I'm new to the forum, but am grateful to have found this community. Anyone dealt with complete disrespect from their ADHD child? I know their emotional regulation is off - but I can't help to notice he knows how to be nice and kind to his dad. But when it comes to me, it's very different. So I know he's capable and I feel like his ability to be respectful is selective. I work very hard for him and my family, but can't help to feel a bit deflated and defeated. Like why am I here working so hard? I am the primary displinarian because someone needs to keep our family on track so maybe he associates me with trying to control him. Any advice?
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GenXMomma
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Thank you for joining us. Yes! I recommend counseling together. It has helped our son and I. Of course the other tools help a lot. We were told children with ADHD do not wake up wanting to act this way. I remind our so I do not accept his negative behavior, I only say this before he goes to bed. I also remind him I love him. Hope tomorrow is a better day for him.
Is there any way you and your partner can discuss how discipline is measured out in the household? It shouldn't be on one parent; there needs to be collaboration and consistency, otherwise it is easy for it to impact your relationships.
Also, when there's a good moment (ie when neither of you are upset) maybe sit down with him and express how you're feeling. I recommend the format:
When you ______ I feel ______. I doubt that's your intention, so I'd like you to help me understand so we can figure out how to do things differently. Things can't stay they way they are because I'm hurting, and I worry about how this will affect both of us as time goes on.
Obviously the nature of the conversation will be a bit different depending on where your son is at developmentally, but I've had conversations similar to this with my kids at 6yo and it can be productive.
Keep in mind that there's a decent chance he's seeing his behavior too, feels powerless to change it, and likely doesn't know how to talk about it.
Also try to hold in your heart that this is not how he really feels about you, but most likely simply his impulsive and emotionally unregulated reactions.
Also know that it takes time to change behavior, and if your son says he's trying, believe him, and know that telling him to try harder is often counterproductive. There are lots of videos/articles/research that show how "trying harder" for people with adhd can actually make things worse.
oh yeah. I felt like the enemy. He told me he thinks I’m thick! (I have maths degree and actuarial quals)
But on the positive side he is now 22 and turned a corner and is lovely to me. So it can turn around. He needed to get on a healthy diet and strict exercise routine and very structured self imposed routine , get off screens, get early nights and take care of his mental health. He still struggles but at least he knows what he needs to do and wants to do it!
yes, my son is the same way. Sometimes he can get really mean and say every bad word at us when he’s irritable/ mad you did something he doesn’t like. This usually happens when the meds have worn out, end of the school day. I try to remind myself the same thing, he’s 6, he’s still emotionally immature and I have to teach him what to do to calm down. Trust me it’s not easy, but I try to stay positive
I feel similar, often. But reading your post and other's responses helps remind me it will get better. My daughter is 9. In many ways things have gotten better. And though she matures slowly, she matures.
my 13 your old daughter has similar completely disrespectful behavior....I agree the trick is to have patience and talk when everyone is calm and not triggered...I take a lot of walks to calm down and which helps me stay nonreactionary....it is really hard. I am a single mom, so I get all the anger and attitude....I also have noone to pull me away when I am reacting badly to her moods/ behavior/etc.
I am trying to find a counselor to help, so it's not just me saying I am hurt and this needs to change....behavior therapy, I think will be more about action as opposed to talking about feelings, which my daughter refuses to do....sigh.
Please know you are not alone...one day at a time...I also try to call friends that I know will understand or at least distract me to help get through the tough times.
I have a 15 yo girl who is like this. I’m also a single mom with a sole custody. As much as I know she treats me like crap often because she knows I unconditionally love her, I try to tell her when she is out of line. When I get really upset, I try to walk away and text her how I feel. Talking to each other peacefully doesn’t happen as she gets frustrated very easily just by listening to my sentence. I also try to regulate what I say to her - if it’s not necessary and/or kind (or true) I try not to utter words. Less is better. 🙏 Easier said than done of course. Also started a therapy for myself (she already has one) Maybe will be able to do a therapy with her one day.
All of these responses and the OP sound like what I'm going through. I joined last night after my therapist suggested looking into CHADD. Last night was hard. My 9 year old son was really angry last night and I'd hit a wall, figuratively speaking. I let my husband take care of him and his 11 year old brother. The 9 year old wasn't following our directions and saying mean things to me, so I went to my room and cried for a while. He has ADHD and his first therapy appointment in months on Saturday so I thought we'd have a better week. I feel your pain, GenXMomma. A good night's sleep helped his attitude. He also went to his room to cry and take deep breaths. He used his calming strategies. It takes a while, but they do fet it. It's just painful while it's happening.
Yes I too have been there. When my son was younger 7-9yo we used guanfacine 1 mg and now at 11yo use Fluvoxamine 150mg along with ADHD meds to help with emotional regulation. My son’s psychiatrist said both these medications are used as mood stabilizers and boy have they helped. He’s much more easy going and the raging and yelling (mostly at me) has decreased significantly. Maybe ask your child’s psychiatrist if they may be worth a try. Hugs.
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