My name is Chey Langley and I'm 24 years old. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a toddler, and until a couple years ago I never realize how much it affected my life. During my entire school life it actually proved to be hurtful looking back, I had super hyperactivity/impulsiveness as a child (though it was merely innocence and at the time neither me nor my parents though it was as serious back then) and I never had any real long lasting friends. Or rather in theory. (I did have some friends, but it was never on the same level, as in we all had different lifestyles and interests and overtime I just couldn't keep up, always feeling like the odd one out every time. So I just stuck to being alone or feeling alone, and I was felt so clueless as to what was happening around, not because I naturally never understood, but because my ADHD made it limiting to understand a lot of things naturally that I felt stupid)
And overtime because of the constant change in interchangable friends, I pretty much accepted I was meant to feel alone. So I have been for about 4 years now. I'd often come home and cry because of my own isolation I build myself. And this also ties into how it effected my grades. Because I had a hard time paying attention my grades flip flopped (not in getting good and bad grades, but going back and forth with understanding and not understanding) the thing that hurts the most is I never understood my ADHD back then, even all the way up into High School it never came to me as a thought. It wasn't until I graduated and entered college (where I'm currently at now) that it began to click with me, and is where problems began to spread worse. Regardless I still did decently well in school.
When I was 21 that's where things started to click. I started noticing behavior issues and such and then it occurred to me, it was my ADHD the entire time that has been effecting my social life. And overtime it has gotten so much worse. It all started when I realized that its frustrating to even do the most basic of tasks, stuff that you should be able to do by at least 14 years old, and it feels very embarrassing that I never liked to discuss it or always felt the need to hide the issues because of how embarassing it was being unable to do the most basic things, but not out of general ignorance or being incapable. But because I'm stuck limited in doing so because of something I can't control, and it got worse as my home life became a struggle to live in. Having people who barely understand the true extent of what ADHD really does.
While I have explained to at least a couple of them the problems of my condition, and they understand how it effects me, I still can't get people to understand how it effects me mentally or emotionally. And sometimes I'm even treated as half of my age as a result of the limitations placed on myself. And having to watch other people grow in society and even people younger than me, it hurts, not because the concept of younger people growing up more fluid than me, but because I shouldn't have to feel so limited because of it, but I do. And sometimes I'm indirectly talked down too, but not in a way that's demoralizing, as it's basically innocently insensitive, and I can't really blame that on people, because they don't understand or aren't meaning too, but it does take effect on me because I feel trapped. It even effects my motor skills too, and I do feel a slight urge to get annoyed whenever I feel someone is carrying me along when trying to explain something. Again it's because of the disconnect between understanding how it works (sometimes I feel as if it goes too far down) I just feel like I can't do anything but watch the days go back, and thinking of my future with this problem scares me everyday, sometimes even into depression. I don't wanna still have these issues past 26. And I feel like I should be doing a lot more now, but I can't. And honestly I've gained an inferiority complex to the world because of all of this.
I do have some friends online, and while the experience has been great in that regard, due to the personal tastes in same interests, humor etc it can still be frustrating at times when it feels they're evolving in terms of everyday life and I'm feeling further away at the bottom. And I mostly shift mood swings, I feel sad and depressed as a result of my ability to not be able to communicate very well. I honestly feel like I don't exist a lot of the time, a lot of times when I try and make friends people forget I'm there because of the disconnect in being social.
And it's even effecting my college work. I decided to take College Online due to the constant frustration of being socially awkward and tired of being ignored by peers due to communication disconnect. But at the time time its sacrificed my ability to make friends and I now feel lonely and insecure. While I have been keeping a decent track record as far as consistency goes I still struggle with the task to focus on what I want/need to do. There are so many things I've been wanting to improve/have interest in that fall behind because my procrastination takes over my concentration and focus, even if my goal/desire to want to focus and finish my task is still in my mind, by body doesn't follow through. Speaking of mind, I often have a strange habit of keeping things stuck in my mind for long periods of time and those things will act into my mind, almost as if I'm thinking or acting them out myself, this also factors into my I have a hard time focusing, so many things go on in my head at once. I'm uncertain if this is a sign of ADHD. I just wanna feel like I belong in this society, but I don't. Apologize for being so long, but its been three years and everything is manifesting everyday into a worse problem, especially in regards to communication where I feel like everyone is evolving and I'm devolving and motor/society skills. And I'm isolated and sheltered.
I feel like I wanted to share this with the community and hopefully people with this similar experience will understand me. So tell me, does anyone else feel the same way?