Hi everyone,
I've been reading this forum for a while but haven't posted yet. My 8-year old son has not been diagnosed with ADHD yet, but I'm certain he has it. I worked in special ed for 10 years and I recognize many symptoms. I also took the Vanderbilt and he presented with combined type, anxiety and ODD. His teacher has called and said he really struggles to organize himself and stay focused at school. It's 3rd grade and the expectations have increased a lot. We have an appointment with his pediatrician to begin the initial evaluation for it in a few weeks.
I'm writing today because I'm wondering if other people have experienced the following: every time we go to my mother's house (or any family gathering really) his behavior seems to dramatically worsen. He becomes really hyper and attention-seeking. He's loud, obnoxious, rude, and it's so frustrating for me - and I know it's mostly my problem - because I can tell my mother and family are judging both him and me, and I'm embarrassed and frustrated by his behavior. My mom always passively makes comments about my parenting (essentially I let him "get away" with too much). And she's relentlessly micromanaging him (stop doing that, sit down, put your legs down at the table, don't interrupt, stop putting the stuffies on the floor....) It's exhausting for me, and I know it's exhausting for him too.
But I end up taking my frustration out on him when we get in the car afterwards. I yell and ask him why he just can't behave. I tell him he's embarrassed and frustrated me. Then I blame it on all the sugar he eats. Last night I said I was throwing out all his halloween candy that he got so far. He feels bad and cries and says sorry and needs a hug from me - which I always give. And then my enormous guilt sets in that I over-reacted. I feel terrible and mad at myself. I know I've made the situation worse, and I realize he probably can't help it when he's overstimulated by seeing family. It feels like we're in this endless cycle of him misbehaving, me getting upset, both of us crying, and promising we'll get better at communication. When we got home last night he took it upon himself to throw out all his halloween candy without me asking him to. And now I feel bad about that.
I'm crying right now because I feel like I keep failing when I get frustrated. I also want to completely avoid going to my mom's and family events because I want to avoid this constantly happening. I've spoken to my mom many times. I've told her that I feel like she's too corrective of him constantly, and that she's always judging him, and he's not going to meet her expectations for "perfect " behavior (she had 3 girls and was a school librarian for 30 years, so she expects kids to sit and behave and be seen and not heard). I've told her he prob has ADHD. I feel like having the formal diagnosis will give me a reason to "explain" to everyone why he acts they way he does. ...like an excuse of some sort. Which feels bad too...
Ugggggggggh