Horrible memory

[life-journey]

Can anyone else share their experience with ADHD and it's impact on memory? My wife feels unloved and isolated because of my poor memory. For example, just last week she told me what she might want for Christmas, and 5 days later, I say... "So what do you want for Christmas?". I even wrote her Christmas ideas in my phone when we discussed it! Not sure if it's just my ADHD memory, or the extra stress of our relationship being on the rocks and anxiously trying to make conversation (without thinking) - or if it's something else. This is not an isolated occurrence. My wife is at the end of her patience with me and our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread. She just wants a partner that retains things and I'm so sad and frustrated that I can't do that. I try to stay in the moment, listen and even take notes occasionally. I don't want to lose her, but can't figure out how to fix me! Would really appreciate hearing about anyone elses experience. Thanks

[Dison]

Would it help to say, according to my experience, that this is my number one issue and that is that I forget where I put things. It is also the most disturbing Now, for my own sanity, if I mislplace something that is not vital (like car keys) I tell myself it will turn up eventually. If I don't choose to have this attitude I will become angry and this is not help to my relationships.

[Lovinit]

Sorry your relationship is on the rocks. Stress makes my adhd worse. Even if I didn’t have adhd stress would still affect me making life harder.

[Roadspill]

What you are experiencing is what we all have experienced throughout our lives. especially within relationships, as well as between family and friends.

Does your wife know that you have ADD/ADHD?

Have you sat her down and discussed the struggles you have that revolve around it and how it impacts you?

What are you doing currently to better some of those struggles?

One thing I would recommend is to have your spouse read this book -->

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder Paperback – August 31, 2008

read.amazon.com/kp/embed?as...

Your local library should have it, and if it is a little more modern you can probably borrow it via an eBook or Audiobook for free.

What this book brings to light is all (probably not all, but enough of) the quirks that ADD brings into a relationship, and attempts to explain why it is that we do it, and try's to offer better ways of communication with the partner, instead of the typical shaming/blaming that occurs.

It is a good read for both, but more beneficial for the partner without ADD.

Just remember that research is starting to show that working on Self-esteem, self-image, and confidence is playing a huge role in our success over time. Being called stupid or lazy, which is a common occurrence with those with ADD, it doesn't leave us with a very good outlook on our lives and effectively stunts our potential.

If you both decide to go to relationship/marriage counseling make 1000000% sure that the counselor you see specializes in ADD relationships/dynamics. A typical counselor may not understand the nuances of ADD and may make the situation significantly worse.

[TheLittleBrave]

Like Roadspill said, it’s very important that your wife have knowledge about the disorder. Without that knowledge people in general will feel like they are not important and love for their partner anymore.

I don’t have ADHD but my partner does, and now that I’ve been doing research, I can understand why his behavior and not taking as personal, and also encourages me to find a system that works for both.

[InThaFlow]

I have had near identical experiences in my past marriage and relationship. It’s very important for a life partner/spouse to understand what you are working through and what ADHD/ADD entails. It’s not personal! It’s not because you don’t care or are not trying. It’s just that our brains function differently in ways that can make it hard on someone who’s holding on to certain expectations of a relationships. Expectation is mother of disappointment. You have to figure out what works for you to compensate for how your memory works . (S)he has to figure out ways to communicate what she wants in ways you are more likely to retain them. It takes patience and work in both sides but that’s what makes marriage work, isn’t it?

[DesertAl]

My wife had a hard time understanding my ADHD. I found it challenging to decern the individually unique presentment of my ADHD behaviors. The impacts of ADHD I fully understood, they had caused a lot of damage over the last fifty years. Hell, my wife made fun of my ADHD until I was able to convey the extent of my behaviors and impacts.

I have been with the same person since I was thirteen years old. I am 58, almost 59. The last twenty years have been tough, yet we have been together so long that I have a few life memories without my wife, so we stay together. The jury is still out whether or not we will remain married.

The forgetting thing was very disruptive. I forgot our anniversary twice, not a happy time. I never forgot the kids, and I never forgot the dogs.

