I'm new to the forum, but am grateful to have found this community. Anyone dealt with complete disrespect from their ADHD child? I know their emotional regulation is off - but I can't help to notice he knows how to be nice and kind to his dad. But when it comes to me, it's very different. So I know he's capable and I feel like his ability to be respectful is selective. I work very hard for him and my family, but can't help to feel a bit deflated and defeated. Like why am I here working so hard? I am the primary displinarian because someone needs to keep our family on track so maybe he associates me with trying to control him. Any advice?
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GenXMomma
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Thank you for joining us. Yes! I recommend counseling together. It has helped our son and I. Of course the other tools help a lot. We were told children with ADHD do not wake up wanting to act this way. I remind our son I do not accept his negative behavior, I only say this before he goes to bed. I also remind him I love him. Hope tomorrow is a better day for him.
Is there any way you and your partner can discuss how discipline is measured out in the household? It shouldn't be on one parent; there needs to be collaboration and consistency, otherwise it is easy for it to impact your relationships.
Also, when there's a good moment (ie when neither of you are upset) maybe sit down with him and express how you're feeling. I recommend the format:
When you ______ I feel ______. I doubt that's your intention, so I'd like you to help me understand so we can figure out how to do things differently. Things can't stay they way they are because I'm hurting, and I worry about how this will affect both of us as time goes on.
Obviously the nature of the conversation will be a bit different depending on where your son is at developmentally, but I've had conversations similar to this with my kids at 6yo and it can be productive.
Keep in mind that there's a decent chance he's seeing his behavior too, feels powerless to change it, and likely doesn't know how to talk about it.
Also try to hold in your heart that this is not how he really feels about you, but most likely simply his impulsive and emotionally unregulated reactions.
Also know that it takes time to change behavior, and if your son says he's trying, believe him, and know that telling him to try harder is often counterproductive. There are lots of videos/articles/research that show how "trying harder" for people with adhd can actually make things worse.
oh yeah. I felt like the enemy. He told me he thinks I’m thick! (I have maths degree and actuarial quals)
But on the positive side he is now 22 and turned a corner and is lovely to me. So it can turn around. He needed to get on a healthy diet and strict exercise routine and very structured self imposed routine , get off screens, get early nights and take care of his mental health. He still struggles but at least he knows what he needs to do and wants to do it!
yes, my son is the same way. Sometimes he can get really mean and say every bad word at us when he’s irritable/ mad you did something he doesn’t like. This usually happens when the meds have worn out, end of the school day. I try to remind myself the same thing, he’s 6, he’s still emotionally immature and I have to teach him what to do to calm down. Trust me it’s not easy, but I try to stay positive
My son was the same, out of control and unhappy. We saw a therapist who helped us see that most of his anger and acting out was because he needed positive motivation instead of negative consequences as primary discipline. We had to explain why we were telling him to do things, give him calm reminders before he had to do things, and developed a point system for him to earn money to use for whatever he wanted. We put a point as a penny, so 100 points is one dollar. With patience and consistency on our part, he is now almost 14 and his behavior is great, without meds (his hyperactivity is modified with caffeine instead of prescription). Not every person has the same needs, but that's what works for us.
I feel similar, often. But reading your post and other's responses helps remind me it will get better. My daughter is 9. In many ways things have gotten better. And though she matures slowly, she matures.
Just a heads up, logic goes up, but when puberty hits, emotional disregulation happens in cycles. Some days she’s logical, others I just have to tell her I need some space. It’s important to not take it personally but be empathetic to what they are going through. “I notice you’ve been mad lately, what’s up?”
All in our own way. It’s important to be openly communicating those feelings and hormone changes. It takes away the stigma of bottling emotions. The better we communicate them, the easier it is to get help.
my 13 your old daughter has similar completely disrespectful behavior....I agree the trick is to have patience and talk when everyone is calm and not triggered...I take a lot of walks to calm down and which helps me stay nonreactionary....it is really hard. I am a single mom, so I get all the anger and attitude....I also have noone to pull me away when I am reacting badly to her moods/ behavior/etc.
I am trying to find a counselor to help, so it's not just me saying I am hurt and this needs to change....behavior therapy, I think will be more about action as opposed to talking about feelings, which my daughter refuses to do....sigh.
Please know you are not alone...one day at a time...I also try to call friends that I know will understand or at least distract me to help get through the tough times.
You just printed my memory. A doc made sure we had a safe space she could be herself. A space away from being bothered, a place to get physical aggression and anxiety out physically, and one where they can say anything they wanted (many parents use the bathroom for this). We also have a punching bag for her (and dad, lol), and her room is able to be locked away, though we can unlock it in emergencies.
