So I have a 9yr old and she doesn't follow directions at all she has been diagnosed with neurological developmental disorder and severe anxiety and severe ADHD and when I go to tell her to do her room or go clean up her mess in the living room cause it looked like a tornado came through she gives me attitude and throws a fit cause she has to stop what she is doing mind you she is on vivanse and guanificine for her meds and when she takes it she looks and acts like a zombie and Eeyore off of Winnie the Pooh depressed down in the dumps all of that and when. I go to ask her what she is doing she goes I'm watching TV And then I get so frustrated because she's not following the directions that I tell her. I end up yelling at her and I end up reacting and I end up not having a calm voice or I'm upset because by the times I get to this point I have asked her multiple times multiple times multiple times to do something and she will not do it or if she won't take the initiative to start her chores or to start doing something she doesn't clean her room. She doesn't shower. She doesn't do anything. It looks like she's being lazy and I am at my Wit's end because all my friends don't have their kids and I have my child and I feel alone. I don't have friends that have kids with this problem. Plus she also doesn't produce dopamine so she's not a very happy kid. But she's bubbly and funny and happy and loving when she wants something or when something is being taken away. She will behave and act right when she thinks she's going to get what she wants and when she doesn't get what she wants she turns into a spoiled brat. I love my daughter to death. Don't get that wrong
My daughter: So I have a 9yr old and... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
My daughter
Hello Granolaliver202,Your daughter sounds like a typical ADHD kid.
The big thing to keep in mind, that helps reduce your stress a lot, is that her prefrontal cortex, executive function part of the brain responsible for: organization, time management, prioritizing, initiating tasks, etc. is 30% behind her age. Meaning her executive function is closer to someone who is 6 years old.
She sounds like she is acting like a typical 6 year old. The parts of her brain that follow instructions, take initiative, do chores etc. is only 6 and still developing.
If you can set your expectations for some who is 6 instead of 9 your frustration can be reduced.
I recommend the book ADHD 2.0 by Dr. Hallowell. It explains a lot of the brain science behind ADHD and goes into the differences of ADHD in girls vs boys.
The more you know about ADHD the easier it is to keep your cool. And the more you know about ADHD the more you can help your daughter understand herself and the fact that she looks at the world differently than most of the kids around her.
This is a great place to be part of a group and learn tips and tricks that have worked for others. You have some experimenting ahead of you as you try out different tools, and routines, to see what works best for your daughter and you.
Hang in there and good for you for reaching out and posting.
BLC89
has it gotten worse lately? My 10.5yo has gotten worse over the past year or so because she hitting puberty. What I found works is she has to earn screen time (I give 2 hours but then she gets more as she gets things done). For my older stepkid, timers were stressful, but for my younger daughter, she loves being told 30 min, 5 min, 1 min, etc. natural consequence of not doing the responsible thing means no electronics. My kid sometimes gets music or audiobook while she works. If she has an attitude, I take the phone away. This has helped considerably.
As for the zombie effect… either she’s on the wrong med or the dose is too high. Guanfacein is a medication initially for lowering blood pressure. It has made my family light headed. My stepkid actually feinted on it. Vyvanse is the only medication that works for my partner too. I recommend getting a gene sight test to see how her specific body chemistry interacts with mental health medications. It won’t tell you what adverse reactions she will get or which medication will actually work for her, but it will tell you which medications will have adverse/side effects for her.
She has gotten worse she says she is going to listen and follow directions as she is begging me to not take things away she then after she gets what she wants she goes right back to having an attitude and taking what I say and intentionally not listening to what I have asked I have tried everything it feels like and when I have company come over and I tell her to wait she has to see who I'm talking to what I'm doing and I tell her to go find something to do she just won't do what I ask she continuesly talks back and she antagonizes me she says that I'm not allowing her to do anything but yet I give her whatever she wants I don't know what to do I'm not sure if she processes what I'm saying to her also I know she can listen cause she has done it before and I'm not going to allow her to act some type of way and be disrespectful I will not raise a kid to be mean
She’s not going to take you seriously if you start taking things away and give in. You also need to follow through with your threats, so be cautious what you threaten. (Easier said than done)
My partner has said he won’t do something until she makes up for her mistreatment. He acts butthurt and sad until she finally misses him wrestling or making something for her. Then she realizes we meant what we said.