I use reminders to remember partner requested involvement, not schedules alone, but physical reminders. For instance, if I have to take out the trash, I'll stuff a trash bag in my pocket until I accomplish the task. I concentrate on cleaning up after my many projects, I never put things away, so I make it the first thing I do after let's say painting.

My narrative post-diagnosis has changed; I used to have this work until I die to focus on my business projects; that has evolved to more relaxed work energy. At least now, I don't scream at anyone who dares to attempt to interrupt my work. Prioritize your wife's requests, try to handle them first, then go on to your own needs.

[life-journey]

Hey Dessertal,

Thanks a lot for sharing. We're also in our late 50's and married 33 yrs. Being relatively recently diagnosed, I'm just now understanding how ADHD has impacted our marriage. I used to think i was normal and the problem was her being overly sensitive and her overreacting. Although I never forgot b-days or anniversaries, I've forgot lots of other stuff. It's random.

I've a new had a paradigm shift with my diagnosis, and now understand 90% was me and my ADHD. Knowing this is a little freeing and def empowering me to change. Unfortunately, knowledge of my condition has not made her feel better. She's angry. She's sad. She's fed up. I've let her down endless times. I'm not sure she'll hang in there or if she's willing to do the necessary work. She's tired of our problems. But, our lives are still intertwined. Grown children. Families. Friends. Finances. Plans for retirement. There's hope, she doesn't want a divorce, but she's near the end.

My forgetfulness is our number one problem. She thinks my randomized forgetfulness is because I don't care enough to pay attention to her or care about her. Neither are true. Regardless, she doesn't want to go through life with someone that doesn't remember. I can understand that.

Adderall really helped my memory initially, but then it created other problems. I'm taking Wellbutrin now which is fairly helpful, but know it's not the "answer" either. I take notes, use my calendar and other tricks like you do with the trash bag. We're seeing a therapist that is familiar with ADHD. I'm also seeing a different therapist and she's about to begin seeing one on her own. Not sure if your will help, or give her the confidence to just leave me. It sucks. God only knows if we'll stay together.

[Imaneedthatinwriting]

The other people who have posted made good points. In addition to Roadspill's book recommendation, I can highly recommend Driven to Distraction. The primary author is a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and has ADHD. Reading his descriptions of his own experience and that of his patients often felt like reading about myself. It was reassuring to realize it wasn't just me. He also provides practical suggestions for dealing with all the ways that ADHD can impact a person's life.

In addition to wanting to tell you about that resource, I wanted to add some practical advice/techniques that have been helpful for me. Assuming your wife knows you have ADHD and is willing to meet you where you are, technology may offer some solutions - it has for my husband and me (both of us have ADHD).

My husband and I use Alexa (Amazon) to keep track of things together. If you don't have Alexa in your life, there are other apps (I like Trello) you can use to share things and not have to worry about losing/forgetting them. For example, you could start a Christmas Wish List on the Amazon Alexa app (or Trello or other collaboration app). In addition to telling you what she wants, your wife could add things directly to the list. My husband and I use the lists not only for stuff, but for tasks. So for example, not only do we share a Grocery List, Hubby's Christmas List, Wifey's Christmas List, and a Home Depot/Lowe's list, we also have Hubby's To Do List and Wifey's To Do List - if either one of us needs/wants the other to do something, we add it to the list. The nice thing about Alexa is that you can also ask "her" to remind you of things at certain times. My husband and I use that feature frequently to follow up on things that we would probably forget otherwise. Again, if you don't have Alexa, no problem - some of the other collaboration apps can be set up to send you text or email reminders.

These are just a few ways in which we've used apps to help us. I hope they help.

[quiteasmile]

Life-journey - I understand completely. I made an appointment with neuropsych to see why my memory is so bad. I was sure I had early onset dementia or something. The doctor told me that I am fine and need treatment for ADHD. I thought she was nuts, but the more I looked into it, she hit the nail on the head! You are not at fault for your memory issues. If your marriage is going to make it, your wife needs to be educated in adult adhd. Then you will have to make an effort to make up for your memory loss by doing or saying something in the moment. You can easily come up with things that you love about her. Tell her those things frequently. I hope it works out for you!