A big part for our 14 year old was to get respect and keep his attention, we had to stay calm and treat him with the respect we expected from him - modelling the behavior and not overreacting to him made a big difference. Counseling not only helped him, but also our marriage! We needed to get on the same page so we didn't fight about him constantly. It takes work but it's worth it.
I have a 15 yo girl who is like this. I’m also a single mom with a sole custody. As much as I know she treats me like crap often because she knows I unconditionally love her, I try to tell her when she is out of line. When I get really upset, I try to walk away and text her how I feel. Talking to each other peacefully doesn’t happen as she gets frustrated very easily just by listening to my sentence. I also try to regulate what I say to her - if it’s not necessary and/or kind (or true) I try not to utter words. Less is better. 🙏 Easier said than done of course. Also started a therapy for myself (she already has one) Maybe will be able to do a therapy with her one day.
Texting our fights worked well for my ex and me. We couldn’t interrupt the other and we could take time to process the other one. Remember, they are likely masking all day, and we are their safe space. It does suck sometimes, but learning to communicate effectively is important.
All of these responses and the OP sound like what I'm going through. I joined last night after my therapist suggested looking into CHADD. Last night was hard. My 9 year old son was really angry last night and I'd hit a wall, figuratively speaking. I let my husband take care of him and his 11 year old brother. The 9 year old wasn't following our directions and saying mean things to me, so I went to my room and cried for a while. He has ADHD and his first therapy appointment in months on Saturday so I thought we'd have a better week. I feel your pain, GenXMomma. A good night's sleep helped his attitude. He also went to his room to cry and take deep breaths. He used his calming strategies. It takes a while, but they do fet it. It's just painful while it's happening.
Yes I too have been there. When my son was younger 7-9yo we used guanfacine 1 mg and now at 11yo use Fluvoxamine 150mg along with ADHD meds to help with emotional regulation. My son’s psychiatrist said both these medications are used as mood stabilizers and boy have they helped. He’s much more easy going and the raging and yelling (mostly at me) has decreased significantly. Maybe ask your child’s psychiatrist if they may be worth a try. Hugs.
If anyone is concerned about side effects, try talking to your doc about taking a gene sight test. It will tell you which mental health meds have the most chance of adverse side effects. Gives an idea which meds to try first.
look at some thins you can loosen the reins on, maybe discuss what you, dad and kid can agree on. Sometimes I’m overbearing, it my partner is definitely “listen to me” type, which makes them butt heads a lot. I ask questions and listen to my kid, then I say what my concern is, then ask “how can we find a compromise”. You would be surprised what your kid comes up with. Explain why you have your side, and listen to why they have theirs (read into their answer, and use active listening my rephrasing what they say so they feel heard)
I recently tried a new tactic I heard from an adhd group on you tube (holderness family, adhd_love or how to adhd), and they said to take a deep breath when kid snaps at you, then say calmly “care to try that again?” Now that she’s 10, she actually said it a lot nicer, so I accommodated for her.i want to reward that behavior, not judge the bad impulses.
You may have to be real with them and make a boundary. I’ve had to say how I feel when they have a poor decision (I statements), and what it makes me want to do or not. For example. “I feel unheard when you yell at me as I tell you we have plans for dinner.i hear you want McDonald’s. We can plan to have that (make a day plan…I usually say tomorrow or this weekend).”. Some kids need the explanation of the food not going to waste, or ask what they think you both can do to not waste the food. They may say something like, we can have them for leftovers, and I will eat my whole plate without complaint. If possible take that up, even though you will have to reheat. If you really can’t because either will be bad tomorrow, explain that.
The key is communicating and finding a compromise by allowing a debate rather than always following your way. Sometimes kids do better with short, and others long. Although easier said than done at first, practice will make it easier. They are autonomous beings and we need to stop the cycle of forcing them to comply to parents all of the time.
Another thing you can do is to talk with hubby about typical bad decisions kiddo makes, and come up with a compromise on natural consequences for certain transgressions. Then have dad do some of them, reminding him of the agreement. That way you’re not always the bad guy. My partner and I have also communicated more before making decisions, even though we have an answer. I have my kid call dad when she wants McDonald’s and I don’t really want to, but then dad says no, but then we talk about produce on top of it or that we are concerned about tummy aches. We also have discussed how she is on the phone when we give extra privileges and it doesn’t go well, then make a plan on the next time they ask.
Just some food for thought. Again. Easier said than done, but it gets easier with practice and it helps kid learn logic but helps you not be like your parent and force your way all of the time, though it is uncomfortable.
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