Emotional Triggers

[Billy50]

Every day I deal with frustrations that make me addicted to anger and rumination that leaves me tired, depressed, and not well. I have to manage my life like I suppose alcoholics and diabetics do. And politics is not a topic I want to discuss with anyone, but it is an extremely toxic time when a respected journal says that to deal with political anger one should get more politically involved? Should one make oneself sick over big stuff that can just bring more anger and frustration? And not all of us can deal with all the toxicity right now. And I call it toxic when people lose perspective of reality and start getting paranoid about one another. I have been most guilty of this, and I went into a period of horrible anxiety and paranoia over things happening that gave me nearly a "nervous breakdown". The only thing that saved me was self talking. How do I know what someone is really thinking or how personal what they are saying is that someone may label offensive? And then I was like "Chill out. Slow down. Let people speak. Do not assume they are against me". And now, I am like get away from things that can cause emotional Triggers. Many of the triggers lead to my personal rages about ADHD. And yet, I am afraid to talk about the real me, because people get alienated by me doing this. And so, I am trying to stay simple and to allow myself to be "slow" and maybe a square. When I say hello to a cat or dog, it is my saying hello to life, peace, certainty, natural beauty. I do not have to defend my ego, or see everything as a threat to my ego. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to carry the weight of the World. That is too big for anyone's shoulders. People paint or take care of animals, and that invites interest from others and makes one feel less isolated. When I get triggered, agitated, and wound up I alienate people. I probably an alienating people right now, but to me I am just trying to measure how many steps I need to walk to be finally free and at peace with myself.

[78rpm]

Hi Billy -

I think the journal you mention is providing horrible advice. This current environment is absolutely NOT a good time to talk politics with people. With so many people polarized and hyped up with emotion it is extremely difficult to have a rational, productive conversation.

For a conversation to be productive, both parties need to base their points and arguments on reason, facts and logic. It means LISTENING to the other person and making an effort to understand where the other person is coming from even if you their basic viewpoint to be objectionable.

People aren't doing that now. It is multiple sides portraying each other in terms of unflattering caricatures and pronouncing them as evil. The only thing that can come from engaging in such people is a feeling of intense frustration or anger and possibly becoming as emotionally driven as the people you are arguing with.

But there is something else to consider regarding political discussions. Let's say that the environment is not toxic. Exactly what is the point of spending time and energy in such conversations - especially if they result in your getting frustrated or angry?

I am not saying there aren't real and important political issues and concerns of the day. Quite the contrary. But the reality is that, unless one has a public voice, very few of us are in a position to personally and directly change the political landscape.

First off - it is almost impossible to change somebody's mind on politics during the course of a single argument or debate. Even if you come up with a particular point that they cannot rebut - it isn't going to change their mind on their wider ideological framework. MAYBE, if you are lucky, they will give your point some thought and MAYBE it will spark some further thinking on their part.

There are people who have and do switch from Right to Left/Left to Right - but it is a process that tends to happen over a long period of time and not the result of some point of fact thrown out in an augment Put it in reverse - how likely is someone to get you to switch your fundamental way of thinking on the basis of a single argument?

If the success or failure of whatever viewpoint you are wanting to promote becomes so desperate that it depends on your converting ANY SINGLE PARTICULAR PERSON - the game is already up for your viewpoint.

I am NOT saying that one shouldn't be politically active or engage in political dialogue. What I am saying is that one should only do so to the degree that one enjoys engaging with people on the subject and that doing so does not cause one to become angry or frustrated or have a clouded view of the world.

Above all, one shouldn't spend one's time discussing politics (a matter most of us have minimal power to influence or control in any significant way) to the degree it distracts one from attending to matters in your life where you have a GREAT DEAL of power to influence and change for the better.

I have gone as long as six months without following the news or politics. Guess what the outcome at the end of the six months was for the world in general? The exact same outcome as it would have been if I had paid attention. Meanwhile, MY world was much more relaxed, peaceful and gave me bandwidth to focus on positive things I COULD control.

Yes - the actions of the President or Congress can impact your life for good or for ill. But they don't have nearly as much power to shape or influence the long-term course or happiness over your life as YOU do. Before you invest time in trying to fix the country and fix the world - make sure that you aren't neglecting the EXTREMELY important work of fixing yourself.

Time, effort and money spent on self-improvement is the single best investment you can ever make. The potential returns are much greater than you would get on any stock market - and unlike money, nobody can take away your knowledge, skills and wisdom.

Regarding triggers - the fact that you understand what triggers are and that you recognize the importance of challenging the "stories" your mind comes up with regarding other people's intentions and motives is a major first step to freeing yourself from them.

So give yourself enormous credit for taking that first step and the hard work you have put in on this.

If you can get the assistance of a coach or a counselor who you can trust and work well with - that is going to speed things up for you and make your journey a lot more pleasant. I realize that this is not an option for many people. But to the degree you can, try to seek one out.

I will recommend two resources that I think might be helpful.

One is a book that was recently recommended to me called "The Power of TED- The Empowerment Dynamic." It is a short book written as a parable that perfectly describes the dynamics of pretty much any dysfunctional relationship you will ever observe or be part of. I think this book will help anybody who has challenges in dealing with feelings of anger. amazon.com/POWER-TED-EMPOWE...

