Adhd daughter lies and is mean to classmates

[Chickenmom1]

Hi,My 9 year old is really sweet most of the time, but I catch her in lies and she will lie even if she does it right in front of me and she doesn't care. I can take stuff away and she will respond that she doesn't care. I also learned recently that she is having a hard time with her friends at school and I noticed it when I chaperoned her end of the year field trip. She is mean to them. I saw her blocking someone view intentionally and she acts like she didn't notice. She blames someone else for something she did. I'm at a loss most days. At home I can't get her to a lot of things without telling her over and over. I need help. I need to be taught how to raise my daughter because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

[Imakecutebabies]

I think sometimes my son does things so impulsively that he doesn't even notice. He's been called a liar by his principal because he'll get called into the office for something he doesn't even remember doing.

He also annoys the heck out of his classmates (growls in their faces, splashes them, etc) because his need for stimulation drives him to get attention in all the wrong ways.

We've had him that various social skills curricula through OT and are constantly coaching him in the moment, but it doesn't seem to help, especially since kids with ADHD are something like 30% behind their peers in social-emotional development.

All this to say, I have no good answers but it's not your parenting.

[WoollyMammoth123]

Thanks for sharing! You are not doing everything wrong. I totally get the experience of feeling like all of this must somehow be our fault -- I struggle with that constantly. But somewhere inside I know that's not the truth. My ADHD daughter is 26 now, so we're at a different stage in all this, but I think a lot of us have dealt with lies. My daughter once told me that ADHD kids lie because when they look out into the world, they really can't understand why things that are so hard for them seem so easy for others, and the only thing that makes sense is that everyone must be telling lies. And the mean behavior might be partly because ADHD kids struggle with seeing things from another person's point of view, and so they are not able to fully comprehend the impact their behavior has on others. I don't have any great answers. When my daughter was 9 she wasn't diagnosed yet. And we mostly saw the sweet side, and the main thing we knew we needed to get help to her for was extreme disorganization. But it turned out there was a lot going on inside her that she didn't share. I wish I had known, because now she's really bitter towards us, and we're far apart (she moved across the country when she started college -- she's near relatives, but I feel totally cut off, and now all the blaming towards us is coming out). I'm sharing a little of my story because as hard as it is now, you have the opportunity to be proactive to prepare for the later years. Maybe that's the silver lining. I hope that gives a little hope.

[tribemama14 in reply to WoollyMammoth123]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m new here, and am really thankful to have found this forum and read other’s experiences.

[tribemama14]

We’re going through something very similar with my ten year old son. I relate to everything you’re saying. It’s not you, that feeling of defeat is real. Thank you for sharing.

[eva2022]

Hello! My son is 7 with ADHD and ASD. He often doesn’t perceive what he is doing as ‘mean’. He wants attention and will use negative interaction with others to achieve it. Social skills training can really help.

[DaybyDayMomma]

I just came upon this site and saw your post. I am dealing with the same with my 6 year old daughter and I am at a loss. I feel I cannot parent her and the disruption of our family is taking a toll. I'm glad I am not alone in this...

[Onthemove1971]

Thanks for your post. There are a number of reasons why children with ADHD lie.

Here is a great article that describes why child with ADHD lie

understood.org/en/articles/...

Hope it helps..

[Momonthego16]

hi, I feel as if we are having similar problems with our daughter (age 8). I think that sometimes she forgets things that are impulsive and doesn’t know she is lying but other times I feel that she very much knows and has so much shame. Either way, lies are a BIG trigger for me so I have to remain especially calm when trying to elicit the truth from her.

Another thing we’ve noticed is that what may be “rude or mean” with the boys is different for the girl friends she has. In cub scouts, all her behavior is almost normal because boys are expected to play impulsive and physical. But then with a mixed gender group the boys are confused why she doesn’t play like a girl and the girls don’t like her rambunctious energy.

We are addressing both through play therapy. She has only been doing it for 2 months but already we’ve seen improvement in her ability to see other people’s POVs and to understand she can’t control other’s actions but can control her own. Also, OT has been teaching inner critic versus inner coach which helps her confidence and ability to take responsibility. We use them for pencil grip and core strength building. But OT’s roots are in mental health.