I know she makes you feel like a bad guy when she’s begging and pleading, but that’s how you know she either thinks she will get it back by doing that behavior or she is really scared you mean it.
When we have my kiddo wait, we have her hold my hand until I have time to talk to her. If we want her to wait somewhere else, I get to her level nd ask if it is an emergency. I then tell her I need her to wait in x place until I come get her.
Sometimes she corresponds but then says I never said something. To make sure I have her attention, I have her pause and look in my eyes. I then have her paraphrase what I said (active listening skills). Mind you, this is what I try to do regularly, but it doesn’t always work.
It does help to also talk about how she makes you feel. Use I statements “I feel (sad) when (yell at me). If you say talk back, definitely make sure she knows what that means.
You can make a game of it too. Do some role playing. Have a day where she’s the parent and you’re the child. She will like when she can boss you around, but you can do anything that you do t like she does.
Hope these ideas help. Zen hugs 🫂
When I explain why I'm doing the consequence she gaslights me and says that I didn't say that or she is not doing whatever behavior that I don't want her doing she has a history of getting whatever she wants my parents raised her for the 7 years of her life from day one till she was 7 and that's only because she was under their power of attorney temporary custody I was in and out of her life due to my drugs and criminal lifestyles I had my parents take care of her so she had everything she wanted and my parents never taught her to be a respectful young girl she got away with whatever she did they would tell her no you are it getting that toy and then the next minute they are buying her whatever she wants and going back on what they say or when they tell her to listen to me and then she tells them that she will and as soon as they leave or turn around she is doing the same stuff and then I come along and everyone tells me that I am a stranger to her I somewhat agree because yea I was not always there more not there but I am still her mother and before she got diagnosed I was not the nicest person because I don't know how to be a mom and I'm taking everyone suggestions everyone between therapists, counselors, my parents, my sisters and any one else who wants to experience my babygirl she then wants to lately grow up faster thenher age and on top of my parents not being present in her life she had free rane over the TV and the tablets she had and if she got the tablet taken away she would scream and hit me and do so much stuff to get it back and then my parents gave it back she had no real punishments or consequences given when she acted some type of way and she has attitude and has already told me to my face that she thinks I'm a joke and she doesn't have to listen to me and it's her body but the other thing that gets me is that she can and knnows how to behave and listen it almost feels like she is O. D. D and then she goes right back to being the way she is I don't know what to do I try so many different things I'm going crazy I cry every night because we are always being at each other's throats and by the end of the day I want to hide in my room and not be around her cause I ant to avoid a fight cause the sassy disrespectful tone and words she uses and I have never showed her disrespect I don't know where she gets it from I am so tired of fighting with my 9yr I love her so much I think that's why it hurts so bad I'm so scared she is going to hate me and never forgive me for some of the times I yelled at her I hate myself I'm broken over that but I can't show her that she will think I'm weak or not capable she is very intelligent she is above average in her school she is amazing I just want her to be a well behaved child and not the way she is now im not sure how to parent a special beautiful young girl
She’s old enough for you to be real with her. Apologize for not being in her life and explain that you are trying to be better now. Explain that it’s now your job to teach her how to act with other people so she can do well in a job and keep he lifestyle when she’s an adult.
Then make a social agreement with her that you both have to follow and come to an agreement about what the consequences should be. Get it all in writing and explain tell her this is what adults do sometimes. Make a consequence for you yelling too, so she knows you’re serious. Give a time limit for both of you on electronics and if one of you rage on a game or something similar. Allow extra time on electronics when chores are done.
Give a punching bag for her to hit. All of these examples are on shows like nanny 911 and super nanny. Hope this helps zen hugs 🫂
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