I will also recommend a series of podcast episodes by life coach Brook Castillo. At the link which follows, browse through and find any topic that might stand out as potentially helpful for you. A few that I recommend for someone new to her podcasts are Episodes 11, 26 and 72. You will want to listen to Episode 26 before listening to Episode 72 thelifecoachschool.com/podc...

Hang in there. Your self-awareness about your reactions and now other people perceive you as a result of them is a major and critical step in the right direction. Just continue to expand your self-awareness of what triggers you and why. Yes, research and devise plans and strategies for how you respond to such triggers so that they don't trip you up. But, while doing so, keep in mind that everything is much easier if you understand and work through what is behind your triggers so that you aren't triggered as much in the first place. As for other people - getting to the point where not being triggered as much will go a long way. Once you are there - a lot of the next steps are common sense in terms of just treading people with respect and trying to gain a better understanding of their own unique needs and looking for shared values that you can bond around.

[Billy50 in reply to 78rpm]

Yes. Let me put it this way. With ADHD any discussion that becomes too involved or too intense is not good. I need to keep conversations civil amd simple, because conversations can get too intense and lead to arguments. Another thing I mention is it is like a Ping Pong Game. We with ADHD have to be aware that we are not suddenly going too fast. A few years ago, I went to a Speed Dating. It was a disaster. I joked "speed dating" is not for someone on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD. I need slow, calm, conversations. I need time to see the reactions, non verbal or someone saying something in a way that I might misinterpret or misunderstand. If the conversation is going to fast or getting too emotionally charged we are missing things and heading for friction.

[78rpm in reply to Billy50]

Indeed.

One of the things I try to do is limit my interactions with people outside my innermost circle to things that we have in common - shared interests, shared values, shared experiences.

I have friends who share some of my niche interests whose political and philosophical views are very different than mine. I do my best to avoid getting into conversations with them about things we disagree on. My view is this: there are a LOT places I can go to online filled with people I can argue politics or philosophy with. There aren't very many people who share my niche interests. Why on earth would I want to spoil and deprive myself of the many benefits of knowing someone who shares the same interests over a silly political argument - especially given the chance that I would be able to change the other person's mind or vice versa is pretty much zero?

The other thing I advise is, for every interest and area of life that is in some way important to you, seek out places where you can find people to interact with about that specific interest.

Before the Internet came along, one of the things I sometimes did to alienate people was force conversations about subjects I was lonely to talk to someone about but which the other person had next to zero interest. One of the great things about the Internet is its global reach enables one to find others who share one's interests, share one's values or are facing/have faced similar circumstances.

All of the challenges you mention about conversations become much easier to manage if the people you are speaking with share the same values and interest as you and are actually interested in what you are saying.

Those challenges are more difficult to manage when you are dealing with people who disagree with or have no interest in hearing what you wish to say.

We all find ourselves in circumstances when we are around others whose interests and mindsets are very different than our own. For example, a group event at work. My suggestion if you are not able to find any common interests where the other people would actually be interested in hearing what you are saying is to just take a backseat in the conversation. Instead, consider the conversation as an exercise in listening skills and in the exploration of different mindsets. Instead of focusing on what you want to say - listen to what the others have to say. Have a genuine and well-intentioned curiosity and ask follow up questions that they would regard as positive to learn more. First, most people in this world are lonely to be heard - so the fact that you actively listen to them could very well endear you to them. And, second, it is possible that, once they start telling you more about themselves, you might even find that you have more in common with them than you had initially suspected. Even if that is not the case - you will have at least spared yourself unpleasantness, especially if it is a conversation in which you would be outnumbered.

If you have people in your life who do share your interests, values and circumstances, then you aren't as tempted to talk about such subjects with people who aren't.

And, keep in mind that the vast majority of people you bring into your social circle are people who are there because of only one or two shared interests - and, with those people, keep your interactions centered around those interests.

Once in a while, you will come across people you bond with on a level that is deeper than just those particular interests. Those are the people who might eventually develop into close friends.

Always keep in mind the current level of friendship you have with people. Some are acquaintances who are great to interact with about particular subjects. Others might be close friends with whom you might be able to talk about very personal thoughts and aspects of your life. Close friendships take time to evolve - avoid the temptation of sharing too much too soon with people you like but don't yet know very well.

As for "speed dating" - my suggestion is to go to events, activities and venues where you will be likely to encounter people who are highly compatible with you. But don't go with the purpose of finding a date - because, if you don't find one, you will regard the whole thing as a frustrating waste of time. Instead, choose activities and events that you will get value out of even if you don't find a date.

What you are looking for is someone who falls within a specific range of characteristics in terms of age, values, interests, personality types etc. Let's say that the percentage of the general population in your area that meets that criteria is 1 percent (I am just picking a random number). If you go to some mainstream type bar or other venue to find such a person - it is possible that such a person might be present. But the place would be so overwhelmed by the other 99 percent the chances of the two of you being able to spot each other and interact long enough to connect are pretty small. But if you can figure out what sorts of events that people in that 1 percent are likely to be at and where a great many people in the other 99 percent category are not likely to be at - your chances of meeting such a person are significantly increased.

Go to places where people share your interests and values and so many of the challenges we have with people and with finding people suddenly become much easier.