 that I love "remember the milk". I can make list for anything and everything. My wife has the app as well and can edit it and see what's on the agenda. I got to be good at cleaning up by doing things she mentions she dislikes and what I have to do. I'll have to check out her channel I've tried podcast, since I have 30 minutes to drive to work. Hacking my ADHD is great short and clarifies well. Thanks for the insight and good luck to you as well!
I'll check out Hacking My ADHD. Thanks for the idea swap :). We can do this.
Hey - I feel like everyone else is far better at expressing thing than I am so I don’t have much to say. I was diagnosed this year at 40. My 10 years of marriage have been a struggle and only now did I realize how I was contributing to the issues. And of course only after my wife started threatening with divorce...
I read most posts here about marriage and on this one read through most of the responses. I try to learn whatever I can and have learned that I have to accept my wife will have to take whatever time she needs to learn as well. I read “the adhd effect on marriage “ and found it enlightening, but can’t convince my wife to read it to the end because she feels too much falls on her...
I just wanted to say thanks for posting. Your venting drew out lots of good discussion. Tell your wife some random guy on the Internet thinks you’re probably ok and she should stick it out a little longer
I am sorry that you're having a hard time. I got the same response from my wife and it hurt my feelings when she responded that way. This was a few months ago and I try to realize that through working on me and getting support from others here and elsewhere to get over it sometimes. If you're like me and you judge yourself not being enough is huge. Not smart, rich, fit, or whatever it is I am not enough it. But now I try to stop and say yeah but you do xzy well or what can I do to be better in the areas I want to. I really have been doing a lot better even in this past week I have good and bad days but I don't beat myself up. If I give up on myself when it comes to heath, marriage, parent, employee, or Christian why would anyone else want to put the effort in? If my wife hates how I clean and I just don't clean that didn't solve our problem it just gave her more crap and me less. I know life's not fair but if I try to do my share and when I mess up try to not beat myself up. Because lets be real I'm gonna do something later that's similar or the same thing. I can't get better if I don't let myself fail and just be ok about it but strive to do better the next day.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Sounds like there is a lot of frustration and hurt there.
It takes two people working at a relationship to affect change. So if only one of you is trying to find different coping strategies, or communication, it is not going to work. I challenge you to ask her calmly if you were dying of cancer, would she expect you to take care of everything yourself? Mental health is EQUALLY, as important as physical health. In fact, poor mental health affects our physical health as much as it does our brains.
Is marriage or relationship counseling a possibility? Do you have ADHD resources in your area? Look on ADHD websites, or Psychology Today has a list of specialists in your area. If money is an issue, then go on your local hospital, mental health facilities sites. They often have free therapy or even groups, but there'll probably be a long waiting list, but why not try it? Sounds like you're neither of you are happy. I also suggest you take the initiative and find a solution that will work for you. Oftentimes, just one small change starts an avalanche. Maybe if she sees you're excited about changing, she will jump on board? And if she isn't going to support you, maybe you two shouldn't be together, because it sounds very toxic right now. You don't have to live like this..get help for YOU, and I promise you that it'll get a lot better.
I don't feel like the relationship is toxic, and trust me I've had them with my siblings, I know that I have ADHD but I've got to be a person still. I've been working really hard at just being a better me and she sees this and is very appreciative. She has also been adjusting conversation styles but it's in reflection to mine. I can't blame her for getting to the point she did in wanting to leave me. I was the type of person to expect things and when it wasn't my way I'd shut down or argue. I know that it's going to take longer for her to want to change since everything in our relationship has been this way. I know that it seems like I'm back tracking on my above vent but I made things difficult with over 10 years of denial and then I finally listened to her and went for help and she was right. I need her to change with me and I know she will because she's done it before and since this post things have changed. I have to get me right but if I just say if you don't do what I want I'm gonna leave. That is kinda silly for me to expect that.
My tone here is gentle but direct. Please look from your Children Point of view. Children feel scared when their parents are fighting, yelling, arguing etc. They blame themselves because Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along. Both of you should get on knees or sit on the floor and look up at an adult. Then go and look at yourselves silently yelling in the bathroom mirror. See what you look like.
You go without eating for 2 days and that is what a child feels like with food for the time they go unfeed. People have had children taken away for such as this.
Please be more mindful of what is happening in your home. Do whatever it takes, timers and buzzers, Medicine and Therapy for ADHD can be a huge game changer. Please for your children’s sake.
I don’t follow you? Is the food a metaphor? Cause I definitely take care of my kids and they don't go hungry. My kids don't really see us fight because we do that in private most of the time. We do tons of fun stuff as a family and the isolated incidents aren't all day everyday. Please rephrase or clarify.
Professionals tell us that we ADHDer aren’t always aware of ourselves. Those times can get reflected back to us by people we are in relationships. Unfortunately thoses that negatively impact the other person in relationship get laid bare back to us. In all relationships there needs to be compromising on both side. But also there are thing that can’t be compromised, like the care of children, time sensitive items, and other Non-Negotiables. We ADHDers still need to hold up our end of responsibility as a part of life which you know. Everyone has preferences to. When non-negotiables aren’t taken care of by the person that has it, there’s going to be conflict. If an ADHDer has responsibilities for a non-neg, it is Our responsibility to get that taken care of and find a work around for with our symptoms. Where we do it ourselves, pay someone to help us get it accomplished, etc. That is life in relationship. It’s like we can’t say to the IRS who I have ADHD and I can’t or won’t file my taxes. If we have an issue then we need to still care for them by paying for that help to get the job done. It is unfair if any partner chooses to not take responsibility somehow in that part. We aren’t to just pass our responsibility off onto our partners just because we have a brain wiring issue. When that is done long enough the relationship suffers. It’s the “law” of relationships. It is also a part of our responsibility in relationship to help in creating happy experiences in our home, If we don’t contribute to the incoming goodwill in the relationship bank account then we are making automatic withdrawals and depletion occurs. We need to be adding to that account more then withdrawing to have happier home lives. Part of that deposit is our taking our ADHD symptoms in hand.
Kids are more aware then we adults realize. During such fights you don’t know what they are experiencing, hearing, and feeling even when you think they don’t. (It’s so common that it’s even depicted in movies.) Sometimes it’s not until they are older or adults that parents learn the truth. They also see the aftermath of there parent walking out afterward and the fallout at home. Kids are smarter then adults give them credit. They may not understand what the fight is about etc., but a fight brings uncomfortable feeling into the kids environment.
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